Financial Fights | LQ050

Welcome to our love space today, as always, great to have you here joining me on this exploration of relationships and love and trying to be human beings together in this crazy, mixed up world. So you know, again, we're talking about those April showers this month in our relationships, and how they will bring in the mayflowers, how they will, can not will, but if we put this intentional energy into them, will create the wonderful building blocks and the wonderful foundation that we need for a sparked relationship. So today we're going to be talking about a topic that is sometimes taboo. I often taboo in a lot of relationships and or sometimes only really comes up when we have arguments about it, and that is money and finances. Oof goodness, right? So money and finances can often be a repetitive argument. So like we've talked about many times before, it can be one of those bricks that we keep putting in the wall, and eventually you might get that wall to be so high that neither you nor your partner nor the love of your life can see over it, which really means, like, you can no longer see each other's perspective. You can't understand where each other is coming from, because you've had this argument so many times that really just seems like there's no way to solve it. And we obviously do not want that. And I think the reason why finances get stuck in this repetitive argument category is for lots of us. You know, we're not we're taught, like, the bare minimum of financial literacy in school, like in high school, like, Hey, if you had to pay rent and you had to buy groceries and you had to do whatever, how much money would you have to make a month? And we're not really taught about how to do taxes. We're not taught to think about investments. We're not taught about, you know, like, lots of times, we're just like looking things up. We're like, that apartment looks nice. I'm sure, you know, whatever price point that is, that's going to be totally affordable. I'll just get roommates. I'll just do whatever. Right when you're a teenager, that's the mindset you have. And then lots of us go off into life and we have no other thoughts about it, unless we had parents who were very, you know, financially literate, and taught us a lot about it. I know I grew up in a family where we didn't really talk about money, and, you know, so I had no financial literacy skills when going into adulthood. And so I think that's why for a lot of us in relationships, and you know, if you get one partner who has had some financial literacy and one partner who's not, then you are also coming from different perspectives. And a lot of times, I think, because we don't talk about it, okay? So it's not one of those things where we have, you know, like, talked like, how many kids we want, or whether we actually want to officially get married or just be, you know, common law in a committed relationship, or, you know, those kind of things that we're more now taught to talk about when we're getting into relationship with someone where money's not always talked about, right? And then so when it does come up, it usually comes up when there is a hiccup. And that hiccup could be like someone bought something and maybe it wasn't discussed, or maybe it was more expensive than the other person thought it was going to be, right, or we missed a payment on something, and now there's an argument about it. Someone overspent, someone thought there would be extra left at the end of the month for doing in the budget, and there's not. And so then that's upsetting, or that becomes a fight or an argument. So it can come up in all of these little hiccup ways, but when we ever solve that hiccup like an Oh, I'm sorry I didn't mean to overspend, or I'm sorry I bought that thing, or I'm sorry I missed the payment. Now we compared, or whatever your financial hiccup is that has caused your miscommunication or your argument that doesn't really get to the thing under the thing, and that's why, when you google like, when you google like things that couples argue about it. It's, it's always like in the top three. I want to say maybe we'll give it Beverly way at the top five, but I think it's a top three for sure. So if we zoom out, because, you know, here we like to get to the thing under the thing, if we zoom out, then we will really, actually see the big picture. Idea of money in all of our lives, is really money equals safety and security. That is the basic big picture idea, because we use money and from a behavior analytic point of view, as we know, I'm a trained behavior analyst, so from a behavior point of view, money is what we would call, like, uh, like a secondary reinforcer. It is something that we can use to trade in for things. So if you think about that, like, if you go to an arcade and you get those little tickets, and then you can trade in for candy at the end, like, when you're a little kid, okay, that's really what our paycheck is. It is we've gone out. We have gone. To work that has given us these little tokens, these little tickets, otherwise known as dollar bills, and we get to trade those in for the things that we need and we want in life and or invest them in our future, right? So if we aren't aligned, so if money equals safety and security, if we aren't aligned in how it makes us feel safe and secure, then you will both be feeling insecure in the money dynamic, right? So there are supposed to be about five personality types for money. I have added on a six today because I was actually there's a great financial couples financial podcast that I listened to, I believe it's called rad coaches. You can search them up on whatever player you are listening to this through if you if, if financial details are important to you. Because again, I'm giving you the big picture ideas of why you might be having all these financial arguments. If there's a skill problem, these guys have got you so I've added on a six one from their inspiration, so we will run through these quickly, and then what we're going to do about it. So the first one is big spender, and the second one, which I've actually put next to it, is shopper. Okay, so let's differentiate between these two. The big spender is the person who you know likes to buy a big ticket item, a new car, a new piece of furniture, a new expensive piece of clothing. They are not always shopping. They're not they are more like rewarded through the purchase of something that is expensive or big or luxurious. Okay, that's the big spender versus the shopper. Is someone who gets rewarded by the actual behavior of going out and doing the buying, whether it's at the dollar store or at IKEA or whatever, right? The big spender, their big spending could be on dinners out, could be on concert tickets, could be on experiences, whereas the shopper, their spending comes more with that act of going into a store, going into a place, and the actual buying and purchasing of the things, rather than the actual thing. Okay, so those are the two differences between that person.

Then there's the saver. Now the saver, they've actually done some research, and the person who has like the saver profile, they will tend to actually experience pain. They might actually have a real inside pain point that affects them, um, when they let go of money, okay? And that's why it's so important for this kind of person to save, and that is different than another personality, which is the investor. So the investor may be holding on to money, but they're holding on to money and they're investing it in to a far off future. So that person is very future focused. So again, you have some things that sound kind of close, like the saver and the investor, but they're a little bit different, because the saver, more just wants to have a stockpile of money, because letting go of the money is actually like literally painful or hurtful. It lights up the pain receptors in their brain, versus the investor, saving and holding on to money in order to grow it and invest it, and because they are seeing a future for that money versus the Savers, not always so much into the future piece like, hey, at this point, I'll never have to work. That's more the investor, then you have the debtor. So we've gone through the big spender, the shopper, the saver, the investor, then you have the debtor. Now the debtor is probably a person who more likely has a lack of skills. I think when I was reading up on it, that the description is because the debtor is someone who doesn't put much time or thought process or structure into either saving or spending. So because of that, we run into debt. So they're not budgeting. They're not saying thinking of spending or saving, but they're also not like out necessarily shopping or being a big spender, per se. But they're also not consciously keeping track of their money. And so that, you know, to me, sounds more like a skills deficit, but so they're not putting any time into tracking their money. And now the sixth one that I've added on, which I thought was really interesting, again, that I heard from the RAD coaches podcast, was the pleaser. Now, the pleaser is the person who will over spend and or not manage money in a relationship because they are trying to please their partner. So that's someone who is more about like a bit of self sabotage. So there may be a plan, there may be a budget, there may be some financial literacy in place, but if their partner's like, Hey, do we have enough money for this? It's hard for them to say no. If they know that, if they know the love of their life, would like it. So they will say yes to their partner. Despite the fact that it may be sabotaging some other things that them and that they and their partner are aligned on, such as, like a future goal, right? And that would be more of the like spending in the moment kind of thing. So what do we do about it? Okay? So first here, you know, we definitely want to be able to ID what kind of money type we are, because if we can ID whether we are the big spender, the shopper, the debtor, the investor, the saver or the pleaser, that gives us a bit of background. And if our if we can identify where our love of life is, we can see, Hey, are we the same kind of money I did we're both big spending, or we're both saving, or we're both investing, or both whatever. Usually, if, actually, here's a hint, usually, if you're both the same, you will run in to probably less money hiccups over it, because you're kind of on the same page with it, unless someone's big spending maybe usurps you're a big spending, and then that's maybe where the hiccup comes up with, right? But we want to see if we're aligned, how far apart we are, right? If you have, you know, a shopper and an investor or a big spender and a saver, then you know, we may be running a rye a bit. So first, we want to see what kind of, you know, money person we are, and as always, what values are supporting our money decisions, right? And what kind of center are we so? So I did an episode. I did do a podcast episode on different kinds of centers. So if you're not familiar with that, go back and check it out. I think, I think Center's in the name of the title, and it must be in the teens from last year's episodes, but the idea of the center is that it's kind of what it's almost like a core value for you, but it will kind of drive what your decisions are based on. So if you're a family centered person, and we're thinking about money here, maybe your decisions to spend money and on family are, you know, more quickly or loosely done than say, your decisions to spend money on, if on work or on entertainment or on other things that could be your center. Okay, so we want to see like, what's your what's your money? Personality, what values are supporting your thoughts and your belief system on money and on finances, like, What's your perspective on that? And what center Do you have? So we want to see what values are supporting your money decisions. Besides, just like, you know, the five, the six that I listed, those are the things that are going to reinforce you or reward you in the moment for your money habits. Those are like internal reward systems. And so when we're aware of those internal reward systems that we're having, we are able to change our mindset and shift our perspective on those but we may also have some underlining values that are supporting some of those decisions that we're making our money, besides the internal rewards, and we might also want to see what kind of center we are. Because if you're a person who is, you know, centered on certain on certain aspects of your life, right? If you're a work centered person versus a family centered person, that may also be influencing your money decisions, and then, as always, here on love quirks we I am always thinking my one of my first questions is, also, do we have a skills deficit, right? And that's why we, you know, love to listen to podcasts like this. Why you listen to other podcasts on other topics is because you are either interested in that or you're like, hey, I could tweak and boost my skills in that area. So you know also, do we have a skills deficit around money and financial literacy? Do we need to seek out some more structured support on that? Okay, do we need more of a financial coach, a financial planner to help guide us in these things? And then, despite your money types, are you on the same page for your life goals or for your goals and your lifestyle? Because if you are on a different page about how you want your life and your goals to look, or what those or what your goals are and how you want your life to look, how you want your love space to be. If those are not aligned, then you may also be spending money or emphasizing money and financial literacy in different areas. So even if you're both very financially literate, you may be emphasizing certain areas more than others. Because one of you might be like, Hey, do you know what? I love my job. It's easy to do. I could do this till I'm 95 I have no problem doing this. Very enjoyable. And some others of you might be like, hey, no, I want to retire when I'm 60. I'm going to be done with them, not even waiting till 65 so we need to save, save, save, invest, invest, invest. Right now, if you have those two people in the same relationship, those two ideas are not going to lie, because you can have one person. And it's like, Ah, I'm gonna work till I'm 95 let's just keep living our best life now all the way along. The other person's gonna be like, Hey, let's tone things down for right now. So then the last 40 years of our life are gonna be amazing, and there's no right and wrong in that none of these, none of these aspects are are inherently right or wrong right, none of these viewpoints or perspectives are inherently right or wrong. It just depends what your goals are and the things that you want in your love, space, in your relationship and your life, and are they aligned? And are you doing the behaviors that are moving you towards that? The next piece that you really want to think about is, are you being vulnerable? Okay? Because we really do need to be vulnerable, and that is probably what we have not been doing around the idea of money and finances up until this point. Maybe we have some worries or some fears, right? Remember, because money equals safety and security, maybe we're having some fears or some worries, like, hey, if I actually talk about some of these many things, maybe I will feel less secure. Maybe some of my fears around our financial planning will be true, and I will have to face those fears, and I'm not ready for that. So you might have to be personally vulnerable in your own ideas and perspectives around it. The other thing is, you might be have to be vulnerable about your partner, your love of life's reaction, and where they are at with their money personalities and their and their goals and their dreams and their wishes for your finances. Right? Because remember when we are coming into these committed relationships, we are teamwork, collaboration, and part of our teamwork, collaboration is being able to manage our money together.

Now I will not jump into separate, whether you should have separate or joint bank accounts or things like that. I do know that I have listened and I have done some research and that a lot of, I mean, you know, divorce is a total separate, different beast. And the, you know, the bad parts of people that you know, traumatic experiences and or big life changes, like a divorce, like a separation, bring out in people, is not the conversation that we're having here, right? So I know that some people really hold on to that we need to have separate finances. We need to have separate things in case that ever does come to fruition. But what we really want to think about is the financial piece of our relationship and our life is even though it's security, it's part of what's securing our love space. It's the part. It's a part of what's securing our movement forward. And if every other part of our life is a teamwork collaboration, but our finances are 100% separate, and or we sort of talk about it, and we sort of know which which, what each other is doing with them, but we're really not on the same page, then we're missing a piece of our love space. We're missing a foundational block, and we want to make sure we're on the same part of that. So be vulnerable, right? It might be uncomfortable to have these talks about these things, right? We might make you know, mistakes are going to happen along the way, hiccups are going to happen, oopses are going to happen, and we need to make sure that we take that with kindfulness and we look at as an opportunity to have a great collaborative conversation, make a plan, tweak the things we need to tweak and move forward into the future, so that we can be a better team. We can have a more financially healthy love space, right? And we also need to be vulnerable about what behaviors are really moving us towards the things we want in life, around our financial literacy and our financial health as a couple, right? And what's moving you away from doing those things? And then lastly, we need to have a plan about how we're going to check in, right? How are we going to make sure we're still on the right path, make sure that our values, our goals, the things we want for our life, are still aligned. And how are we going to celebrate our little milestones of getting there? Like our little milestones might be like, hey, you know, we stayed in budget, or hey, we paid every bill on time, or, Hey, we actually were comfortable enough with each other to check in on this with each other this month. Fantastic, right? Those could be the little celebrations. It could even be a big celebration, like, hey, one of our dreams was to buy this thing, was to save this amount, was to invest this thing, was to get out of debt on this card, or whatever, whatever that goal was, whatever that thing you want to do, when you get to that, have a huge celebration. That's a big deal. You worked as a team to get to a thing, and you made it celebrate. And when we're on our way to those big things right, then let's celebrate all the time. Steps. Let's just be like, Hey, we didn't have any money hiccup conversations this month, and we're still on the right path. Great. That's to celebrate. So make sure you have a time to check in and not just forget until another hiccup comes up, because that is really what I was talking about. That happens. That's why we We usually keep having these money hiccups, right? It's because we don't make that time to check in. We don't make that time to think about it. We don't make that time to plan. So if you know these things, if you know your own money personality, if you know your own values and centers that drive your decisions, if you know your goals and your lifestyle that you are wanting to have for your love space, and you are able to talk open and honestly about those things right then you are going to be able to make a plan that works for you. You are going to be able to make a plan where you feel comfortable being vulnerable with each other, where you feel comfortable tweaking things, where you feel comfortable that you are a true teamwork collaboration, and when you are there, that means you are going to be being more transparent with each other. You're going to be more kindful with each other. You are going to have a shared vision with each other that is yours and yours alone and is truly unique to your relationship and your love space and all of those things are going to keep you sparked.