Fast Forward | LQ027

Welcome to our love space. Today, today we are going to be thinking about how to move forward after an argument. So you know me, I love to be as proactive as possible. That's what we're all here for, is to kind of get these proactive steps, these things that we can put in place, that we can think about. So when we run into hiccups, like an argument, like a disagreement, like a miscommunication, that we're not taken aback, we're not taken off guard, that it should be all sunshine and butterflies, and then we're like, oh my gosh, no. It's like, real life, right? Isn't that so silly? Because it is real life. So you know, I do like to have those pro active steps put in place. And that's why we have our cake model. That's why we work on our communication, affection, our mindfulness, and putting the energy into our relationships, kind of every day, all the time, but it comes so you know second nature to us that it's not going to seem like work, it's not going to seem so effortful. But even with those things in place, it is also 100% true that we are going to run in to some blips from time to time, or some our or our hiccups, and our blips are going to turn into full on arguments. And many of us are already sort of maybe familiar with some of the getting out of arguments or moving forward from argument basics, like, you know, the three step, lovely apology, you know, right, where I recognize and take ownership of what I've done, where, you know, we recognize them as communication. We say sorry, the other person kindly accepts that apology, you know. And then vice versa, and then we have a hug and a snug and there we go. Okay, so we all already know that part we've also, if you've listened to my episode 14, you also know, as I believe it's called love the process, you also know the importance of processing your feelings right in those moments. It's okay to sit it's okay to need to walk away, it's okay to need to take that moment as we've as we've talked about in that episode, to really sit in that discomfort or sit in that sadness or sit in that frustration or annoyance and process it, and not just sweep it under the rug or brush it under the rug, one of those things, not just sweep it under the rug, because otherwise that will build up, right? That's what leads to our resentment and our bitterness, and we don't want that. So we kind of know about that processing part. We know how to do that three step apology part. We know that adding in some physical connection, right, a snug or a handhold or something like that is even if we're doing it just quietly in silence, is an important way to get back on track, to show the other person that we are comfortable with them, that we are being kind and open to them, even if our words aren't there yet, right? So yeah, sometimes it's easy and it's straightforward, and sometimes it's just like, yeah, in that apology, we actually might say that little thing that we are going to tweak in the future, and so everything is kind of fixed in that moment. Hooray, right? And don't forget the 1% better rule. So I don't know if everyone out here has read atomic habits. It's a great book. It's by James clear. If you haven't go, do you know I'm an audiobook person, so when I say read, it's usually I've listened to it while I'm walking or things like that. But he talks about how that is not about being perfect, right? It's not about revamping everything and starting from scratch and putting 100 things into place at once. He talks about how if you try to do 1% better at something each time, then you're going to see exponential growth in that area. It's not about being perfect, it's about trying something simple, right? And that's why we talk about big picture ideas here. That's why I give you kind of the simple, big, broad idea. And then you can pick those small things. You can pick those details that you're going to add in to get that 1% better. But sometimes the repair the way forward, is not that simple. It's not that straightforward, right? It's more complicated. Sometimes we need that smidge more time or more space, or more whatever, before we can have that fuller talk, right before that solution is maybe available to us, maybe before we're able to come up with a solution, right? So our way forward might not be so clear, and so these would be kind of these usually. This usually comes up in fights where the topics are heavier, right? Or maybe they're repetitive, oh my gosh, and repetitive arguments can really be the downfall of many relationships, even though they might be on small topics, maybe they might even be on the things that seem easy to tweak those repetitive arguments are really you. Know, they're usually the things that actually tear up relationships. So my my love of life, my wonderful love of life. He actually has an amazing metaphor for what repetitive fights do to a relationship. So he told me this metaphor many, many years ago, and I just think it's so great. So I'm going to share it with you. So he compares these small arguments that are on repetitive topics, right? So always the same argument is coming up, okay? He would compare them to them being like bricks in a wall. And so, you know, every time we have that small argument, it's like adding a brick to that wall, okay? And then we have it again a week later or two days later or a month later, we add another brick, we add another brick, we add another brick, and it might be okay if we're only adding a brick once in a while, maybe once every two months, something like that, once every four months, on that repetitive argument. Maybe not, but maybe it's possible, because if we still, if we just have a little knee high wall, we can still step over it. We can still see that other person, that other person's point of view. We can still, you know, see each other's perspectives, okay, but if you don't solve that repetitive argument, if you don't solve that underlining problem, then you just keep adding brick after brick after brick to that wall, and eventually you have a wall that you can't see over. You can no longer see the other person's point of view anymore. There's just an impossible wall between you, right? I know it is crazy. And you now you're probably like, oh my gosh, that relationship I had at this time. Now I can see, you know what went wrong there. Oh my gosh. That, that one argument, oh my gosh, right. I was like, Whoa. That is so true. It's such a fantastic visual when he told me. And when, if you have that impassable wall between you that makes it 100% impossible to do any teamwork or any collaboration or any forward movement, because you can't even see each other, right? How are you going to collaborate when you have a giant wall in between you? Okay? So, and if you feel, if you feel that that's where you are, that you have a wall that's halfway up, or three quarters up, or it's starting to, you know, it's peaking up to your nose, and pretty soon you're not going to be able to see over it. Please, let me help you. Let me support you. You know, feel free to DM me on Instagram at sparked forever or on Tiktok at sparked underscore forever, because, you know, that's when we're getting, you know, kind of in our end days of a relationship, is when is getting up to our nose and we have to be on our tippy toes to see over. And I don't want anyone to be there. I don't want anyone to get that far. That's why I love being proactive. And think of these things ahead of time, right? Because we don't even need a knee high wall in our lives. You know what? We just have, like a, you know, a couple bricks that are like spattered across the ground, and they never get to wall of any form, perfect. That's where I'd like everyone to be. So our big picture piece here is that we want to have at least one small step, one small way to move past our argument, right? One small action to move forward towards the solution finding process. Okay? So this could be something as small as deciding to do extra movement. What? What crystal I know it's going to sound bananas. And as I always tell you guys, some of these things are so simple that I know you don't even want to believe me. You're like, that's too simple to even try. Well, that's a silly thing, right? If it's too simple to try, then you can actually try it. It's an easy, easy thing to add in. So there has actually been a lot of research on how automatic movements, so movements that we can just do while we zone out. So think of things like, you know, taking a walk.

What else would be taking a walk? In the shower, oh my gosh, taking a bath, going for a swim, anything where your body is kind of moving maybe for oh, I'm a job. I'm not a jogger, but for those of you who are joggers, I like to move that fast. You know, maybe jogging is the thing for you. So anything where you're kind of moving your body and you're in a zoned out way, you don't really have to think about that movement piece. This allows us to access the right side of our brain. It allows the right side of our brain to kick in with its creative outside of the box problem solving, and that allows us to magically come up with ideas of ways to move forward. Okay, so I don't know about you, but I always get my best ideas of how I'm going to, you know, love all the world's problems, you know, probably also ideas of what I'm going to share with you and what I'm guys going to create for you guys on here that I get these in the shower. Because in the shower, it's like I have my little automatic routine, right? I do my show, my soap and my shampoo and my everything in the same way every time i. And I'm not and so, and I'm just zoning out, and I'm just kind of going through the motions, and that's when the right side of my brain starts to kick in and go, Ah, well, maybe you could do this. What about this? What about doing it this way, or trying it this way, or what about this thing? And that is the zone you want to be in, because your left side of your brain, that is your survival side, right? That's your I always, I always trip up on this. That's your fight, flight or freeze side, which is great for when you're trying to escape a wooly mammoth and you're like, Ah, is that dangerous or not? Yes, danger. Go, okay, but not so great. Not great at all. For when you are trying to solve, you know, an emotional problem or a relationship hiccup, right? Or a big, you know, relationship problem. And so that's why that doing a movement thing like that can actually give you some clarity on your thoughts. Can give you some clarity of what a next step could be to suggest to your partner. So I know that I always encourage you guys to do these things together, so like doing a walk together, a shower together, I don't know if you've just had an argument, maybe not, or maybe yes. You know it's up to you how you can fill in that detail, but you might also want to take that moment alone, because that will make the movement a little bit more automatic for you and really help bring some clarity and some new ideas to the situation. Okay, so that's one, add in some automatic movement to allow your brain to be have that space to open up and freely think without pressure. So another movement based way to step forward would be to do something a little bit more high energy, to change your mood and to get out of your thought pattern. Now, for all of you who are a little neuro spicy, this one is actually really, really good. Actually, both of these movement ones are really great for a neuro spicy brain. And the other part is that even when you have an argument, even actually changing the space from where you had the argument to where you're going to do your next steps, like your apology, your little physical connection, and even this next step to move what to you know, your one small action to move forward, even changing the environment, actually changes the pattern in your brain. So if you had the argument or your fight or your miscommunication in the kitchen, you're going to want to move to the living room. You're going to want to move to a bedroom. You're going to want to move outside for your walk, wherever you're going to go. Just even switching up that environment, switches up, you know, your brain, and switches up your mood to get you into a different context. So even just changing rooms can be a next great step, but your next movement thing is going to be to add in some like, quirky, wacky, high energy movement. Okay, so this would be something. Here's my suggestions. Remember, this is a detail you can fill in your detail, if you like. But my wacky, crazy suggestions are doing something like a dance party. Have you know, two or three songs in mind that you can throw on, someone's going to throw that song on, and now you know the argument is over and it's and your first step is crazy dance party time, okay? Or you can play a silly game of tag, like, I'm sorry, yes, I accept your apology. Oh, I'm sorry, and this is my ownership. Yes, I accept your apology, and then Tag you're it. And now we're playing a wacky game of tag around the house even, hey, a quirky little pillow fight, right? You've moved you've had your argument of kitchen. You have moved to the living room. You have done your lovely three step apology. You've had a little hug, lovely. Now you can pick up a pillow and give that person a friendly little smack with it. Now, again, not for everyone, but it's that detail. It's that way to move you forward, right? Move you out of that mood, provide some connection without the pressure, okay, that's really what we're looking for, because I used to think, right? And if you remove that pressure, then you're more likely to be in that mood to have a kindful conversation, right? If you have a little game of tag. And then you're like, hey, let's, you know, actually, let's sit down and watch our show like we were going to, and then let's go have a snuggle in bed. And then, you know, let's fall asleep peacefully, like the original plan was for our evening before we got into that fight. Fantastic. That's going to put you in a kindful place to maybe have that fuller conversation at breakfast the next day or after work, right? It opens up that place for finding a solution, right? And there's not the pressure behind it, there's not the bitter thoughts and feelings and emotions, and there's not the jumping back into the he said, she said, No, I always used to think that the saying not like, don't go to bed angry, or, yeah, don't go to bed angry, or avoid going to bed mad, something like that, meant that all of the forgiveness and all of the problem solving and all of the solutions and all of the everything had to be done before you could go to sleep. And let me tell you, in a previous relationships, I have spent till 2am in the morning, 3am on in the morning, on a work night, trying to be like, Hey, let's get through this problem. And do you know what happens is that the situation is too fresh. You have not had time to reconnect. You've probably not done all of these more positive, you know, uplifting mood pieces that open up that bright side of your brain to your creative problem solving side. And so what happens is, you know, in the problem solving moments at 1am in the morning, is that then, you know, we start to get into arguments about other arguments, and now we're crying again, and now we're upset again. Now we have to take a pause again. Now we're trying to jump back into problem solving again. One person wants to go to sleep, and the other person wants doesn't want to go to sleep. You could probably tell in my previous relationships who the person who is like, No, we must stay up and solve this was. But there you go, and then what happens the next day, even if you have made a solution by two or 3am what happens the next day is that you feel tired and yucky and disgusting and your face is puffed up from crying till two in the morning, right? You don't feel good, and now that yuckiness is a reminder of the argument process, and then we don't, in the future want to have arguments, because it was yucky to get through it and it was yucky to solve it. And who even knows if it's going to work right? Who wants to do that? Not me, not anyone out there who is listening, if you if this is resonating, like, oh my gosh, that is the process, yep, yep. Or maybe, maybe you're not like me and you're not like, you're like, I don't care. I'm gonna go bed angry. Who cares? Oh, that's the thing. Don't go to bed angry. Yeah, I think I said that. Anyways. So if you're the person who has gone to bed, then even if you're angry, what is going to happen is that the next day you're still going to feel squidgy and gross and yucky, right? Because you've gone to bed angry you haven't gone to bed a little bit reconnected, a little bit relaxed, a little bit back to at least a neutral okay mood, okay, and so you're not going to be any more prepared to problem solve the next day than you were the day before. So that's why we need to be at least okay right, at least back to neutral. Have a little positive mood change. We know that we're committed to each other. We know that we're going to work on solving this. We just need to change the mood. We've had an argument, we've apologized. We're pausing toward before we get to the solution, and we're adding in this one action to move us forward. So whether that is a dance party, a wacky dance party, or whether that is going for a walk, having some shower thoughts to get some clarity, we have a step forward that's not necessarily tied to the pressure of finding a solution. Okay, my next suggestion is slightly tied to finding a solution, but I'm going to show you how to untie it

from the pressure of a solution, if that makes sense. So usually when we don't know what the solution is, we may need some ideas or some different perspectives on it, right, which is where the shower thoughts kind of comes in peace. But you know, sometimes we need some different thoughts and perspectives on it in order to even know what we might want the solution to be. So another great, small first step is going to be to have a brainstorming session. But now you know me, you know I love my brainstorming sessions, right? Like when we've been talking about expectations, or even our house management, collaborative Teamwork project. I love a good brainstorm, because when we brainstorm no ideas or bad ideas, we can even throw in a wacky idea or two, we want to take it slightly seriously, but throw in a wacky idea or two, and we have to write it down, because we are just going to let go. We're letting go of our attachment to the solution, to the outcome, because our only goal here is to brainstorm a certain number of ideas. Okay, so the fun thing about this, about a brainstorm, is that we can come up with extra ideas, with more than we need. And this stops us from being at an empath of I have one idea and you have one idea, right? It stops it from making it like a competition, like me versus them, right? Or them versus me. And if you make a rule that you each have to come up with three or four things, okay, then you might have to add one of those silly or wacky ones in there. And then that is also going to change the mood Okay, that's what we're really going for, is a mood shift, because that mood shift is helping us to. Towards problem solving. Again, it's a small way and and when we have that mandatory number, it takes that pressure off of that these all have to be realistic ways to move forward. It also allows us to think of ways that we would never maybe use in our relationship. But hey, we're going to put them down on paper, and then that gives us so many more ideas, right? Again, it's a small way to move forward that brings that pressure off of getting the right answer, and it opens up our creative problem solving area in our brain. It opens up our abilities to take different perspectives, right? And that there aren't just two points of view here, that there could actually be many points of view on how to solve this, okay, and kind of building off that sort of big picture brainstorming idea that we're kind of, you know, distancing ourselves from the outcome, that we're just doing a little brainstorm, and then, you know what? We can put that brainstorm away, right? We can put it away to the next morning, we've done a little brainstorm. Let's watch a show. Let's go to bed. Fantastic. You can tell what my evening my evening routine is, right? So the other one that's similar to that I'm going to share with you is that you can also do a Google search. So if you're not like a hey, let's sit down and just come up with some ideas. Maybe we're tired, maybe we had a long day, maybe the argument was very dreamy. Let's do a little Google search. Okay, gives you a moment to each bring out your phone. So you're going to do a little Google search, and everyone has to come up with two to three to four websites with and then we're going to do a bullet point form from that website to write down on our piece of paper. Okay, because we it's nice to put things in writing and make it concrete. If you're super verbal people and you're like, that really turns us off. Then, you know, make it verbal. But I think it's nice to write it down, because I have an extra step to add to this. But so, yeah, so these websites, these can be expert opinions, these these can be blogger opinions. These can be, you know, Reddit opinions, you know, I think a mix of all of them is nice, because, again, we're not tying this to the outcome. We're taking that pressure off. We're really just looking for ideas. Okay, we're really just looking for ideas of what other people have done to move through this type of argument or this argument topic. Okay, that's all we're looking for. And the reason why I'd like you to write them down on a piece of paper is because I think you can cut them all up. Okay, each suggestion on one piece of paper, one sticky note. You're gonna fold it up, throw it in a hat, a bag, a bowl, a dish, or whatever, mix them all up, and then you can take turns randomly pulling them out and reading them out. Okay? That way, no one is really even I mean, we can all make guesses about whose paper is whose. But really, that way your no one is tied to any of those ideas or websites, which is randomly pulling them out and together, you are seeing what all the ideas, what all the possibilities are together. And really, that actually hits on that big picture idea, right? This is another big picture idea that I'm sharing. Is that it may seem way too simple and insignificant about who reads what or who shares what, but it does actually make a world of symbolic difference, and and, and a world of difference in that little back of our brain part right, where we need to disconnect from the outcome, right, where we can actually just see it's a mix of ideas. We're reading them out, and we get to comment on them equally. That opens up that teamwork piece, right? That opens up us thinking about solutions in general, in a general way to move forward, rather than someone in the relationship is getting their own way. It moves us away from that winning and losing a fight moment into discussing and looking at ideas and perspectives to understand that looking at ideas and perspectives to move forward, to collaborate, to come together. The more we come together and collaborate, the more we build our connection, the more we keep putting in little layers and little reinforcements of hey, we can do this together. We are a team, right? We are a one, right? We are one force to be reckoned with. Oh, that's nice, right? And I think a lot of couples, I think these tiny gestures are really, you know, sometimes we see couples, and they work with so much flow through arguments or through disagreements, or even past bickering, right? Because everyone has like, little bickers, I think. But some couples with little bickers are actually the bubblings up of underlining problems, and then for other couples, little bickerings are more like that. Ah, right. I'm a little stressed. I'm a little tense in this moment, but it's actually not tension about you and me. It's about. Attention about the general situation. And I think these tiny gestures where we are able to disconnect from that outcome and really see all possibilities as equal between us. I think that's what successful couples might, or some successful couples accidentally do, where they accidentally happen to do these little gestures, like, Hey, I'm going to read out all of our ideas, or, Hey, you know, I heard this idea on the radio. I know we would never do it, but it was just an interesting idea to think about. That's how another couple solved their problem. Okay, so our big picture today is that we need to find one small way to move forward. It can be anything that starts us to move towards collaborating. So again, that first movement thing, we're not really collaborating together in that piece of shower thoughts movement, but that's going to give us some clarity. That's going to change our mood. So that's a great way to go, but our other ones, right? So, doing our brainstorms, doing our little internet searches, playing a fun or silly movement game together, dancing, tag, pillow fight, I don't know what else. What else you guys could think of a crazy hacky sack game in the living room? Oh my gosh. I don't even know if I play hockey sack, but whatever that is. It's one small step forward, okay, whatever you want that detail to be, okay? And it doesn't necessarily need to be part of the solution to the fight or the argument or the way to move forward in that way. It's just a forward action piece towards collaborating again, right, towards something, to move into that space for finding a solution. So maybe try some movement. Maybe try some brainstorming, whatever action that's going to start your forward movement is going to keep you sparked.