Multi-generational Parenting - with Mary Scott

Hey, I'm back. Great to be here again, and thanks for joining me for another great conversation. I always look forward to this. Maybe I should stop saying that because you know it by now. But I do. It's a lot of fun. And this week, I'm starting out on my own. For those of you on video, see that, but I have a guest, by the name of Mary Scott. And we had a conversation on a platform called Podapalooza, which may not mean a lot to most people, but it was just a podcast event. And we got thrown into a room together without ever having met or discussed anything before. So we we just launched into conversation where she was interested in being on my show. And so it's a, it's a briefer conversation, I had a couple of other ones in that same day, similar kind of scenario, which is quite fun and challenging. But we enjoyed it. So I'm going to share that conversation here today, in just a moment. And Mary is a grandmother. And so she actually was able to give us sort of a multi-generational perspective on parenting ideas. Again, very open and really appreciate that she was as with most of our guests here; how they're being open with us and just sharing some very real insights and real experiences that they've learned from, which you know, often means sharing things that we're not so proud of, the mistakes that we've made, and how we learn from them, which is great. So I really appreciate that. And so I don't want to say a lot. Now I want to go go in that conversation. But I'm just doing this because the beginning of that conversation didn't start with my usual greeting. So again, thanks for joining me, and we will just jump in and learn a bit from Mary Scott.

So tell me a little bit about sort of where you're at where you're coming from.

Okay, I'm right now I'm widowed. And I have three kids and four grandkids. And I work with startup businesses. I came from New York and did media, I did two documentary films that made money. But for the longest time, I was a stay at home mom and my husband was on the late shift. He worked at night. So getting quality daddy time was real important to all of us. And by the time you know, we got kids used to being quiet during the day because Daddy was sleeping, we'd go do something. But when he was off, then it was Daddy time. And Daddy time very often was Daddy doing what the kid wanted to do, rather than what he thought would be fun to do. So my son had him go fishing. And my daughter had him go to Earth Day. And one of my daughters took him bowling and there was always at least once a month. It was a whole Saturday with one kid to go do daddy time with what the kid wanted to do. And it was just such a fabulous bonding experience. And it just made so much sense because it took the pressure off dad to think up something that the kid might or might not like.

Yeah.

Oh at one point my teenage daughter took him to a mosh pit.

Good for him.

So yeah it was always great. It was it always worked out. Sometimes it was quiet and laid back. And sometimes it was a major event but at least once a month each kid got a whole day with daddy.

Nice what were the hours of his shift then

He was working 11 to seven and he was a TV news cameraman so he was on the street shooting news in the middle of the night and and then the commute was also an hour and a half each way. So yeah, he needed to sleep when he eventually he got on the day shift but that was by the time the kids were in high school. Yeah. And they still didn't those daddy time days even when the kids got older. It was great and I think once or twice my oldest actually demanded some daddy time because she needed time away from her family. Okay, so when he when he passed and everybody really misses him and everybody has great memories.

Of course. Yeah. How from your perspective then I'm in your describing this as as great memories and you said he was the world's best Dad so... but can you? Can you put into words from your perspective, the impact that he had on your kids because of his willingness to get involved on that level,

The biggest impact I see is on my son, my son is even a better dad. And every so often I, my husband came from a bad childhood, and he came into my relationship with a temper, which he learned to control much better over and over time. Because one of the things was, you know, if you have a bad day, and you come home, it's, you know, I had a terrible day. And if you don't want to hear me venting, then leave the room, you know, I don't want you to feel like it's your fault. It's not your fault, but you're convenient. Right? So, you know, those kinds of coping mechanisms got developed over time, but my son picked up on the paying attention to kids and actually listening to them. And, and he has become a really, really good dad. And right now he's a single father, his his wife passed away young. And he, you know, he goes out and makes his money, but he is raising extraordinarily responsible kids. And he too, has a temper, but he's learned to mitigate it, most of it. Yeah, we're all human. Right?

So how to, I mean, that's an that's a good awareness. Right? And this is one thing I talk about a lot is people's, your self awareness, if you're not aware of the issue, you're not gonna be able to do anything about it. So even just a little bit, you've shared already about sort of handling the anger and sort of saying, Well, I know that I'm going to vent, so let's not be together so that I don't vent on you, is a good start. How would you be willing to share a bit about how you and your husband kind of walked through that together in terms of helping him to, to deal with the anger.

Some of it came from me, I'm an I, I was raised by I say my mother was Lois Lane. So when you come from a reporter's background, you naturally develop really good listening and really good analytic skills. So when, when he would, and my parents did nothing, but argue, and I just decided that's not the kind of marriage I want. So if he came in with an attitude or a problem or something, I could listen. But I might interrupt and then say, something like, do you actually want some advice? Or are you just venting? So I wouldn't automatically give him advice, I would wait until I was asked. And that seems to have made a big difference, because it's the sort of behavior that you just model. And then eventually, your partner picks up on it.

Well, yeah. I mean, that's huge that but that's something that people talk about, more now maybe than in the past, but just what you're saying about how you would listen and ask whether he wanted help or not, I mean that's something...

And usually it's the other way around. Usually the guys are the ones who are quick to come in with their wives and give her suggestions for what she should be doing or not doing or how she should be feeling or not feeling or any of those things. And what you do is just, oh, gee, Honey, are you just venting or do you actually want my advice? Because she's not going to listen to you? Until she gives you permission to give her advice?

Yeah. Yeah, no, absolutely. I mean, do you even know where you pick that up from? Is that part of your... doesn't sound like it was part of your upbringing?

You know, just picking stuff up as you go along. You know, popular psychology kind of gets ingrained at a certain point. And I've always been one who watches television action actively. You know, why did that work? Why is that an emotional point? Why did that not work? What's going on with these characters and this is in character. This is not you know, continuity! Oh, I'm because you know, as a video producer and director, I need to know about stories and flows in order to be able to actually get something across in the way I want it to come across. Yeah, so observing a lot was very important to me. And I find that if you just watch your kids, and just pay attention to how they react to things, and if it's confusing, ask them rather than, you know, obviously, if they're doing something dangerous, you've stopped them. But if they're doing something where they might get hurt, it's more a question of, um, do you really want to do that? Because then they have the option of thinking about it, or going through with it and getting hurt, but not injured. And they'll learn either way.

Yeah. Oh, that's, that's amazing that you recognize that. And have you? Have you been deliberate and intentional in how you share this wisdom with your kids? Or has it been..

I kinda wait for those teachable moments. And I will, you know, one kid or another will be venting. And I use that. I'm sorry to hear that. Do you want advice? Are you just venting? Yeah. And I will wait until I'm asked if I'm asked, I give advice. But I don't press the point. You know, so they hear it? They take it or they don't it's their lives. It's their family.

Yeah, especially now that they're older for sure.

Exactly. Exactly. And even with my grandkids, I do not interfere with my children's parenting. What I might do with grandkids is tell them funny stories about their kids, about their parents when they were kids, because grandparents have the right to do that. Sure. And, and there's the concept of that might go in your house, but this is how it is in my house. And there are differences between houses. And it's just how it is right. Yeah.

Well, that's, that can be challenging. In some regards to I know, with, like, with my kids and my my nieces and nephews. I had some conversations with my siblings about our kids, and how they were relating to my dad, my mom, and it was my approach was, I guess, somewhat like yours, they have to have their own relationship with him. And I didn't always like the way he exactly responded to them. But it wasn't anything inappropriate or harmful. It was just, you know, not what I like.

I mean, there's a period in my life where my kids could talk to my parents, but I wouldn't. Yeah. But you know, I'm very happy that at this point in my life, I am the cool aunt. I am the preferred grandmother.

Yeah.

So, because it's always I'm always happy to see them. I'm never giving them a hard time for not visiting more often.

Yeah. And don't you think a lot of that could have to do with just the way you've related to them what you were describing, right? You You're, you're available. You're, you're listening. You're available for help, but not pushing. And so that's a that's a big,

right. I think every person deserves the right to be the best them that they can be. And that's got to be someone they want to be.

No, darn it. I want my kids to be the way I want them.

Well, the saving grace is that if you don't get a kid like you, you will get a grandkid like you; or you will find some kid in the neighborhood that just decides you're the role model. And they're gonna follow you. I have a couple of nieces and nephews that will talk to me before they talk to their parents. Yeah. So

Well that's, I think that's a really huge thing. That especially as, as a grandparent that you've been able to develop that relationship with your grandkids. Because I that's one thing that I really kind of saddens me I guess is the loss of of the generational ties and relationships that is fairly prevalent, I think, in the world today. And so that you were able to do that, I think is is a really big deal. So congratulations on that.

Thank you. I'm sure you're are a wonderful grandfather to?

Well, I'm not yet. Got a, got a few years. So I hope before that happens, but I couldn't be but not know our kids are still a bit young. So

oh, okay, well, you're not a grandfather until your kids are actually ready to be parents.

Yeah, that's what I'm hoping our oldest is 19. So

she's got a little while.

I hope so. Yes. Yeah. Well, I really appreciate that. And so now you're, you're in relationship with your kids and your grandkids. You've spoken about your, your son, and how he's doing as a dad. How, how is your relationship with your son? Is that still good?

It's still pretty good. Yeah, yeah, um, there are there are times when everybody needs their space. And the fact that none of them live in town is probably not a bad thing. It has forced me to create a life for myself without them. So because I'm not dependent and needy with grandkids and kids, it makes it easier for them to come and visit and not feel like it's an obligation. And so yeah, I mean, when when you decide to be the best you you can be at whatever stage of life that is, it just takes the pressure off your kids? Yeah.

For sure. Is there anything... I was just asking this other question, we might need to wrap up in a little bit. Is there anything that you feel like you'd still like to see your to see your kids learn or develop, that you might be able to help them with?

Um, I have one kid who doesn't talk to me. And it she's got it in her mind that I think she blames me for her dad's passing. I'm not sure about that, because she won't talk to me. And I really wish that she would talk to me because I still love her. And I would be happy to listen and, and being non judgmental. But she's always been a kid that hears what she wants to hear. And sometimes that's the dark side. So, um, you know, that's, that's the one thing I really wish that would change. I wish she would talk to me. But other than that, there's not a whole lot I can do about it anymore.

And is she married?

No, she's not. She's 34 probably not likely to get married. She's a fantasy writer. And she does fantasy things. Because right what you know, right? So she gets on horseback and does archery in Iceland. Wow. I shall write the story line for a video game. And I have no idea. You know which games she's actually writing for. But I know that she's got an imagination the size of a planet. And she can create characters and she's brilliant. She's absolutely brilliant. Because maybe she's too much like me and doesn't like to see that in herself. I don't

well, it's hard to know, when you can't communicate.

It's hard to know. But I have to accept that she's where she is. And if she wants to go someplace else, that's going to be her decision, not mine. There's only so far I can go. I'm available. I'm not, you know, I'm not going to give her a hard time for not talking to me. And be happy. She shows up, I will be thrilled to see her and this char

Well, I've got to ask you, how do you, how are you doing that? Because I know you're not the only person who's had to deal with this as your kids get older and have a child who won't communicate with you?

Well, it's it's the old saying about grant me the wisdom to change the things I can and the serenity to live with the things I can't change and the ability to know the difference. People have to meet you halfway. I don't care if it's a business relationship or a child parent or a spouse spouse, people have to reach a halfway and once you gotten there. And you're standing there for a while, there's not a whole lot else you can do. Yeah. So live your life and don't dwell on the stuff that you can't really fix. Because dwelling on stuff you can't do anything about, or believing you can do something about it, when Experience tells you, you can't. And that's being honest with yourself. It stops you from doing the good in the world that you were put here to do. Sure. So, you know, if, and if there was a point in time before I had grandkids, and my kids were certainly old enough to to have children, but they weren't having children. And I was not about to put the guilt on them. But I needed grandchildren. So I got involved with a school program. And I got to hang out with 10 year olds, like for three months of the year, every other weekend. And you know, because we were putting on a show. And it was great. And I had a best time and I would talk about my 10 year olds with my kids. And eventually I got grandkids.

and that's, that's fascinating.

You know, I mean, it takes a village. And you know, if your own kids aren't, you know, your own relatives aren't feeding you in a certain way. There's a whole village out there. Think about when you were like 12. And wasn't there a favorite uncle, or a favorite teacher, or a favorite coach that you really love to talk to? Because it was too hard to go to your parents? Yeah. So be that person in your neighborhood.

Wow, that's, that's an amazing insight. So you essentially, what you weren't able to force out of those who wanted to, you just basically went to another source and kind of appease that need.

There's, when you got love to give, there are plenty of folks out there in the world who are happy to receive and just need to know that it's available. Yeah. And if you don't put yourself out there, they're not going to know. And you, you're denying yourself the opportunity to really create some connections and to impart whatever wisdom you have to a willing audience.

That's a great perspective too Yeah. Wow, this is awesome. I'm so glad we got a chance to talk about this. So basically, I mean, you've taken a what can be... I mean, you have a strong love for your daughter and not able to really live that out. And instead found positive ways to to process that emotion. That was good for you and good for other people. While you wait for hopefully her to, to turn and open the door at some point. Well, thank you. That's, that's the kind of helpful insights and ideas that I love to hear and share.

Yeah, I think I want to live long enough to have a great grandchild who is old enough to remember that I said something outrageous?

I have no doubt you could with with your attitude and perspective on life. I have no reason to think you wouldn't live a long life.

Thank you for doing this podcast. This is you know, I think a lot of people need to hear that they're not alone, and that there are coping skills out there that they maybe hadn't heard of before. So yeah, yeah.

Thank you. And absolutely, that's why I love to do it and meeting some great people and you never know who you're gonna get to talk to, and then share with the world. Would you want to make yourself available if people want to reach out to you and talk or is that

Sure. Sure. You can find me at my website, which is business riff.com It's right here. Um, and there's a right on the homepage, there's a box where you can book a synergy call. So it's 15 minutes for free. And I'm happy to talk to people about whatever they need to talk about.

Awesome. And, and what's so what's the focus of what you're doing? Will you touch on that briefly?

I'm particularly good at helping startup businesses, particularly in tech and inventors products. Get a whole bunch of investors, because most startups can't pitch to save their lives. Haven't done their research and found the resources they need and try to get in front of inventor investors before they're really prepared to answer the questions that those investors are going to ask. So I put the pieces together with perfect resources so that when startups present to investors, they get checks instead of chuckles.

Nice. Well put. Well, thank you so much. It's been a pleasure talking with you.

Well this has been fun. I don't get to talk about this stuff that much. I appreciate it.

Well, thanks again for joining me for this conversation with Mary and all that she had to share. I really hope that you found it as helpful as I did, in terms of catching her perspective on things, especially as a grandparent and working with her children who now have children. Really cool. So I hope you guys will have a great week. Again, if you have not yet please subscribe and give us a rating and share it with your friends and so on. Because that's how I get the word out to share this with more and more parents, especially dads who are looking for this kind of information, this kind of input and the community that we're going to be building here. So please go ahead and do that. I'd really appreciate it and we will look forward to talking again soon. Bye for now.