Growing with Our Children

Hey, welcome back, great to be with you again. There's a lot that can be shared with 55 years of live, and over 19 years of parenting, there's so much that could be said about life and parenting and all the different experiences and so on. And as I was thinking about today and what to share, one of the things that occurred to me is how this process of parenting requires us to constantly shift and change. Because as I mentioned before, this, you were in a relationship with someone who was changing constantly, right? I mean, it seems like in the younger years, especially there, when you watch them grow, right, they grow quickly, there you buy a pair of shoes, or any outfit you buy for them lasts maybe a year, and then they they're on to something else, and you got to constantly keep up with the changes going on in their life. And we put a lot of effort into understanding what they're going through and what they need. And we think about it when we start with an infant. Okay, it's fairly straightforward. They might cry. And it's usually one of two, maybe three things in the very beginning. Either they're hungry, or they're in a messy diaper they want out of, I mean, seriously, who wouldn't? Or possibly, they're overtired, and they need some help getting to sleep.

Okay, so you put the effort in to figure out which one is it. Then, as they get a little older, you know, things like teething is introduced. So it could be pain of have teeth coming in is a new thing. So trying to discern, figure out which thing is to check the diaper. You see if they're hungry, and then you can check their teeth. try rubbing things on it. There's different ways of dealing with that, right. But you explore and you try to find out, what is it that they need? What are they trying to communicate? And it it can be tricky. I mean, it's not complicated, but it takes a bit of effort. And so as our kids grow older, we, we learn to move with that, right? We have to get them new outfits, and they start to like different kinds of clothes, or they have different needs and clothing, then we're, we're watching them grow and develop interests in different subjects and different activities, different people. And hopefully, we keep paying attention. But I have a sense that some of us don't do that. Some of us stop trying to understand. I think a lot of us actually begin to I don't know if we get tired of it, or if we forget, or we think maybe they're old enough now that they don't need us in that way. And they can just figure life out. I mean, school teaches them about stuff. And a lot of things especially now there's a lot of things being taught in school that used to be parents responsibility, but now the schools are taking over. I won't go into that debate here. And which things they should be talking about and which ones they shouldn't that's something for another day, maybe that's happening, or they're being educated you could say informed at least of different things in school. So I think the certainly there's to some degree or another I know that I've been facing this and perhaps more so as my kids become teenagers, just this sense that they don't really need me anymore. Or at least they need me less. And sometimes that's a very deliberate and forthright choice on their part. And they might even say so you know that I think it's time for you to let me learn from my own mistakes. Okay. You want to go that route? Okay. Well, here's here's something to think about.

As your kids are getting older, and I know some of you are still have the very young kids, and so you're not here yet. Others are dealing with this, but as your kids are getting older. Are you staying with them? Are you still working with them? Are you still making the effort to know Oh, and understand who they are today. Because you know, that changes, right? You've seen it, are you making the effort to know and understand what they need or want today, based on who they are and, and what they're going through in life today. This is this is really important. Because we're not done, we're never done. I still have a dad and I still need him. And I still want him and he still helps me. Now we're adults. And so we can help each other with different things, the relationship has evolved and changed. But he's still my dad. And that's important. So unless your kids are 55. And even if they are, there's some degree to which they probably still, if they don't really need you, technically, for practical physical things, they likely need you emotionally, mentally, they want you there. So for those of us that are still raising our kids at younger ages, in school, and so on, I challenge you to consider that. Are you still with them? He's still walking with them? Are you still putting in the efforts to know who they are, where they're going and what they need from you especially, but even if they need it from someone else? Are you willing and able to see what they need, and if you don't have it to go and find the person that has it, where to find the source of what they need. That may be quite a challenge for some of us to recognize that we may have dropped the ball there. As our kids get older, their needs change. Alright, so in the beginning, it's things like diapers and clothes. And we also do things like challenging them to walk. Right? Are you bringing out a thought of that as a challenge, but it is. And if you're encouraging them to do it, then you're that's the challenge you're putting to them, you're saying, Hey, here's something new to try the with the toys that they get learning how to use those toys in different activities, learning to ride a bike or skateboard or to build things with blocks. These are challenges. These are new things new and interesting. Activities, skills to learn. They can broadly be categorized as challenges in a very positive way.

As your kids get older and and hopefully start to learn how to do these things and maybe even teach themselves new skills. I wonder if you've thought about some of the other things that they need help with. Like, I have often had to check my kids in terms of how they're thinking about things. That's, that can be a challenging one. And a lot of people don't like these questions about how to think. Because it means that we've got to consider our own behavior and thoughts and attitudes and how we are impacting our own lives. And if it's getting us results we didn't want, then we don't really like to admit that it was our fault. Mostly if we'd rather blame someone else, right? I mean, it's because of what he said or she did or circumstances my boss, you name it, there's always someone else to lay the blame on if we want to. But that means that we have no control over the situation. So I've often challenged my kids to think about what is their part in this? What can you can what can you do differently? That would change the situation or change your experience of it at least? How are you thinking about this? And how could different thoughts change the way life goes for you. As I've said before, it may not be able to change the actual circumstances. But at the very least you can change how you experience it with and make it a more positive experience, even if the circumstances don't change. So considering our kids and how they think and so as we as they get older, again, we recognize that what they need from us changes and evolves over time.

And it's important that we as parents, take that time to walk through that and to really put the effort and the thought into it, right? Remember, we used to put a lot of thought into what is going on with this child? How can I solve their issue, because they're crying, they need something. And we, we do whatever we can to figure it out. Sometimes we can't we assume it's teething. Because I remember the days when our kids were crying, and we couldn't figure it out, we diaper was clean, they were fed, they wouldn't go to sleep. We thought well must be teething, we tried ice cubes and different things to ease the pain that wouldn't work, then you know, you, there's only so much you can do. But here's the thing behind all of this. Part of what I'm getting at is being intentional and thoughtful about our parenting. Maybe not a new idea to you, and maybe you already feel you are. Which is great. I'm very glad for that and saw your kids. I'm gonna challenge you, though, to think deeper. And to go further with this and think about where have you maybe not been putting in the effort? Are you still challenging your kids? If they don't like the challenge, there's different ways of looking at it. We can challenge them directly. And we can challenge them to do what we want them to do. Or we can find challenges for them that are come more naturally, challenges that actually fit into who they are and where they're going. And it might not even come from us, it might be just something that we present to them or have someone else bring to their attention, something that would help to move them forward in a new direction or further in the same direction. We all need that. And as a part of us. I think that all in all of us probably that wants some degree of challenge something new, to develop and to work towards. I know we do talk about you know, wouldn't it be great if we could just sit around on the beaches and enjoy the sun and so on? Well, some people think that way I don't. I don't like laying around on the beach. But that's nobody's because nobody's actually done that. I think at least anybody that I know, I think that we don't realize that that doesn't last very long. I mean, it's nice for a holiday. But it can't be all of life. We need more than that. And so to our kids, and so challenging them and bringing them new ideas, things for them to work on, not demanding of them, but offering the opportunity to them, is something that's really going to endear us to them. They're gonna appreciate that and look to us for more and learn to find more of it themselves as well. And after all of this, here's the tough part. As a parent, are you doing this? Are you living this way? Did that hurt? I don't mind if it did. As long as you're willing to take that challenge and grow with it. Like I'm not trying to be condemning and, and mean. But the thing is, part of maintaining any degree of leadership influence with our kids is that they need to see us doing it that we need to role model what it is we're talking about. So we need to find solutions to problems, we need to adjust the way we think we need to challenge ourselves or allow others to challenge us. And we need to demonstrate all that to our kids. Now, we can't always exemplify or, or role models, everything that we want them to know. But we can do our best to role model the basic principles and the ideas. There are challenges Look, I know, I'm not happy about the the example that I've set in some areas, in particular with health and fitness. That's an area that's that's been a struggle for me. And to be honest, and I know that my kids are going to listen to this. I've spoken to them about that and said I would appreciate your help in that.

And I know that they have different challenges and aspirations and things that they want to achieve. And so we're trying to help each other in these things and learning to support each other building through this, I want them to see that it's possible to change a pattern of 55 years of not caring for myself so well, but now getting serious about it and getting it done and seeing it happen. So, but it doesn't have to be a secret. And that's the other thing, right? I told them, I said, Look, this is something I'm working on. You haven't seen me doing this very well. And I want to change that for my own sake, as well as for theirs. And so it's something we can work on together. I know there's a lot of especially, I guess, in the older my generation, and before, there was a lot of sense of you can't let them see, don't let them know that you're struggling. They have to see you as strong and always steady and secure. My kids know that I'm here for them. Always. I'm not going anywhere. At this point. They know beyond question, I hope it's beyond question in their minds that my wife and I are staying together, that's not going to change. This, these things are reliable, and for sure. I am a good man to them, I make mistakes, but I talked about it. And so they're aware of that. They know that even though I make mistakes, I am reliable in terms of character. And in terms of being there as a father, the important things that I can exemplify. So letting them see, the real me does not diminish trust and love, or respect. It allows them to actually trust and respect me more because they know me, like they knew I made mistakes before I ever admitted it probably. And if you're pretending that you don't, and you're trying to keep that from them, they know. They're not stupid, they can see it. And even if they can't put words to everything that they know, and they see. They know it and they see it nonetheless.

So if I were to wrap this up and sort of summarize, in a word, what I've been talking about here, and working through its influence, key ways to influence people revolve around teaching them how to think, challenging them, and showing them the way those are three of the biggest things we can do. Teaching them to think different ways that's not about us telling them how to sing or what to think I should say, by teaching them how to think and how to think differently about things, again, differently. Just means differently, doesn't necessarily mean my way, it just means not the way they have been thinking. I have to do that for myself. And I use coaches to help me with that I have coaches who helped me who challenged my thinking. So that I can broaden my skill set in the realm of thought, and gain more control over that. And they challenge me, and I allow other people, including my kids to challenge me on things to present a further step a level of improvement. And I'm doing everything I can to learn to role model these things. Of course, none of us is perfect, that's okay. But what we can show them is what we can do and what we do know. And very least we can show them that it is okay and important to learn to think differently, to try to accept challenges, even if you don't succeed in the way that you hoped but to learn and to go again and to do more, and to be a role model. But face up to the fact that you make mistakes, and be honest about it and learn from it and grow and be humble in that. So many of us have learned that that's bad, to never show your weaknesses to always be strong. Don't let them see you cry, don't let them see your fear, whatever it may be. It's nonsense. The most successful acknowledge these things are real. As parents, successful parents, that's what we need to do as well.