Developing Influence

Hey, we're back again, another week, more life to live more lessons to learn. And I'm always excited to be here and happy to share with you and walk on this journey with you. And looking forward to every week, sharing some more things and hearing from other people. Once again this week, it's just me. And what I want to talk about today is something that is really central to so much of life; developing influence. This has impact on pretty much every aspect of your life, whether you know how to influence or not, this is a skill that people can learn. And there's a lot of things that we should say about it. And I'm just going to go into some of it today. And I think we need to start and I do this a lot. But we need to start with defining words. More and more of these days, I find that we have to really define what we're talking about. Words that you might think are obvious what it means. These days, people are just making up their own meanings and adjusting it. Also, admittedly, over time, sometimes the meaning of a word will shift and that's okay. So either way, we need to think about it. But influence is one of those words that has... I guess some people have attached some pretty negative meaning to it. And I think generally is because it's been abused. However, what I want to clarify is this influence to me, in its most simple form is just enabling or helping people to move from one place to another. It might be from physically from one place to another, you encourage them to go out to a movie, instead of staying at home, or you might, your influence might have them pick up a book to read that they might not have read otherwise, you might also influence people's thinking. They're thinking a certain way, and then you influence them to go another direction, to adopt a new belief or pattern of thought, whatever it may be, it's shifting people from one direction to another. I think for me, though, part of the important points about influence to keep in mind has been, certainly, as I'm talking about it, and the way I think of it and define it is, influence is a positive thing. That's step number one. If it's negative, to me, that's not influenced, it's manipulation, or coercion. That's a very different thing. I know it can look and sound kind of similar in the way people do it. But it's not the same thing. And the other key thing about influence is that, in fact, all influence is by permission. And that might surprise you. But we find that if we look into it really, even if it's on a subconscious level, when people influence us, we've given them permission to do that. It's an actually an agreement with people where manipulation is not, coercion is not. So those kinds of negative and abuses of relationship are not positive, and they're not consensual, and they're not mutually agreeable. The other thing about influence is, I think it's fair to say that, generally speaking, you have somebody's best interest in mind.

So with all of that in mind, I'm really just kind of diving right in here. There's a lot to say. And I want to get into some really good stuff here. But it's important to understand where I'm coming from. So as you listen to what I'm saying, you understand, kind of where I'm coming from, and the value of this. So that's kind of where I look at influence, it's a positive thing. And we generally give people permission to influence us. Whether we realize it or not. It might be a subconscious thing. And we're looking out for what's best for people when we're influencing them. So that's kind of the setup and the background. But I don't know I mean, a lot of people certainly I have, many times wished I had more influence with people. Because I wanted to, I wanted to promote something, some activity, some event, some way of thinking or acting. And people just wouldn't listen to me. And I mean, other times people have and so I know that I can have influence with people. But I've always,... I've often wanted to have more.

And certainly I like to have more with my children because I'm responsible for raising them up well And I'm not prepared to leave that to chance. So I have done a number of things, and my wife and I, together, we learn about ourselves, and we grow inwardly and become better people. And that's going to come into play later as we talk about influence. But we also learn about parenting, we learn about how to work with people in relationship, and how to teach, how people learn. All these different aspects to raising kids, there's so much involved, that if you're not thoughtful about it, and not careful, there's a lot of things that can go wrong or get missed, either way. So not that we've done it perfectly, but certainly we've been intentional about it. And influence is one of the areas that's really central, because it just impacts so many things. Even if it's a small thing, like trying to persuade somebody to read a certain book that you think would be beneficial for them, or to not do something that you think is going to be harmful for them. This is,... influence is a very powerful tool in that way, and can really help you do good in the world. And not being able to influence people can really be limiting. Whether it's your kids, your spouse, your friends, whatever it may be, it's really an important skill to learn.

So I'm going to get a little bit now into some of the points about how we influence and what's involved in influence. And how we work that out. There are through through many studies that have been done, there's three really key aspects to what's involved in influence, or the people that are highly influential. Looking at what do they have? Or what do they do that stands out from the rest that makes them particularly influential with people? So there's three basic things. One is that they teach people how to think another is that they challenge us, and the third is that they model the way. Now, teaching people to think, Okay, on its surface, that sounds silly, we all think we just naturally think, right? So why do we need to learn how to think, okay, it's not particularly the process that your mind actually thinks of things, but it's teaching people what kinds of things to think, and different ways of thinking. So a great example, I was recently talking with my kids and my one daughter, was sharing with me she was a little bit, it's one of those things, it's partly she's glad and partly annoyed about. Because she said, there's my fault, that she's become self-aware. And, and is very much aware of what she's doing and why and, and now, she cannot blame other people for what's going on in her life, she has to take responsibility, and recognize what's happening. So she's a little annoyed, because once you get into it, once you become aware, you can't become unaware, you can't start to ignore the things that you know, and that you learn. But this awareness came through a process. And some of these things in developing of influence take more time than others. And also depends a lot on who you're working with, and what circumstances and so on. So with my children, I have, I've influenced their thinking through a number of means, but one of them, I think that might be the most direct and, and powerful is the way I speak to them. So for example, one of my kids comes home and something's happened. And they felt Oh, So-and-so was so mean to me today. And so I'm not going to try to re reiterate the entire conversation. But the basic idea would be that I would, you know, sympathize or empathize with them and say, Okay, that sounds awful. And then I would ask them questions like, so what was what they do is it was so that you thought was mean? And then, well, why do you think that they were, that was being mean? Or that might be a question like, Why do you suppose they did that? And instead of thinking about how my child was feeling, then I get him to think about the other person for a minute. Why do you suppose they did that or said that? And they might have a reason for that. They might know why they did it, and respond to that accordingly.

Then we can look at that and say, well, we can start to ask if that was actually being mean, or were they just looking at this from a different perspective, or were they just trying to to accomplish something that you didn't like. Maybe they wanted to do something that you didn't want to do. And now you're just saying they're mean, because you're upset with the way things went. This questioning process has really trained them to think differently about their interactions with people. But I also would ask them questions about themselves. And that's often where I would focus because what's going on with other people,... first of all, we can't control that. Second of all, we don't always know. And so while yes, sometimes I would talk about the other person and sort of where they're coming from. Often, that was just more for me to get some background information on what really happened. But the other side of it, then is for my kids to go, Well, you know, what are you thinking about that? Why are you feeling this way? Why does that hurt your feelings? Or why are you assuming that they were angry? Or that they were being mean? Or why are you thinking that way? What's another way to look at this? These kinds of questions, uh, when the kids were, were much younger, they couldn't say too much about it. And it was sometimes frustrating. So I wouldn't go too far with it. But it was a pattern of life, that as they were growing, I would ask more and more questions and go a little deeper with it. And so they've learned how to ask those questions for themselves. And really get into that and become aware of how they are feeling and aware of when they're being caught up in the emotions and not being objective about what actually happened. Because so often, we end up telling a different story about what happened, we changed the details a little bit, right? Because then it suits our feelings. So in terms of my kids, you know, teaching them how to think was very often just shown in my example, and this is the third thing, actually, where I'm supposed to be going in terms of modeling. But where a lot of it came from really was me thinking about how can I adjust the way they're thinking about this? Because I know that when we change the way we're thinking about situations, it will change our feelings about it. And it will change our responses to it. And very often, it opens up new possibilities, in terms of how we respond to those people and how we deal with the situation. Or if it's just something within ourselves, again, it creates opportunities for us to look at new ways of remembering and experiencing that situation that will be more beneficial and enjoyable for us. So thinking about, you know, what do I want my kids to think? How do I want him to think about these situations was a central part of that process. And then sort of beginning to ask myself, well, okay, so if I want them to think in a certain way, how can I get them to begin to think in that way. And so really, sometimes we can get very deep into this. And if you're working in a business project, or something like that, or a group of people, it can take even more thought sometimes in terms of really exploring some of the questions about how, how do we help these people to think in a different way? And exploring in that process, what are some of the obstacles that are keeping them from thinking this way? What are the competing thoughts? What are the beliefs that they might have that would keep them from thinking in a more helpful way? And how do we address those beliefs and those competing thoughts? If you really want to start to get have deeper influence with people, this kind of process of thinking through what's required to adjust their thinking will be really important. And as you practice it, look at first, oh, I mean, when we first do this kind of thing, it's laborious, right? It's a lot of work and just constantly having to think carefully, and it takes time, and effort and you you have to plan through and think through all these different details. As you work at it and become familiar with it. This kind of thinking and process starts to become automatic, and it becomes much more efficient and quick. And then it becomes more enjoyable. And you start to build influence with people. So there's more that can be said about teaching people to think but the basic ideas are there. And that's a great place to start to be aware of your own thoughts and feelings and begin to think about what does the other person need to think in order to move in the direction that you would like them to move? What would be a helpful way for them to think about the situation or the plans coming up?

So the other thing that is the challenge now, challenge is interesting. I think some people have this idea that we don't really like challenge. But I think it's a human thing that we actually want challenge. I don't think we want everything to be the same all the time, and to never learn and grow. And sometimes that's evidenced in some of the crazy things that people do. Right, if you look around, and you see, we have these boring lives that are very unchallenging for and then a lot of cases, jobs that are very boring. There's, there's nothing to it, there's no, there's no learning, no growth. And so we create challenges and things, right. Some people go into sport, or they go to extreme sports, and they do, you know, they go for the dangerous thing. They get that adrenaline rush, right skydiving and bungee jumping and things like that. Learning new skills, and developing ourselves, and taking on different challenges is something I think that we all really want and heart. Maybe we don't like to face it, because it just seems too unattainable. I think that we really do want challenge at some degree. But here's the thing. If we're going to challenge, even if we're challenging ourselves, and certainly when we're challenging other people, I think it's important to take into account that the challenge needs to be incremental. If you create a challenge, or present a challenge to somebody that is far beyond what they are capable of, then very often, it's going to scare them away. Because it looks like too much, because it is too much probably. So we need to kind of look at incremental challenge. Now if it's a big project, that is a big challenge, and needs to be big, which is not a bad thing, the key is to present it in steps. And to say, maybe you can present the big picture and say, here's the big challenge. But here's what we're going to do first, here's the simple step. And I heard somewhere and I'd like to try and find this and verify. But there was something about the degree of increase in skill required in a challenge needs to be a bit like 4% or something. So each step I guess, needs to be 4% above the next, which sounds pretty small. But it's interesting that according to some study or other, I wish I could quote it, that that was kind of the prime zone. It's enough that it's a growth and it's a learning, but it's not overwhelming. So there might be a bigger picture in mind, as I said, but the steps that we take, need to feel reasonable and do-able. So if we're going to challenge our kids, this is something to keep in mind as well. And some of the interesting challenge of that is, you know, I mean, we're adults, we've been through life, even if you're, you know, in your 30s. And you're having you have a couple of kids, or whether you're like be at 55. With the four kids well on their way. Sometimes we forget, they don't think like us, they don't feel exactly the way we do. They don't have the capabilities and experiences we do. I mean, it's obvious when we say it, but in the moment we sometimes forget. So having that reminder can be really important, that at different stages, they have different abilities. And the other interesting thing for those who have multiple children, like my wife and I we have four there is a what is it seven, seven, half year age gap between the oldest and the youngest. And so that presents the challenge as well, for those who have multiple kids that the oldest and the youngest are not the same. Again, sounds obvious, but I've noticed that I forget that my 12 year old is only 12. Right. I mean, I have a 19 year old, who's you know, got full time work and looking at University College or courses and moving out at some point. Hope you are right, you're planning to move out?

I know my kids are listening to these. So I forget that he's only 12. And I have to think back to you know, for example, when my oldest was 12. What were what were our expectations on her and how did we treat her and the responsibility levels and things like that? And also I think my kids forget that they're not all this Same. So the older ones, I think of one, the younger ones aren't doing this, well, they're younger. So I keep coming back to point on challenges. The same thing is true for when we're teaching them how to think. Just recognizing where they're at, and what's an appropriate challenge. But the other thing is, you know, challenges. We can create challenges that are challenges just for the sake of learning. And that's not necessarily a bad thing. It's just challenged for the interest of being challenged and trying something new. And sometimes people like that some kids, and some adults will enjoy that. Or the other thing is, we can present challenges that lead in a certain direction. I mean, even changing the way we think, is the type of challenge, right, pushing ourselves to be more aware or to think of things differently to consider other people's situations, and feelings and so on. These can all be challenging, but just creating life challenges. I will have my kids do work with me, sometimes different carpentry work or repair work around the house, I will offer them opportunity to learn to cut the grass, learn to use the lawn more, or the weed trimmer at some point, right? And each one is appropriate to their age and their abilities. And I say well, do you want to learn how to do this? Why don't you learn how to do this, would you consider taking on this project. And it's new things for them to learn. And they're not always in the mood. But my kids generally have developed This interest in learning things and developing skills. And so they take on new challenges. Not always and not forever. But they do like to have those challenges. It's something that we generally need as humans, it's part of growing and learning and becoming more and enjoying more of life is finding the challenges but as parents finding the appropriate challenges that suit the child and where they're going in life. Even the challenge is like having them do their own research or do their own investigations into things. They want to,... my oldest wants to do some study at college. Okay? Do some research, look into it. Find the college's find the schools that are going to teach you what you want to learn. You do it, learn to do it learn to find these things online, learn to find the people that you need to talk to and so on and so forth. These different types of challenges that relate to where they are and what they're going through, can be some of the most beneficial and rewarding. So then again, back to the idea of modeling. So showing the way I think we most people know this, right? People pay more attention to what you do and how you live than what you say. Words are important for sure how you say it is important. But demonstrating it is, is really key. And so, you know, for us as parents who are taking on new challenges, trying new things, pushing ourselves setting, setting goals, in terms of you know, reaching different new skills, and things like that. Finding new ways of thinking, pushing ourselves socially, if we are shy, are we willing to push ourselves socially and take on the challenge of becoming more, more open and sociable with people and making new friends? Can we demonstrate that for our kids? Or if we're very outgoing? Can we demonstrate take on the challenge of spending some time being quiet and not being the center of attention to the party and, and allowing other people opportunity for that? Sometimes this can be part of the most challenging of all of this, if we want to influence people, is for some of us, it's really, you know, learning to live it out ourselves can be challenging. Because really when we explore that and start looking into it, sometimes we find that we're not actually doing it as much as we think other people should. And so maybe we need to take on doing a bit more of it ourselves. Challenging the way we think giving ourselves challenges that move us in a particular good direction that that is good and suitable for us and where we're going in life. So living those things out, is going to be key because as we said, people watch what you do. And if you're not living it out, they're not going to, they're not likely to do it, they might choose to do it on their own. But certainly when you're looking at your kids very much, so they will tend to do what you do more than what you say. And, and that can be challenging. And recognizing that there are certain limits on life, right? You know, my wife and I have not been nearly as active in the last number of years as we wanted to. Well, as you know, if you've been following the podcast episodes, you know, that, you know, all of us were in a collision six years ago, a little over six years ago. And so that's had an influence on how active we can be in. So putting on weight becoming a little bit less healthy, or our diet wasn't quite as good as we would like it to be, in general in the house. And so now we're trying to change those things. Over time, we're building towards better lifestyles, more healthy lifestyles, in terms of eating, and the way we talk about the things that we watch and listen to, because that's part of our overall health diet, right, our mental health is a key part of it. So the kinds of information that we're putting in, are we watching the shows, you know, that are beneficial, or at least that aren't negative. And so, we talk about those things and share those things with the kids. And it's a challenge for us too. Certainly, for me, I, I really pushed myself to start to eliminate TV shows that are just really garbage. They don't have any real benefit or, or positive to them. Get rid of those things.

So here's a here's a bit of a summary and and challenge to in terms of building your influence with your kids and with your spouse. And it's true, generally with with anybody is to think about, you know, how are you teaching people how to think? And are you, are you being deliberate about that? What is it that you're currently showing them? In terms of how to think? And is it the kind of thinking that you want them to do or do you need to adjust your own thinking first. Challenge people to grow. You know, if you're building character, and inner qualities, is sometimes the biggest challenge. So the challenge to grow as a person is a great challenge to focus on. And when you're doing that, a lot of that will relate to, you know, the connection that you have with yourself and with others. Challenging, challenging our kids to connect differently, or in better ways with themselves and with each other. And with different people is a central thing. Looking at contribution, challenging their contribution in the house, to the family, challenging their contribution to, or to start to contribute. Within the family or at school, or with a friend group, if they're in sports or dance or something. How are they contributing? How are they making a difference in the world? In their world. Like not, this is not, you know, out in the world somewhere, you know, in, in Africa, where we're in Canada, it's like, I mean, yes, we can we can make a difference there. But I mean, let's start with ourselves and in our own world, how are we making a difference in the world here, but the people around us and the that we know and that we have direct connection to that we can connect with? are we connecting? Are we building that connection in those networks and and having a positive influence in the world that's immediately around us? And then again, just modeling the way demonstrating, thinking about how your current life pattern but habits, behaviors? How do they line up with the kind of influence that you want to have with your kids? Is it demonstrating that automatically through your habits or are there some things that we need to change?

This is an awesome subject and when I get into this with my coach this it's hard to even get get through something like that in an hour and a half. So this brief summary really doesn't isn't gonna go too far but certainly sitting down one to one coaching. So there's a lot that we can get into and it's a lot of fun to explore and to develop these things, developing influence, again, it's just such a critical part of life. Teachers need to influence their students, right? People at work, you need to influence the people around in order to work together as a team and to improve the, uh, if you want to improve the culture, the atmosphere at your work that takes influence. And so as you begin to, to consider your own position and where, where you're working in who you're with, how can you apply these principles to begin to actually have some positive influence in the world around you, family, hear your extended family, right, your own siblings and parents or aunts and uncles and cousins, whoever it may be, your place of work. There's so much that we can do there's so much good that we can bring to the world when we're willing to work with ourselves and to develop skills like influence. It's just so amazing and it's fun to learn once you get into it, and when you start to see the results. So thank you once again for joining me I really enjoyed this and looking forward to it. I have another great guest lined up for next week. And I believe soon you're gonna hear from my kids. We had a conversation recently and I think I kind of need to piece it together a bit too, to make it work but I wanted to do that and I'm hoping that I will be able to get some other families to get together and talk with the kids and and share these these conversations on the podcast as well. So always more to come and always looking forward to it. Have a great week and we will talk to you again soon.