Beyond the Breath: The Distinction Between Niceness and Kindness

Welcome to beyond the Breath.

I am so glad you are joining me today.

My name is Heather Hester and I am really excited to talk about today's topic.

It is actually a little bit of a teaser for some changes that are going to be coming in a few weeks for this podcast.

So today I am going to talk about the difference between being nice and being kind.

And I have given this a lot of thought in recent months, this distinction.

And it actually very specifically came up a few weeks ago when I was talking with a friend of mine and we were.

I can't even remember exactly what we were talking about, to be honest, but it came up this whole distinction between what being nice means and what being kind means.

And it sparked this thought that this is a conversation that we need to be having and especially in the context of allyship and advocating for marginalized communities.

So really what we're going to look at is an overview, like the big picture of nice and kind, and then talk about some really specific examples of where this shows up in our lives and how we can make some really subtle shifts and perhaps even some big shifts.

But I think it's really important to point out as we start that so many of us were raised to prioritize being nice.

We were always told to be nice, be nice to one another, be nice in public, and really what that equates to is be polite, use your manners.

Right.

At least in my mind, and I think in the mind of many now, there's obviously many layers to that, but what is the difference between being nice and prioritize being nice as opposed to being kind?

And this is where I found often requires kindness, which isn't always nice.

So let's just hop right in and let's define what we know niceness to be and kindness to be.

So niceness is a social expectation, like I said, it's often driven by politeness or an avoidance of conflict.

And it's typically too used to maintain comfort for yourself, for everyone around you.

Niceness can come across as being fake or insincere.

And it can also be a thin veiled mask of actually the opposite behavior or the opposite feeling of quote, unquote, nice.

Right?

So an example of this would be saying, I'm so sorry you feel that way, which really is insincere in so many ways.

Instead of actually addressing the harm, I'm sorry that I did this.

I'm sorry that my action, my behavior made you feel this way.

Right.

So that, that I'm sorry you feel that way is taking the ownership out of the equation.

And it's a whole way to smooth things over while avoiding conflict.

Typically it is delivered with this whole facade of what could otherwise be described as sweetness, right.

Pleasantness, politeness, kindness, on the other hand, is rooted in empathy and action and encourage.

And like I just alluded to a little bit, it may require uncomfortable honesty or standing up against injustice or unfairness or something that you just view as wrong, perhaps even immoral.

For example, calling out a harmful or cruel joke in a social setting, which is really hard to do, but it's the kind thing to do.

It may not come across as quote, unquote nice, Right, but it's kind.

There's a book called platonic by Dr.

Marissa Franco, who on this topic I that was so fascinating that in discussing friendships, which is what the book is about, that true connection requires authenticity, not just surface level niceness.

So in order to be authentic, right, Our authentic selves and connect with somebody else in a very authentic way, it's goes far beyond the surface niceness.

So I'd like for you to just stop for a moment with me and think about a time when you knew you were being nice for the sake of niceness or to keep the peace or to avoid confrontation.

And I want you to see if you can like really remember how that felt and where you felt that in your body.

And.

And on top of that, as you're remembering this, how that makes you feel now.

And then I'd like for you to think about a time when you were kind.

Kind to another human being, showed kindness in a difficult situation.

And I'm wondering, as you think about that, how did how the kindness showed up for you?

Did it show up by helping that person in some way or acknowledging the pain that they were in, or standing in solidarity or even something as simple as going out of your way to share words of kindness or a smile, which is different than niceness, Right.

When you think about that, and I'm wondering how that felt, where you felt that in your body and as you're remembering it right now, how that feels.

And if you can feel the difference and really intellectually connect to the difference and as well as emotionally, mentally, and just in your body feeling.

So why does being kind or being aware of the difference between being nice and being kind matter and allyship?

Well, being nice maintains the status quo and it avoids the hard conversations.

Being nice, again, keeps everything right at the surface.

It doesn't go into those deeper layers of why allyship is important.

Who in your life needs you as an ally, what kind of topics are coming up that perhaps just need to have a good conversation or a discussion or need to be addressed?

When we're being nice, we don't do any of that.

And I just have a little bit of a tangent to go off on here, because as I was really thinking about this topic, I realized that most of my life I was nice.

I spent my life, especially with my family of origin, being nice because I knew that's how I could keep the peace.

I knew that's how I could survive conversations.

That's how I could.

Now, when I really look at it and I really pull things apart for me, how I could avoid discussing things that were uncomfortable.

And it's fascinating because I think especially girls and girls of my generation, so I'm Gen X.

That was something that was really emphasized, was for us to be nice, be nice, be nice, be nice.

And being able to break out of that and being able to make this distinction, discernment between niceness, politeness, and kindness is really an extraordinary breakthrough.

And for me, it just feels it was such an aha moment.

So while being nice, like I said, can maintain that status quo, right?

It helps us avoid hard conversations.

Being kind means actively standing up for those who are marginalized, even when it's uncomfortable.

And that's the really, really big piece.

Even when it's uncomfortable and we talk a lot about discomfort and leaning into that discomfort and knowing that when we feel uncomfortable, a lot of times that means that we're doing the right thing, that we're growing, that we are making important shifts, that we are leaning into who we are authentically.

Now we can add kindness to that, right?

There is this.

When we are uncomfortable in a situation that we are, whether we're standing in solidarity or we are standing up for someone else, kindness comes into play as well.

So I just want you to add that to your kind of mental list of as you are going through.

So here is a really great example of the difference between being nice and being kind when it comes to allyship.

A teacher who avoids discussing LGBTQ identities to keep the peace.

Nice versus a teacher who creates an inclusive environment despite potential pushback, which is right where we are right now, right?

This is in this time.

And you can insert your boss at work, your neighbor down the street.

You can replace teacher with any number of things, right?

You can replace LGBTQ with a number of other people who are being targeted right now.

So someone who does this really, really well and talks about this in a way that I have found to be very, very helpful is Brene Brown, specifically in her book Dare to Lead.

And anybody who's a Brene Brown fan knows that she has written a lot about this and talks about it both in her books and on her podcast.

But one thing that really struck me as I was doing a little bit of research for this episode, trying to find different examples and people that I really respect who have discussed this topic is looking at it like this.

What is kind and what is unkind?

So in Dare to Lead, Brene talks about being clear as being kind and being unclear as being unkind.

And the idea here is that she highlights the importance of being being clear and direct in communication, arguing that this approach is ultimately more considerate than being ambiguous.

And of course that sounds so obvious, right?

But think about when you are in a situation that is uncomfortable, or when you really want to stand up for somebody, or when you want to advocate and think about perhaps the feelings that come up for you that may make things not clear or may make you anxious and anxiety is really famous for making things all jumbled and cloudy and makes you use a thousand words when ten would suffice, right?

So this whole idea of taking a really deep breath and being clear and direct and calm is more considerate and more kind.

And the benefits are that it respects others.

Being clear respects other people's intelligence and avoids leaving them guessing or feeling misled.

It creates a safe space.

Direct communication can help establish trust and build a foundation for open and honest conversations.

And it can facilitate problem solving and really talking through difficult topics.

Clear communication allows people to understand the problem, the expectations, and how to address that.

Really discuss back and forth how to address it and how to solve it.

Clarity, unclarity, sorry, on the other hand, is unkind because it leaves room for misinterpretations, which leads to misinformation and all of the things right.

Unclear communication can lead to confusion and misunderstandings, which causes unnecessary stress and can in the long term be very, very damaging to relationships.

It actually undermines trust.

People feel disrespected and undervalued when important information completely left out or just not communicated well.

Avoiding difficult conversations or being unclear about expectations can enable individuals to shirk their responsibilities or not take responsibility or not be accountable.

A few examples of how being unclear is unkind are one giving half truths or just completely leaving critical information out of a statement, a conversation, a discussion to not clearly communicating expectations with somebody that you're working with, with spouse, a partner, a friend, and a discussion and three and this is a big one, talking about people instead of to them.

So here are a few real life scenarios where this kind of, you can kind of see this playing out in.

I included this in here because these are kind of shortened to the point.

But it really shows the difference between niceness and kindness.

So the first one is in a, an example in a workplace where a co worker misgenders a colleague, niceness would be saying nothing to avoid the awkwardness, just kind of just avoiding it, right?

Looking away, pretending you didn't hear it.

Kindness would be politely correcting them and ensuring your colleague who is misgendered feels supported.

The second real life scenario is in a family conversation where a relative makes a racist or homophobic comment.

Niceness would be laughing uncomfortably or changing the subject, really prioritizing the comfort of the person who made the racist or homophobic comment over the rest of the people there.

Kindness would be gently but firmly explaining why the comment is harmful or unacceptable.

This actually came up really recently for a situation with one of my kids where the significant other of one of their friends made a very racist comment.

And so instead of addressing it directly, both the significant other and the person, the friend who is dating this person, neither one of them addressed it, neither one of them took ownership or accountability.

And instead of kind of done all types of things, such as dancing around it, such as doing the I'm sorry that you felt that way.

And it has caused really, really big problems within the greater group of friends.

Because ultimately, at the end of the day, what niceness does is it shows character.

And when this is, when niceness is a behavior that's exerted, and especially in a way like this, over and over again, it shows character and not a great way, as opposed to practicing being kind, even if it comes out messy, even if it comes out, you know, jumbled, always better, right?

It feels better to be kind than it does to be nice.

And I think all of us can think of a conversation, whether it is within our families or, or with a friend group, that some kind of comment has been made that has needed to be addressed in some way.

And you can think, you know, if you're thinking back about this, how was it handled?

Was it handled with niceness?

Was it handled with kindness?

Was it handled with a conversation?

Was it just swept under the rug?

And as you're thinking about this, I don't want this to be an exercise either of shaming anybody.

This to me is something that we all can be better at.

And it's something that requires being aware and practice.

So certainly this isn't a situation of, of shaming.

So please don't take this as an opportunity to think about all the ways that you've messed up and oh my gosh, this is terrible.

I want you to think of this as an opportunity to learn and grow, which is the way that I have taken it as well.

And then the final real life scenario that I want to share with you is one within community and community advocacy where a school board debates inclusive policies.

Being nice would be staying out of it because it's quote unquote not your fight.

Being kind would be speaking up even if it makes waves.

And again, this is one that we're seeing a lot of now and I believe that we are going to see a lot more of.

So as you find this in your community, whether it's with, with school boards, with park boards, with your community delegates within the larger community of our state representatives and our first people think about ways that we can advocate and how we can shift from that just surface level niceness to kindness.

Some of the ways that we can do this is to ask yourself, am I avoiding discomfort or am I being truly compassionate?

Am I making an effort to be truly compassionate?

The second is something that I've talked about many times before because it can go across so many different topics and it's using I statements when addressing tough topics.

For example, I feel it's important to fill in the blank instead of you're wrong.

And this is something that takes practice and it takes just a good deal of thought to shift your approach with, with this if this is one that has tripped you up in the past.

And then finally practicing courage and small ways, correcting misinformation when you hear it or when you see it, affirming others and using your voice where it counts.

So I really, really encourage you to take step into your kindness and figure out your line where your line lies between being nice and being kind.

And that's going to be different for everyone.

And step, take steps every day that step you closer to being kind.

Several ways that you can do that is by supporting organizations that promote allyships, allyship and social justice, such as my favorite, the Trevor Project.

Another is showing up for racial justice.

This is an awesome one.

I will link it in the show notes.

I just came across this and I'm becoming a bigger and bigger fan.

Human Rights Campaign, again, love it.

And the national alliance for Mental Illness, which again, this one's one that they support mental health advocacy and is a place where a lot of our effort can be used, our advocacy could be used right now.

So you know, whether it is your volunteer time, your donations, your engagement with these organizations, in person, online, whatever you can do to help amplify their missions.

So just as a really quick summary, niceness is about comfort.

Kindness is about action.

And I'd love to hear from you.

If you want to share a particular situation that you've encountered, reach out to me on my socials, reach out via email, reach out in the comments, let me know where you've, you know, become really aware of this in your life, where it's perhaps tripped you up in the past and you've thought, oh my gosh, now I see the difference.

Now I see where I could do better in the future or do differently in the future.

So grateful that you were with me today.

Thank you so much for joining me on this Friday episode.

And if you found this conversation to be meaningful, please subscribe, share and leave a review that really helps get this out to other people who might just need a conversation like this.

Might be looking for a podcast like this and I'd really just appreciate your help and helping to build a world where kindness leads the way.

Until next time.