Brian King Navigating Life With ADHD, Autism And Other Conditions

Hello, everybody. Welcome to another episode of hope without sight with your host Saylor Cooper and

this is Tyler Evans.

And this is episode 13. Recording in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico. Here at constant influence here at the podcast content creation camp hosted by Michelle Abraham so Good to be here. I know. I will title you're not here with me, but oh, well, maybe next time. On today's episode, we have a very special gentleman who has had quite a life story. He has three sons with autism and ADHD. And he has received a diagnosis himself. He has a master's degree. Please welcome Brian King Brian, how you doing today?

Thank you so much, Saylor. It's an absolute joy. I wish I was there in porta Viar toe with you? Because I'm currently in the Chicago area with snow and cold.

Wow. Yeah. I bet it's cold. Yeah, cold.

But in general, my stock answer is I'm doing my best.

You're doing your best. Yeah, I see. Oh, so um, so yeah, welcome to the hopefully, without site. So as I mentioned, before we started this podcast is all about featuring people who've had obstacles in life and have overcome them. Tyler and I, we certainly have had them right, because both of us are legally blind. And when we're not just friends, we're almost brothers brothers from another mother as we'd say, right?

Yes, indeed.

As long as the world ceases to accommodate all of us. It's the struggles are just going to continue.

They Oh, absolutely. Yeah, you got the right. So give us some background. And your biography. You mentioned your persons with autism and ADHD. And you have it yourself. And honestly, I mean, you don't seem to have the destroyer. To me. I don't, I can't notice anything so far. So

we've known each other for a long time for a couple minutes. So I fill in the gaps. I grew up with him. I grew up with undiagnosed Asperger's at the time, ADHD, dyslexia and dyscalculia. So I struggled with reading and math. And I was always call you a lazy, dreamy, unmotivated, it was always a character flaw. That's what they always brought it back to that was why I was struggling. And because I was clumsy and socially awkward. I didn't make friends easily. The boys made fun of me, the boys would hit me punch me throw rocks at my head and just being raised that way was awful. I also had a father with Asperger's. A mom with ADHD. Neither one of them knew it, and then tried to raise three kids. My brothers and I, who all had Asperger's ADHD to some degree, so our house was like two cats trying to herd cats. Wow. And that was Oh, no childhood in adulthood. I was diagnosed with Ehlers Danlos Syndrome, which is a connective tissue disorder. So my joints like to come out of place on a regular basis and it hurts. And I also have multiple sclerosis.

Oh my goodness, while I have Oh, there's

one thing I forgot my graduation present from high school with stage three testicular cancer. Ah, so I spent the summer after graduation in chemotherapy. And I'm writing book six. And raising my three boys with autism and ADHD. My eldest boy also has bipolar. Oh my youngest, you also have the Ehlers Danlos. But here's the bottom line, Saylor and Tyler. As much as my body is kind of coming undone and sabotaging itself, I still have three boys I need to prepare for the world. So they need to see me being resourceful, resilient, empowered. Someone who looks for opportunities to take action and see the positive in a situation not at the expense of the reality of the situation. But enough to say there's something we can do here. We are not out of options. We're still in the arena. So whether I'm laying in bed or sitting up in my recliner in my wheelchair, I want my boys to see empowerment modeled for them. So that is my number one priority, and that's why I show up the way I Do Now tailored to your comment before that I don't seem like I have these issues. I'm talking to you one on one in the quiet office that's temperature controlled, and the lighting is exactly the way I need it. So I'm a lot more organized. If you put me in a restaurant, you're going to see a completely different Brian. Yeah, the set the sensory tension that's in there, the the amount of motion, I'd be rocking, I'd be curled up in my chair, I'd be physically looking around nobody paying attention to you. I'd be on threat alert.

Yeah, that's very common with autism spectrum disorder. And also another thing to point out, it's no longer Asperger's, that DSM, I think, since 2014, has we labeled it autism spectrum, because

I use that for the sake of context, because that's what it was called when I was diagnosed with it. But yeah, right. Everything is under the autism umbrella.

Yeah, because it's not a single disorder. It's a spectrum. Everybody has like different levels. And they have different kinds of skills, but they all share similar traits, traits in each of the domains. And I see, you know, because you're right, I mean people with with this disorder, that they're often very fixated on routines. Like you said, you know, since you're in office, now, you're fine.

Here's a metaphor that comes to mind because I love the conversation about the continuum. There's more to a mountain than its peak. Right? There's the sides, and there's all different smaller peaks. Well, we look at the autism spectrum, and we pay attention to autism. Right, that's the peak. That's the diagnosis. Well, everything that kind of looks like it is not quite the peak, but still belongs to the mountain, we call that neuro divergence. Wow. That's how I see at least

it's no divergence, because I mean, you're right, people have autism. I mean, they're not obviously no typical. Like the average person, you have a your see and have a world differently. But at the same time, I see autism is that it's not rather strange, I see it more as a trade off. Yes, you're may not do so well, on average alias. But y'all do have, you know, very particular traits. I don't know about you. But I know some people have autism, who can detect minut details that the average average person cannot.

That's one of the reasons I'm so good at my job. I hear things in the way a person talks, and everybody else misses when I was in grad school, because I have a auditory tactile synesthesia. So I feel sound, I feel people's voices. And there are certain voices that help regulate me. And there are certain voices that are painful to listen to. So you know, certain songs, for example, I was listening to tunes to help me regulate myself and manage my anxiety before we got on the call. But one thing I want to share, because this has worked to my advantage, as well as to my disservice over the years, and you kind of pointed it out, where we're good at some things and not so good at others. But when you're on the spectrum, the contrast between what you're good at what you stink at is so severe, it's like stepping off a cliff. But the average person, they're kind of generalists, right? They're pretty good here. Pretty good. They're not so much over here, but the differences aren't as significant. With us. It's like, wow, you can do all that math in your head. That's amazing. Not tie your shoe. Now, they might as well be apples and oranges. Yeah, but in my case, when I got my assessments, I tested in the 99.6 percentile and verbal ability.

You have a bubble.

So the doc said it would have been 100%. But I was a little slow answer one of the questions. And that has forever soured me time tests. But the point is where I listed all my disabilities, the dyscalculia can't do math to stabilize the dyslexia, the range at the autism, I have all those things, making it very difficult to live my life. I need a lot of help with organizing, time management, all that stuff. What I don't need help with is articulating my thoughts and feelings. Where Wow. So people are able to connect with way explain things but they automatically assume well, he must not be challenged. You must have all together. No, I can explain things good. That's my superpower. I struggle with everything else.

Now Go ahead. No, no go for that. Oh, since you struggled with everything else, how did you get to with ADHD and all the other stuff you had? How did you get through math in high school and college? Because that, of course, I don't have autism myself, but I am like, I do have ADHD to some degree. Where I can't, you know, I can't stay focused on the task at hand, especially in the morning, you know, I, when I get up, I have trouble going in the morning. That's why I take I take focalin to stay focused and take a stimulant called focalin. And it does help me. But of course, I was terrible at math. Growing up, especially in high school, could not do algebra. And of course, I normally that couldn't do it, because I couldn't really see it. And I'm visually challenged. Now, of course, some blind people can do math, but of course, they do it in their head, you know, but how did you get how did you get through high school? And college? How'd you get a master's degree? How'd you? How'd you get this high education,

math in high school, in college, by the skin of my teeth? That's how I got through it. It was always taking the most basic math classes, you know, what's the minimum I could do to fulfill the requirement? I majored in social work instead of psychology because I couldn't handle the math requirement. Otherwise, it could be a psychologist. Yeah, but honestly, I think social work is a better fit, because it's so community focused and getting out there and changing the world. And that's more of me. Wow. But what really got me through it was the, the fact that I was tenacious enough to just want to get it done to just get through. I didn't want to do it again. Right. It was like doing your prison sentence. Yeah, to do you're, you're on parole, I'm not going back to that. College analogy. There was one algebra course I had to take couldn't get out of it no matter how much I made. So I was used to taking four or five classes per quarter. This time, I took only the math class. And I swear, I spent as much time on that, as I would have had I had four courses.

Only class, wow.

Only the math class and my working memory being so awful. It was hard to remember the rules. And you know, because with the DIS calcula, my brain reverses orders of operation and reverses numbers. So I'll think I'm multiplying one number line up by the planning something else. So it was a lot of taking it slow, remembering the principles, sticking with the basics, not overthinking it, getting it done and letting my brain forget every single benefit. Wow. So I got through that class with a B, and I worked my butt off. And I offer photographic proof if you don't believe me,

and so Wow. So dis calcula. I would say it's like dyslexia, right?

Some people call it that, just because one of the commonalities is the reversals. Yeah, the reversing numbers. But it's more complicated than that. It's how do I manipulate numbers? How do I calculate the Do I remember the orders of operation and stuff? And my brain looks at algebra and stuff. And it thinks, oh, this is Tetris with hieroglyphics. I don't want to do this. Well, I do social work instead.

I'm sure you, I'm sure you had a lot of tutors, right? To help you with math. Like,

I had a codependent mother, who was a rescuer, and was practically my helicopter mom. And she was very good at math. So she would help me through the rough parts. And mostly math was something I survived. I wouldn't say it's anything that I've thrived in. It was one of those classes that when you look at where the trajectory of a person is, according to their gifts, if math doesn't look like it's going to be part of that, get over. Yeah. Kit, get the kids through it. Let them focus on their strengths, because the thing they can monetize is what's going to help them live their life. Not all the state names or capitals or what number presidents so on and so forth. Was that stuff doesn't move the needle.

Yeah, always

learn something that they can take action with and actually create something for themselves and schools need an overhaul?

Yeah, and that's and that's why a lot of colleges I think they focus on too much general knowledge, and they, they make you take a lot of courses and that's So Tyler, I don't know if you agree with me on this, but I mean, that's one of the reasons why I didn't. I didn't finish college because it was just too much. I, I, you know, I can handle the course there's so much, especially the math and like, a lot of times, you don't need a degree to be successful. And that's why we're in entrepreneurship now, like starting our own podcast business. And so

let me tell you a Sunday, let me tell you this sailor, you don't need schooling, what you need as an education. And right now, where you are at your, your podcasts conference, you're getting an education.

Yes. Right. And thank you,

I literally have specialized insight to help you monetize a skill and a passion. Yes. Okay, let's do that. And I'm a big champion of lived experience and the value of one of my clients, I'd hold her up against any train therapist any day, because she's done the work on herself, and has such tremendous insight, and emotional balance and patients. I would send people to her for counseling. And because she doesn't have letters, she's easily discounted, which is completely unreasonable in my mind, because she has the education. She didn't go to school for it, she lived it.

You I hear you, Brian, you have to get an education. But education may mean different to each person. You know, like for me, you know, college ain't the thing they have anything is, you know, being on the journey that I'm on now. And

you're probably not gonna be in a surgeon, I hope you went to school. Yeah. But But in some cases, you know, you're better off kind of finding your own way.

Right, exactly. And the AI, yeah, you only need a degree, if he wants to be a doctor, a lawyer. And, you know, polish is this general knowledge, focus on your specialty. I've heard it say from a common YouTuber. His name is Jad T. Jones, he, he put up a video is 24 minutes, he says, how just go into college of law, it's just a waste of your time. Unless you truly know what you want to do. He says, before you even register for the courses, you have to know if that's what you want to do, because a lot of college students, they're going to school, they get out, they have no jobs, and they're just broke manual, they just go into huge holes of debt. And no,

let's let's simplify this. Before, before you go into college, you need to know what effect you want to have on the world. Right? Exactly. People talk about what What job do you want to do for the next 20 years? Or? Or what do you see yourself doing, I see myself in a difference, a very specific difference. And there's certain information that I need certain relationships I need to have in order to allow me to be effective at that. I don't need to know everything about ancient Mesopotamian history in order to accomplish that. You know, maybe it'll make me more aware of the world I'm in but I can go and find that stuff on Google, I can go find that the local library, don't make me pay for it. Exactly. I can find this stuff on my own. Teach me this stuff that is actionable. Yes, that when I walk out the door, I know, this is the effect I want to have on the world. And this is the factory strategy and learning class today, that's going to help me out. If you're not teaching me that you're wasting my time. You got it. But that's just me. That's why I'm not a teacher.

Right? Exactly.

That's why a lot of parents or teachers or whatever are so used to this generalist approach to things. They're almost afraid to help us zero in on our zones of genius, because they're afraid they're cheating us or leaving us out. Trust me, if we're not going to use it, we don't retain it. You know, you can spend all those years trying to help us write the perfect research paper, or pass the math tests and everything about social. But if it doesn't raise our energy level. It doesn't excite us. You might as well never told us.

I can't agree with you more. I think you know what the advice that you're giving on the show is very, very, very useful. And so now, you your your social worker, right.

Well, that's my degree. I don't, I didn't keep up my license for a lot of reasons. Part of it being the ableist state that I live in, who believes that people should have to be present in order to get are continuing ed credits even though it causes excruciating pain. So, still working on that bureaucratic nightmare?

I hear you. So what do you do now, besides raising your family signs? And also, let's go into tell me more about like raising up sons as well? How have you? How have you managed to raise them like as your autism? Is it the same degree as yours or just Yeah, elaborate more on that.

They're very different. I think that their mom is very much on the spectrum. Even though she won't admit it. That's my ex. And my boys have different levels of challenges. They're very unique, different from each other. My middle boy was more autistic, and more classic sense, speech delay, huge sensory issues, meltdowns on a regular basis, he just left for his job a little while ago, works full time doing fast food right now until he figures out what classes he wants to take. But he's, he gets to be hyper and move and use his energy and, and kind of talk loud because that's what has hyperactivity and stuff demands. Well, if you're in a busy kitchen, in a fast food place, you get to just boom, just kind of let all that energy out and move around, and he absolutely loves it. So that's good for him. But one thing that I want to emphasize here, to everybody out there who thinks they're a solo act, we have to do it alone. It has and continues to take a village to raise my voice. I collaborate with educators, instead of slamming my fist at meetings and telling them about all the rights they're violating, and how they're gonna hear from this lawyer. And that, no, I make friends of them. We're on the same team, we all want to be successful. Let's support each other and being successful. So we all win. If we are adversaries, everybody suffers. So I make allies of my physicians of my kids, teachers of my friends, I find experts, because like I mentioned, I have all of these difficulties myself, I need this help as much as the boys do. And the lady I'm married to now, it's ironic, this is episode 13. Similar because Sunday is my 13th anniversary with this lady, my wife, Kathy, who I've known since I was four years old. Wow. We went to school till sixth grade. And then I went to a different school, we lost touch for 37 years, my first marriage fell apart. And I got on Facebook to try and you know, reconnect and build myself a new support system. And I decided to send her a friend request because I thought about her in passing all these years. Turns out she was one town over the whole time. Now. This her and her dog, no kids. So she started hanging out with me. And we fell in love and got married now it's 13 years later. How?

Wow, how ironic. What an incredible story about right there. Y'all lost touch for a long time. And then, after all these years you, y'all

you want to hear the Hallmark aspect of that story? Sure, yes. Her profile was only two hours old when I sent her the friend request. And I was the first request she accepted.

Oh, my goodness. And let me ask Is she on the spectrum?

Oh, wow.

She's very ADHD.

Oh, wow. Very, very ADA vet. Y'all seem to make it work, y'all. He's amazing.

She has executive function skills that I can only dream of. And she she can't keep track of her phone. She's always losing her keys. Phil do five different things before she does the original thing that she wanted to do. But if there is chaos that needs to be organized, step aside and let her handle it.

Wow. So and so you're in so you're married to her now. And she's even the only 13 years how incredible.

I am. significantly better person because I'm married to her.

I know there's somebody out there for everybody. And Tyler, you and I we haven't found the one yet that vine. Can you attest about us? Do you? Do you believe?

That's absolutely true. Because what it's ultimately going to boil down to if you get rid of the idea that you need to marry someone that's going to elevate your status. Hey, so Oh, I'm married to a lawyer. Are I impressive? I attracted a lawyer or Oh, look how beautiful my such and such as aren't, aren't. I just, you know, the top 10 Whatever because they got this. It's not about status. It's about the person who aligns with your values and helps you feel alive and It kind of gives you that freedom to say, go out there and take a risk. I got your back. Wow, Kathy, Kathy has done that for me. And if you're connected with a person on a values level that is so much deeper than all this superficial BS, that that stuff doesn't even matter. I'm connected on Facebook with, quote, average women married to guys with severe cerebral palsy. Okay, the physicality is minor in their relationship, because they hear about all the adventures they're taking all the laughing they do together, you know, and I'm, it's like, they're having the life. They're living their life together, enjoying each other's life and presence and company. And if that's what it boils down to for you, don't pick your partner because you want to impress the audience. No, absolutely. Pick pick your partner because they lift you up when I'm out in public with Kathy. Okay, who was looking at me, I hope they're enjoying the show. Yeah. But it's for me and her. That's it.

And I think it's awesome that Kathy knows, like, your conditions that you have, and, you know, she accepts you for who you own. You know, there's, I'm sure there's quite a few people that just don't want even understand. And you know, honestly, I've been kind of

problems I have. The, the MS. And the EDS started really showing up a couple years into our marriage, but all the autism stuff, all the meltdowns, she knew about that. And she signed up for it anyway. And she's still here.

Your second wife, right? Yeah. Right, right. Oh,

my mom, the one I suspect this on a spectrum has checked out. On occasion, she'll text them or she'll have them come over for a weekend and she'll send them away to do something else. She looks at her phone. But Kathy, who didn't give birth to any of them is all in.

Wow, how awesome. How

are very, very blessed to have less found her. And yeah,

and if you don't mind me asking, why did it like their mom checked out with it, she was she just overwhelmed, like racing off of boys, because she mentioned she had autism.

I suspect she's on the spectrum. And she was also raised in a household where feelings were not looked at talked about addressed. So you got three boys on the spectrum that are kind of going in every way. And you're looking for quiet and control. And you got kids that can't give it to you. And you got a husband, who's working 15 hour days at his own therapy practice. He got overloaded and instead of talking about it, she ran.

I see. Wow. But at least you have a wonderful wife now which is it? Yeah.

credibly traumatic at the time. But thank goodness, when you allow yourself the time and do the work to heal things in time get better.

Everything all happens the way it's supposed to for a reason. And, and so I want to ask also so you mentioned while your voice Yes, classic kinds of autism. I guess you don't have those. I mean, you you have a you mentioned you do have meltdowns and stuff as well. But I guess it's just different from your boys. So I'm just trying to understand my

boys have not had meltdowns in a long time. But when they would have meltdowns, was a panic. You know, even when you would tell my little boy, you tell him no. He would turn bright red, he would tense up, he'd scream at the top of his lungs. It was like you just threw his dog in the river or something. Just by not giving him what he wanted. Or if there was a sensory issue. He was very sensitive to sunlight. He'd walk out the front door. He pressed his forearm against his eyes to cover the sun and yell Wow, it's hurting. Wow. He couldn't wear jeans was always stripping his pick his pants off. He still lives in sweats. fabrics are very, very sensitive to him. So he kind of walks around most of the time looking like I just pulled him out of a dumpster. You know, I do my best to try and get him to comb his hair or whatever. But he for the most part seems happy go lucky, extremely naive, which is a concern. You know, his innocence around social relationships is incredibly lacking. You know, it's almost like he's in single digits, emotion. to maturity, even though he's 20. So I encouraged him to take risks. I give him some social coaching. But I also need to keep him kind of close.

So how are you boys?

They're 2420 and 70.

Wow. And so you said, Well, you boys is not emotionally he's not as age. But let's

that's the middle boy, the 20 year old. I see. He's got the speech toys still affects him. So he mispronounces a lot of words. He's very clumsy when he talks. But when he writes, he had think you were talking to some corporate person, very formal, very meticulous, he's able to do in writing what he can't do speaking.

Wow. That's Wow, that's, that's, that's wonderful. It's great. That's, that's

a leading writer and preferring to do that has benefited because the boys are all into writing now to

wow, that's a very unique story. And I want to touch on this. Tyler, I think you've said this to maybe you might know why. And I've heard autism affects boys more than girls. Would you know why? It's

primarily because, yeah, that's primarily because of cultural bias. The fact that research was done on male white males. In United States, white males, boys in particular present with the symptoms, okay, that's what we use. Well, girls don't present like that, because they're not boys. So for the longest time, the only girls being counted were the ones whose symptomology characteristics look more like boys than it wasn't until they realized that girls have a completely unique profile, that they needed to be assessed differently now, and I always thought it's at least 5050. This disparity everybody thinks doesn't exist. It's because we're assessing poorly.

Wow. So So I just, I had to ask was, why was there a bias towards white males or white boys in general, but not well do an equally with girls and boys,

all the time in which it was being done? The fact that American academia is predominantly white male. So there's that cultural arrogance, you know, and that's one of the things that really needs to be looked at, more commonly in the entire mental health field. The fact that it's stigmatized as emotions and women, calling them hysterical, that women are more likely to be diagnosed with bipolar because women are moodier. You know, my doctor, my, my kids psychiatrist, blew off bipolar as a diagnosis for my oldest for like five years when he was in and out of the hospital and crisis. It wasn't until we got him a psychiatrist and finally said, well, then just as bipolar, I'm thinking, really. So we switched doctors. But this doctor again, was very old school very. How do I say it? thought, Well, men are better than women. So bipolar is like a women's thing. You know, it's not in his kind of thinking, no, no, it's probably that likely for the boys. So his bias affected his ability to be an effective clinician. Wow. So it's important to look at what's the history of this book, whose values and agendas are being served by this while the insurance company is one. That coding or building codes. That's how they get paid. Is by labeling people. Okay?

They make more money that way.

And they make more money. If they diagnose you with something they can treat. Suitable, like popping a pill. That's a whole other discussion, my friend, but our mental health system is messed up. It is. Yeah, it does not empower people. No, no, it tells them you're sick. This is the pill. If there's anything else that can be done to help this, you got to figure it out. I'm not giving you any resources. I'm just giving you a pill. That's usually the extent of Western medical care. How many people I can't tell you how many people have come to me. Well, you know, my feeling good. I think I need to adjust my meds. Now you need to adjust your social group. You need to adjust your belief system. The pill is one strategy. It's one tool. It's like a carpenter going to work for justice chisel. No hammer. Oh, I'll just make it work. I got this one tool. No. Need a whole set? A pill is not a problem solver, pill, if anything, brings you out of the stupor or the stratosphere of whatever your mood swing is at the moment. So you can find your way towards the middle ground where you're a lot more resourceful and resilient. That's where you'll learn the rest of the stuff. So, don't think that a medication is supposed to be a one stop shop, it opens the door, it opens the door for you, right? That's what it does,

is I don't understand, like, I don't understand, like, how was it that we treat mental health differently than just physical health? Like let's say someone's diabetic? Well, obviously, someone who's diabetic, or has hypertension won't just take medicine. They have to do the lifestyle. Now to right after exercise, proper diet? Why can't we approach the same strategy to that the physical medicine as we do with mental health? Why can't we make it equal?

In Western society, we live in our heads, right? Everything is about intelligence and being strategic and calculating. And look at our capitalist system. It's all about having one up, you know, being smarter than the other guy. And I remember our past presidential election, one of the big bones of contention was, is this person crazy? Is this person mental competent? This person was stumbling with their words, Are they stupid? Wanted to reach through the screen. And say, you tried to tell me that less than perfect equals incompetent. That's what they were trying to, to say to people

about Joe Biden. Yeah.

The man was he started when he was a kid. And he was bullied for it now, please, the flippin president. And you're saying he should be disqualified because he stumbles his words? Are you kidding me. And unfortunately, there are people in this world that are and so eager for any advantage, they will be petty and point that stuff out. But the stigma around not having absolute control of your mental faculties. That's what it boils down to why mental health is so stigmatized. Because if you don't have complete control over yourself, there's something wrong with you, you're weak. You know, you come from bad stock, or whatever other nonsense they want to throw at you to make it a defect of yours. And one of the things that I'm hoping to do with how I put myself out there, is to de stigmatize it by demonstrating that this is a shared experience amongst human beings.

Yes. Wait go by. And because

it is all of us, I don't care how much status you tried to shake in my face. You are no different than me, my friend. We're both doing our best to figure it out. Let's try and do it together instead of competing with one another.

That is, that's right. Good words. And it doesn't mean we have to agree or disagree politically, and we can still vote for our candidate we like or whatever we like, or whatever. You know,

there's one thing our our government has absolutely lost sight of this is no secret to anyone has the ability to look at somebody who disagree with them say, let's find some common ground and build from there. Oh,

I can't agree with anyone. Yeah, all countries are divided.

And I remember there was a time that when I first started voting, I'm in my 50s. Now, when Congress actually seem to be eager to collaborate. You know, you have that backstabbing and all that nonsense, but you still had a willingness. It's like, okay, let's just put our egos aside, let's just get something done. Often, that was pretty good. It wasn't perfect, because you had to compromise, which typically meant water it down to the point where it looks good, but doesn't really move the needle. Right, that way, we're not gonna solve any political problems today.

Yeah, we're not the way

the way I see it. If anything, I think Congress is doing too much. I think that I think we need to return to federalism and Republicanism need to return to that sort of thing. Yeah,

exactly.

Yeah. That's what that's partly different conversation.

It goes, yeah. So, ya know. So, um, so just to get this straight, autism affecting boys more. It's not the actual truth. It's only a bias, correct.

Right. And keep in mind, statistics can only reflect what you're trying to measure. There may be other variables in there that are affecting the outcome that you are not even aware of. You know, whenever I see Well, if you live by car exhaust when you're pregnant, your child could be autistic. Okay, so how come every kid in Shanghai is an artistic? heresy, the pollution in that city? Oh, yeah, lung cancer right now. Can't this somebody is grasping at straws? It's frustrating because at the end of the day, you need to know what's going to meet my child's needs. Regardless of their challenges, they may meltdown all the time, if they have food sensitivities, I can either focus on how do I get him to stop it? Or how do I figure out what their needs are? So that I can help them meet their needs in a more effective way?

Yes, you got young had to figure out how to stop it. You got to figure out their needs. Because think of it because they're not no typical. They're different. No wonder they're having those anxieties. They use that to cope.

Diagnosis does not take masking into consideration. Because when you're looking at things like autism, ADHD, it's behaviorally assessed. Yes, act like it. If you act like it, well, then you have it. Well, what if you learn to suppress it? Because when you act like it, you get in big trouble. So survival has demanded that you stuck it down. That's not coping. So someone says, Well, you seem like you're managing very well. No, I'm not. I'm hanging on by a thread. I can't wait to go home and strip all my clothes off and turn on the fans and totally decompress.

Right. Also, tell us about your ever conditions. I know Tyler, this will stand out to you because you're you. You do a lot of research with cancer again. How did you handle your testicular cancer? Cancer? How long did you have it? And, Tyler, if you want, you can ask a lot of questions, because I know that your mother had cancer. And you're, you're very fun with that topic. So yeah, both of y'all take it away. Well,

frankly, frankly, I fell apart and sorted my wife, my girlfriend dumped me. A lot of my friends stopped talking to me. Keep in mind, this was 1988. Before internet, all we had was phones on the wall. I couldn't send out a blast email saying hey, everybody, rally the troops. I'm in the hospital getting chemotherapy. So some of it was just circumstantial. Some of it was people simply not wanting to deal with the fact that their peer was fighting for his life. So I had this vacuum with almost zero support. My family highly dysfunctional, all they knew how to do with their emotions was screaming them at each other. Out help, so it was anger out. So I spent a lot of time being mad. There was one time I put my fist through the wall. In my room. I was so mad, I just and it was between two two by fours. And I was like an inch on either side. So I hit the wall perfectly if I was an inch, an inch left or right, what a busted my hand. So that was very, very fortunate. But I was angry. And I was sad and depressed. Because my doctors weren't telling me how I was doing. I would say is the chemo working? Well, you know, we liked the results we're getting. So is it gone? Well, we're confident that this is good. Bla bla bla, but they wouldn't give me a straight answer. I don't know. Am I living my diet? Is it better or worse? What? So I was always on edge. And it was the whole summer it was July through September. And then end of September, I was told I was in remission. And when I got that word, I it was like the future opened up like someone just opened up the drapes and said, Holy crap, I can start thinking about future debt. I can start thinking about having a life. And that's when I started thinking, all right, I'm bitter and terrified and angry. I don't want to feel like this. I want to feel less like a victim and more like I'm in charge of my life. So I immerse myself in studies, philosophy, Buddhism, psychology, self help. I started doing journaling and writing. That's how my first book happened where I talked about just the horrendous time I had going through the treatment and then upon hearing I was in remission, the life I became determined to create for myself and authority 34 years later, here we are.

Why Why did your family ostracize you the way they did? Whenever you would need support you were like, man, do

we need Oprah for this one, my friend unpack all this stuff. My dad's family, his parents were incredibly abusive. They didn't want their kids. They just kept having them. So they were to be quiet. Stay away, don't bug us. My dad was essentially not parented. So when he became a dad, he became a dad because that's what you do. He didn't know what to do. So he worked all the time. When he would intervene was when he was frustrated by then he would only be angry and you'd be afraid he was going to hit you or something else which he never did. My mom in ADHD, very emotionally unregulated. You never know when she used to get mad. She yelled a lot. Or she would hug him mush all over you demanding hugs and kisses. So you never knew whether she loved you or whether you should be afraid. So that was the kind of emotional environment my sibs and I were raised in. And my dad's family, they were pretty much all the same talk to each other. I grew up from cousins that lived within walking distance of the two groups of cousins. I know nothing about these people. I'm connected with them on Facebook, and a little bit about their lives. Do I know who they are as people? Not a clue? Because they refuse that anything to do with each other. And my mom's family will talk about you, but not talk to you a lot of gossips. So that was the family I had when I was going through chemo.

Wow, that's crazy. Because most of the time, whenever you have cancer, family is all around you, supporting you and telling you it's gonna be okay. And you would you're gonna overcome this. Wow. It's like my family, my family, my family. My family was supportive of my mom who overcame cancer three times. Of course, Fred, it spread breast cancer. Of course, she ultimately succumbed to pneumonia and died. But she didn't die from cancer.

It's crazy men do that. And then there's there's something to be said for community healing. That the fact that you borrow the energy and the compassion from other people and let that lift you up, that improves your immune system, as opposed to just trying to figure it all out on your own. No, I got this, I'm tough and it's not going to beat me. Well, you know, go ahead.

I believe that if we simply improve the immune system, tweak it a little bit, and we and we start living even healthier, we could eliminate probably most if not a vast majority of cancers. You know,

I'll tell you, I'm in the process of cleaning up my diet to try and handle the inflammation, right, the body better.

Well, I was doing research and hot chili peppers, which I love like me jalapenos, love, love, love. They actually have a chemical in it called capsulation. Which is a which is a cancer fighting agent within the pepper.

Can we by chance, isolate that so we can forego the peppers? Because I don't know that I could. I don't think I have nearly the force to thank

you when it comes to the pet. Pam. I think you can I think you can take a capsaicin, which wouldn't be rural spicy, but I'm not sure but I actually learned that a lot. A lot of the reason why Asians live beyond 100 years, because they eat spicy all the time. Yeah. Really? I eat a lot of a lot of herbs. A

lot of omegas. Yeah.

That too, but they eat a lot of spicy food. And spicy food is good for you. Yes, believe it or not? It really is.

It opens up the sound.

Oh, it'll open your sinuses. Oh, yeah, for sure.

I think he's curious to read some of your research on that. Tyler. It sounds interesting.

Well, I basically I just find stuff that I read about that particular subject. But yeah, it's just interesting to me. And I actually heard I think, from my grandma, that someone instead of using traditional chemo, to fight to fight cancer, they used peppers, and other agents, natural agents. You know,

cancer, if I was a cancer cell, and you threw a hot pepper at me, I'd scrambled to.

Yeah, but like I said, there could be supplements you could take, instead of the hot chili pepper. Well, those who can't handle

people were around for millennia, before pharmaceuticals were invented. Oh, yeah. How to hang around? Of course they didn't. So I'm definitely with you. There's a lot of wisdom that we owe, to tap into that's in nature. Oh,

and not only that, our health, our health, also, our emotional health also plays a role as well. If you're always depressed and gloomy and stuff, well, you're not going to fight the disease as well as say, if you're charity, but that doesn't mean you always have to be cheery, don't misunderstand me. I mean, obviously for grief.

This is a very I'm glad you said that. Tyler because this is an important distinction. Yes. It's not about being cheery all the time. It's about being empowered all the time. Yeah, exactly. Empowered boils down to your capacity to take action to move the needle. So you can be depressed because you're exhausted emotionally given everything you have. Physically. You feel you can't go any further. Exactly, but then there's the part of you that says just a little bit more. It's one More shot, because your purpose hasn't been defeated yet. You still haven't got a tune to take it. Yeah. Because you are aware of that. And focused on where do I have influence? Where's my power? I can take action to do something different here. As long as you're focused on that, hope does not die.

Amen.

Exactly. And you know what? You know what? You know, I mean, I'm a very, I'm a Christian. I believe that hope does. True hope does not disappoint. We don't say As Christians, we hope. So. We say we have hope. Because our hope is found in Christ. That's what I believe. You know, of course, I don't know what you are. But that's just what I believe.

And what matters. What matters, Tyler is what you believe and how you show up because of it.

Yeah, the important thing is be bold about what you believe. Even if there's opposition, and you're gonna have it. And that's okay.

You and I can meet together and both agree these people need to be helped. And we don't have to be on the same page theologically, in order to accomplish that as a team. No, we don't. No, not at all. We just align our core values and we take action. Yes,

we don't even have to nest, we don't even have to necessarily agree on exactly the same techniques that can be used to help with that. As long as we both agree that we want to improve lives, we don't want just a bunch of, you know, jargon about oh, this and this, and you got to take this got to do this. No, we don't have to do that. Always. And sometimes you don't even need medicine to improve your mental health. No, at times you don't

owe so much. So much of what affects our mental health is how we have positioned ourselves in relationship to life. Right? you position yourself as a recipient, life happens to me, life happens for me, I can't make anything happen. That's your position, you're gonna be miserable. Your your position is, I am a drop in the ocean. As I move, so does the ocean, but the ocean also affects me. It's reciprocal. As opposed. In other words, I'm here to make a big splash. Everybody get out of my way? No, that's not how it works.

You know, you're basically saying here, you're basically saying here, look, be realistic, but make it make your life happen. You can do something. Exactly. And I feel that

the action you take could be simply to pause and breathe.

Exactly. That's I feel that me and Sailor have been called to this mission to inspire other people. And what we do, right here,

these are such important conversations, I'm thrilled.

Exactly. And as we want to inspire others,

and that's why I'm here on this retreat, to do lots of recording and get our plan more developed. And we're gonna get, we're gonna get there just like you have, we will demos. And so I want to touch on a few more things. I know. Of course, Brian, you're limited on time. So you've written six books.

I'm writing my six currently.

What's your latest book?

It's going to be a memoir of all of my, my most current strategies, of the beliefs I have, the strategies I used, and how I stay empowered, even though all this stuff is happening.

Tyler, basically that book, do you want to tell us tell blank, we can work on?

Well, me and Saylor are actually planning on writing a memoir while we're writing one. It's been a long time since we've worked on Yeah, but it's about our lives. It's about, you know, what we've overcome. And I put a lot in there about how my mom has helped me in so many ways. I mean, she fought for me from the time I was born to the time she died. Well, actually, in a way well, she fought for me, but from the time I was born to know throughout my childhood, but even beyond that, even as an adult, she still fought for me in an indirect way because she fought for her life she fought for she fought against cancer. He might against her

is fear, he might will persevere perseverance for you. Regardless of the outcome, there's a lot of wisdom and modeling that can be done for just how someone handles the process.

Exactly. You know, when I was a kid, the school didn't know how to teach me the public school system that at first, but she and I went to Austin twice through legislation, Texas, so that people can meet their disability

are my hero man. Yeah. that's that's how you become the change

is when exactly

we make it and you can yell at the teachers all day long. But they don't make the Do

Not even the school board makes a decision. Always. Sometimes they do. Sometimes they don't sometimes they just don't know what to do. So you gotta educate them on it.

Way ahead, man,

you feel your mind? You're

no surprise? Oh, yeah, I haven't competent, really great about what you guys are doing is this and it was pretty good. It's a favorite of mine, one of the big distinctions between how the character Maverick flies if he's very intuitive. And how he decides what he's going to do. And the Navy wants them to say, this is the strategy you use. If the enemy flies this way, you fly that way. And he's like, Screw all that. This is how you do it. So very different approaches. But ultimately, you get the job. Exactly. And when you're telling your stories, you're saying, this is another way. Here's another path, I make different choices at different experiences. I was supported. Like, in your case, Tyler, I had a much better relationship with my mom. And I got the result. But Brian over here, it was kind of hot and cold. And he got the result. So So you can't say, because of my life I can't

write. So if you do that, all these stories, yeah, if you do that, if you say you can't, well, guess what? You're you're limiting yourself. And you're not going to do it. Because you won't

you have decided certain options are not available to you.

And you know, that doesn't mean that doesn't mean that you can just do anything. Obviously, you got to be realistic. Yes, you do. But at the same time, you can't just limit yourself and say, hey, oh, I can't do this. So therefore I won't

Yeah, I can't do it yet. Right. That often means well, I don't have the resources or the relationships I need. But I am clear now on what kind I need. So I will start hunting and putting these things in place.

Exactly. That's the key.

That's the key. So um, so you have a so you mentioned Yeah, a couple of other conditions. What other stuff did you have?

I have Ehlers Danlos Syndrome, which is genetically inherited connective tissue disorder. So all the stuff that holds my organs in place and keeps them from moving around. That stuck is slack. I've had three hernias repaired. I have a fourth hernia, and they just tear it just don't have to exercise. And the fourth one they don't want to operate on because they're afraid it's just going to tear because scarring, you know, incisions on me they don't heal well. So some of the hernias were caused by previous surgeries, where they sewed it up and it popped open. So there's that and my kneecaps bones in my feet, my saddle joints here. My in my neck is very loose, so I have joints to get stuck. joints that partially come out of place need to be put back in. So my body's in constant pain. 24/7 Wow. It's either muscle cramps, muscle spasms, joint pain, nerve pain, shooting down my arm shutting down my legs. So it's resting taking medication to try and manage all that pain. Then there's the multiple sclerosis. It causes brain fog, increased forgetfulness on top of the ADHD. It has affected my bladder. So I I'm like an 80 year old man, you know, in that respect, because the nerves are being compromised, they're not really doing their job. So I'm on medications for that and all kinds of fun stuff. It's it's getting closer to me being unable to walk at all. Wow. Because my weight legs are so weak. And I'm so clumsy that I'm at a big fall risk. Hard to get up and down the stairs. Hard to get up in the morning. It's exhausting just to hold my body up. I was gonna say a few minutes ago. Hey, guys, I need to go lay down. You know, can we do any final words because I'm really starting to feel holding my body up. It's like if you put a big sack of rice over my shoulders and said, Hold on to this for a while. I hear ya heels like that to try and hold my body up. So I'm at a point where I need to go lay down.

Well, yeah, well, in that respect, I guess we can come to some final words because you've held up for a while but um, so yeah, it's all so a title if you don't have any more questions for Brian. I guess we can do final words but to be clear Your son's were diagnosed with autism first, or will you? Will you diagnosed after them? But how did it go down?

After it was, it was when my oldest, he started school and he went into crisis. And his teacher spotted what she thought was going on. So I had him assessed. And after beginning to research and reading up on what Asperger's was, all the box started being ticked for me. And then I went off and got my own assessment. And that's how I learned.

And so you always had it like it was just missed.

Yeah, because back in the day, they thought autism was this thing you would never see in the course of your life, because it was so rare. And now we practically grow on trees.

Right? Yeah, cuz there again, it's a spectrum. You know, that,

that, and you have this one individual on the spectrum? Who doesn't know they're on the spectrum? They go and have kids, multiple kids. Now you wonder why the numbers are going up? Because those kids are making multiples of themselves. That's why the numbers are going up.

So I guess can autism be genetic? Since your kids have it?

Empirically, considering that you see one parent has an in multiple kids have it through observation is genetic. Have they found a smoking gun yet? No. I see if they continue to look, they are getting closer to understanding how autism affects the brain and just how globally it impacts things. But why that happens? They don't know yet.

Wow. Wow. So I'm, yeah, well, thanks for clarifying. Well, I know I know. I know you're getting tired which I understand that. All I get all our guests we asked if there's anybody out there who's struggling like now, what message do you want to give to him? Go ahead, Mr. King, take it away.

Tell your story to one other person. Take the risk of experiencing the fact that you are not alone. Because hope begins when you realize that you are not isolated, that you have resources available to you that the universe is conspiring to your success. But you've got to tell your story. So you realize it's not just you.

Well said, Well, Brian King, thanks so much for being on help without sight. Thanks so much.

It's been a sincere pleasure, gentlemen. You bet.

Absolutely. We were happy to have you