Transforming Tragedy: Elaine Lindsay on Suicide, Survival, and Embracing Life | EP089

Hello, everyone. My name is Shannan Monder. I am your host, and welcome to my podcast Fulfillment in Faith. Today, my guest is Elaine Lindsay. Welcome, Elaine, how are you?

Thank you so much. I'm great. It's lovely to see you.

Well, I am very excited for the listeners to hear your story because they are going to learn so many things from your experience. So what we're going to do is we're going to kick it off right now, Elaine, so if you want to tell everybody where you're from a little bit about yourself, and then right from there, if you can go into your story, please.

Absolutely. So I'm Elaine Lindsay. I began in Scotland, and moved to Canada when I was very young. I will say under protest. My parents, my grandmother, my aunt and I all came to Canada. And it was wonderful to have extended family, but my heart will forever be in it. We're. So I grew up with what now I know it's called suicidal ideation. underneath everything in my life, even as a child, the option on the table was always or I could just exit. I didn't understand a lot about it. And when I was 16, a very dear friend, Andrea took her life that put me into such a tailspin. Because I was trying to process everything that I had known since I was little about that option. And it didn't make sense. And I had no answers. And it drove me way over the edge. For four years, I wrestled with this and really was not myself. I kind of went back to being about 12 years old, and basically stayed there, didn't mature, didn't grow up, didn't do any of the things one does, while doing all the things one does. I was married very early. And like I said four years later, at 230 in the morning, on a very cold highway on March 20. In front of Andrea's grave, I was crushed between three cars. A guy came around the curb and the highway he wouldn't have seen my car nor the police car that was supposed to be giving me a boost. The policeman jumped into the snowbank and saved himself. And now No, that's a visceral, real visceral reaction that our limbic brain takes to in order to help us survive. At the time, I just knew I was on the highway and when the cars separated, my the engine of my Mustang took part of my left leg from down the calf all the way up my thigh. I broke my legs in multiple places. I fractured my skull, and I firmly believe was Andrea and put the hood up on my fur coat that made sure my head didn't split like a melon. I was in hospital for months, started having all kinds of surgeries plastic surgery to close or at least minimize the hole in my leg. I ended up losing both my kneecaps, all the cartilage in both of my legs. I was seven months pregnant and they took the baby. I had a number of internal injuries. So the next five years were spent in and out of surgery in and out of hospital and in and out of being a nice person. When you are in pain 24/7 It can well make you frazzled. I now understand that pain does change us it completely changes the person we are, the longer you're in pain, the worse it gets. I ended up ending my marriage. I had a two year old at home at this time, and things went on. Now. I'm not saying everything was bad because it certainly wasn't I we married and in 1982 I had a little boy. And that went very well for me. However, I had a fixation with my weight. After the accident. I started putting on weight because I couldn't do all the things I'd done before. I didn't skate anymore. I didn't ski I didn't ride horses. I couldn't even ride a bike. All of those things were now outside the realm of possibility for me. putting on weight just made me hate myself more. And the more I hated on me, the more I fixed Add on doing something to fix this, I thought I'd tried everything. And then I heard about a surgery, a stomach stapling surgery that was very new. And I thought that was my answer, and went against my entire family. In order to have this surgery. It was experimental, it had only been in happening for a year. And the doctor who was doing it in our city, unbeknownst to us, was already being investigated. Because there had been two deaths. The entire group of people that he worked on, including me, was the number 37. I went into the hospital in September, beginning of September 1983. Overnight, the next morning, I was to go to surgery. And I was told I would have a tube in my side for three weeks. That's what I would feed through. Nothing could go by mouth because they wouldn't be working in the stomach. And they wanted that to be able to heal, which made perfect sense to me. I had jumped through all the hoops I'd seen the psychologist I'd gone for all the testing, it was a perfect candidate, I plan to do exactly what I was told in order for this to work, I was absolutely ready. In fact, they'd lost over 20 pounds in preparation for the surgery. We're never actually going to know what happened in that surgery. And we didn't find out anything for 12 years. But there are a number of or reports. And what we can best a mop with is the machine that they use to cut the holes in the stomach was held improperly. And instead of two matching circles. One of them was perhaps an oval, but it caused a gastric leak. The doctor tried to cover it up, and so told us nothing. One week later, with a terrible pain in my left shoulder blade. I was sent home. I went home with nothing for pain because I think it was my penance for the family who didn't want me to do this. I only stayed home for 17 hours. My husband had to call the emergency at the hospital because well most people didn't know what to do about this surgery or what to do after it. When we went to the emergency, the doctor ended up giving me a shot and writing my husband a prescription because in order to take something for pain, it had to be putting my side through that tube, the tube that I was supposed to have for three weeks. Just before I was heading home after having the shot and feeling slightly better. My husband saw the resident from my surgery walkthrough emergency. And he said he saw the resident see me and the look on his face terrified my husband. He didn't know what was wrong, but he knew something definitely was. The next thing we knew we were being told that I had to stay and they were calling in doctors and the head of the the X ray department and sending me for all these tests. And before I knew it the very next morning at 7am. I was taken back into surgery. Again, we don't know what actually happened in the surgery. I just know he didn't fix it. You see the gastric leak was basically encased like a pouch. And that meant that it was percolating every day that I had that. Three days after the second surgery. I developed an abscess on my left lung. They had to put in a chest tube. Three days later. They took me early early in the morning, down for a special gastro gap Graf and swallow. Getting me into that X ray room was a bit of a challenge because I had I was done with all this. I just wanted to go home. And when they were done, they told me that I needed more surgery. I'm afraid I said no thank you. I'm done. No more. And they said No. That can't be it has to happen. They ended up sending the head of X ray to my Bernie who said Elaine, I'm being honest with you. You will be dead before supper. You have to have this. They call my husband and had him sign for the surgery. It was September 28 My daughter's birthday. My parents took my daughter well my husband walked the hallways of the hospital. I was in surgery for hours and hours. The best we can come up with later is that my heart stopped on the table. The doctor I believe, was intent on saving his own skin. And so he took apart the entire stomach stapling

the other residents and people in the surgery got my heart going again, which I guess didn't thrill him. But that meant he had to fix what he'd now undone. And as he tried, they realized that all the tissue was friable, which means you can't put it back together. So they had to start packing me. I stopped breathing. And in trying to get me back, I ended up with a couple of broken ribs. And the doctor called in another surgeon, he thought, I guess the only way to let the stomach heal was to make sure absolutely nothing got there. So he took this surgeon and had him divert my esophagus out my neck. I woke up in ICU with a hole in my neck. A whole bunch of tubes coming out of me everywhere drains and tubes that went to bags and things that looked like hang grenades. And actually I had one tube on my right side I don't know really where he went. But you will hung around for a long time. I had him for more than seven months. But I called him Hugo is Hugo where I go. He was my buddy. And the one on my neck was just a little tiny hole was like me and my finger. But saliva seems to be like battery acid, and it was eating my skin. And all the skin on my neck was blistered and red and painful. Now after the 11 days in ICU when they took me up to the ward, a few of the nurses were really touched by the pain that I was living in and decided they would bring me a popsicle. And they got all the towels from the whole Ward after guests would leave. When you had visitors that night, when eight o'clock were rolled around and everybody left, I would get all the towels from the whole Ward, and we'd stuffed them around my neck so that I can have a popsicle. That only worked for a week or so. And it was making the blisters and everything worse. And one of the nurses realize that if she talked to the stoma therapist, that's somebody who helps people with colostomy bags when you use or lose part of your intestines. So they brought her in and she came and taught me how to use colostomy bag and wear it on my neck. That way the saliva sorry, would collect in the bag and stop wrecking my skin. I was still open and being packed every day, because things were still not back together. That went on for a couple of months. Having the bag meant I could still have my popsicles. But our bodies are funny thing. They do try to heal themselves. And a few weeks later, I got busted. Because Hugo showed some weird colored stuff. The doctor was not amused. I said to him You tried not having anything by mouth for months and months. We didn't think that was fun either. I don't think he thought much of me at the time. I ended up going home for Christmas with my colostomy bags. And in January, I got to meet the surgeon who cut the hole in my neck. He decided that it would be a little chancy to do it now. So we didn't close it until I think it was the end of March. Unfortunately, closing something like that over time because it's not a normal procedure cause a bunch of scar tissue to be put here. So I have a little pouch, a hoop like a crane sometimes because water tends to get stuck along with other things. Very elegant, not easy things you just kind of put up with over time if you get to live, which is exactly what I wanted to do. There were many times where I didn't I'll tell you though, I had to have many more surgeries after that. And it seemed I would just be getting a little better. And something else would happen. We didn't learn until 1990 For in court, that he had undone the stomach stapling three weeks after he put it together. I didn't have a stable stomach. I had scar tissue everywhere. And what that caused over time was malnutrition, Mal absorption. It caused me to develop osteoporosis. Found that out when I fell getting out of the car, and instead of having a bruise, I shattered the humerus and my right arm completely bent five months wearing a prosthetic, to keep things together before they put in the titanium humerus humerus rod. I'm now bionic, I also have a half joint. That's titanium. Yeah, you end up having to go back for I guess tweaks is like a very old car. Things tend to fall apart and change. Over the years, I ended up with diabetes. I'm now insulin dependent. Osteoporosis, I have cirrhosis. I had hepatitis C, which they managed to eradicate by 2016. And the latest, I now have chronic pancreatitis. All of these things came from this original weight loss surgery.

Can I ask you something you'll absolutely.

Mmm.

Did the doctor at any point in time come clean to you and say what really took place? That's

such a good? That is such a good question. No, in fact, what he did when he got me back in the hospital, he kept saying, Oh, I know you ate or drank something. I just know you did. That's why we're having this problem. He kept trying to turn it around. And it wasn't until a few years ago that I realized the term is gaslighting. Yeah. He was trying to make me take onus for what he done. Because he was about to lose his job. And unfortunately, I've said since the get go, had he just told us what happened. I mean, we all make mistakes. Yeah, if he had fessed up when it happened. For one, I wouldn't have left the hospital because I would have talked about the pain in my shoulder blade, they would have known right away that there was a leak. I ended up with peritonitis and sepsis. And they had to put in a chest tube at one point. And because I had an abscess on my left lung, all of these things stem from the fact that he tried to cover the Assad. Do you?

Do you also think to Elaine, when you had mentioned earlier in your story where he had to bring that second surgeon in? Yeah. Do you really feel that the doctor was really hoping that you would have passed away?

Well, in all honesty, knowing him and and sitting in court for three months, with this person who was so self involved, he stole the X ray that showed the gastric leak, and the hospital couldn't produce it for 12 years. He brought it to court. It's in the transcript. Like you can't make this stuff up right? Later on. Okay, just to give you an idea of where this man's mind was, he was arrested for road rage. Because he hit someone and and shook him and dropped his monogrammed laser pointer in the man's car. And that kind of self involvement seemed to be an all he did. Within a year, when I was still unable to eat. I had the tube in my side for over 13 months. Wow. And those things fall out. When they fall out. You have to go back to emergency so they can cut you again and put a new one in. They've done that over and over again. And in fact, it's we're going on three years now. I have I call him Fred. On my left side. He comes out and he looks like a football. It is a hernia that is in the area of the small bowel that was consistently cut for that J tube. So

how many years total? Have you been dealing with all of this?

Since 1983? Wow.

Unbelievable. Part

of why it's really important for me Get this part of the story out, is I had this within a year of it becoming a surgery. They didn't know what all the complications were. The complications I had weren't even on those lists, because he made a mistake. And they were complications from the mistake. The older surgeon who did take my esophagus and diverted out my neck. That's not something they normally do. I, I haven't heard of another person that's worn a colostomy bag on their neck. Because quite frankly, okay, they will used to be clear plastic, and they had a big clip at the bottom. That is an absolute bitch to accessorize. It doesn't go with anything. And yes, I know I have a very bent sense of humor. But you have to find some humor in what's happening. So you don't totally lose your mind. Oh, for sure.

For sure. Yeah, oh, my

goodness. The other thing about this that I think is critically important for people to understand bariatric surgery, which didn't even have we didn't have that term when I had my surgery. There are these complications. And the VBG, which is what I had was stopped very shortly thereafter, because of the high rate of complications. And the many times they had to redo it or change it to a different type. So they just stopped doing it. And that's understandable. Here we are now ozempic. And we go B and B semaglutide. came out in 2017. They only have the tip of the iceberg in the possible complication. And you know, pancreatitis is one of them. I also have cirrhosis. liver issues is also part of it. For the people that are taking these drugs. And they say, you take them you have to keep taping taking them forever. I think people need to be warned that there is much more than you ever think of it terms of the complications that people see for surgeries, and for drugs. And if you listen to any of the drug ads on television, they tell you in the ads, I don't know how anyone takes any of them because the risk and the complications that are possible, are so far reaching. But none of us everything. Oh, that's not going to happen to me. Well, guess what? Not only did they happen to me, I got them all. And then some,

you know what I think the biggest thing is, is when you do see a drug ad on TV. Like there is a list that goes on and on. And on and on. And that's every drug and then it could result in death in death. Yes. So what usually happens, so that's become normalized for us now. So it's just like, okay, yeah, it's just the same thing over and over. It doesn't matter what drug it is. You hear it over and over and over. And then the very last thing and could result in death? I don't know. It's almost become like, it's almost like a joke. Do you know what? Yeah. And yeah, so I think that's why people don't take any of this stuff seriously anymore. Because every advertisement is like that.

You're absolutely right. And I'm working on a TED talk at the moment.

Her. Oh, wonderful. You'll

have to let us know sanity and vanity. Yeah. Because that's really what it amounts to. Right. You know, we're so focused on the external. Yes, we are. It's dangerous. And I almost left my children with no mother. You know, through through my vanity. So wanted to

be thin by you saying that then Elaine, you know your vanity. What do you really feel you learn the most throughout this whole journey, then.

I learned that focusing internally and living in the moment. Enjoying every little thing you can is absolutely critical. But not only that, happiness, joy, all of that. It's a choice. Oh, yeah, it's a choice. I was what I considered a functional junk. he, after all the surgeries we're talking in the 50s. Now, something like that. After all that I was on so many narcotics. Okay, a whole football team, I don't think could have taken as much drugs as I was taking. And late in 2019, I decided that you know what I'm just done. I'm just done with this. I have had my shoulder rebuilt, I have no kneecaps, no cartilage, I have a half a titanium joint on my left leg, the one that's missing a big piece. And I have the titanium cameras, I have nails and screws all through me. And the fact is, okay, that's opportunity to keep going and to do good things to enjoy your life, because that's what we're here for. We're here to enjoy life. So I started cutting back on the narcotics, I wanted to get to nothing. Fortunately, I didn't get the pain to nappy. Great. So I am at one long acting 15 milligram morphine that I take every evening. All right.

So my next question would be for you, Elaine, somebody that is thinking about taking a surgery like this, or, you know, is thinking of going on, oh, seven packs, or any of that, you know, that's going or experiencing any of those. But because seriously, we all have that aspect of our vanity. Oh, yeah. That's us as humans, but of course, more more than others. Right? So what would you say to somebody that's really thinking that they will go through with a really abrasive surgery or anything like that? What, what what advice would you give them? Or? Or what advice would you give somebody that is looking at themselves in such a negative low vibration of who they are? Because all of us have that? That they absolutely, like I said more and more than those more than others, I want you to speak to the individuals that are really, really struggling, if you

are so focused on how you look, one of the things that it's sad, but I understand why we do it. Okay. Is when you are overweight, if you're obese if you are, you know, in that even in the chubby person scenario, you have this very deep conceit that everybody's watching everything you do. And I'm here to tell you now, no, they're not. However, I have to say this. When we look for confirmation, the universe will give it to us, okay, whether that's good or bad, or whatever. So, after my son was born, when he was a few months old, our whole family had gone out for Sunday brunch. And I was in the bathroom. At this lovely restaurant, a woman came out of a stall, and she looked at me in the mirror. And she said, Oh my God, you're so beautiful. Why are you fat? And that, for me was confirmation. That's why I had the surgery. Now, I'm not putting it off on her. I'm not saying it's her fault. I'm saying I had looked for confirmation. And the universe presented me with that. So I went ahead and did what I was going to do. A whole family was against this. And they didn't even know that there was something wrong with this particular doctor. Nobody knew those things. But the fact is, I've come to understand over time, that we have to learn to love ourselves, like ourselves, and I'm going to be really honest here. Not fully at the love of me yet. I am a wealth of scars. I have told people for years. My whole body looks like a map of the back roads of Idaho. I've never been to Idaho. I don't know why I came up with that state for that. That's just how it works in my head when you're focused on your outer looks. That's how it works and fighting that begins with starting every day going to the mirror saying, You know what? I like you. You gotta get to I love you. And it can take a long, long time. Yeah, you can also list Yeah, list the things that you do well, okay, if you're great in the sport if you're a super mathlete, if you're really smart, focus on those things, too. But you have to tell you how you feel. And I partnered with a soul coach in 2019. I done all kinds of alternate therapies, I have a spiritual mentor I've been working with since 2004. And starting in 2020, I dropped almost 80 pounds. Now, I will say, I lost my sister, just before my birthday two years ago, she's younger than me. And you kind of threw me off my game for a bit. So I put a few pounds back, I know that I will get rid of them. Because I am committed to living the best life I can. And you know what, it's not easy. And it doesn't work every day. But every day is a gift. I'm grateful for everything. From every breath I take to every every animal, it retiled every person, my biggest aim in life now is take to say hello to everybody. I pass on this entire planet wherever I am. And just being eternally grateful for this opportunity. I know I'm a super slow learner. And it took being hit by another car in 1997. In a parking lot while on the ground. I had of course, put the weight back after the surgery was undone but didn't know that. I had only learned two years before that has been undone. So I wasn't happy. And when this man backed up with me on his car, and I slid to the ground. The ambulance people, the paramedics were trying to get me on the gurney and I was fighting them because I was worried about how I would strain them because I was overweight. And getting in that ambulance was the aha moment for me. It was oh my god, what the hell is wrong with you? You are making this about something that external what is wrong here? I thought there's got to be more to life than all this crap. And at that moment, my hand went ja. While yes, guess what? You're the common denominator.

Okay, yeah. Oh, my

God. I am. And that's when I started reading. I got the Four Agreements, the ninth insight, every book I can get my hands on, I watched Oprah. I talked to all kinds of people. And that's when I started looking for a spiritual mentor and learning about meditation and visualization. And I can honestly say, people ask what's the best thing that ever happened? Well, it's the universe hitting me with that last car. Man being crazy was was the best thing that could have happened. Yeah.

See, and what I like about your story, and anybody that who has come into the awakening to awareness is they look at their past. And they actually embrace it. And they know that all Yeah, happened for a reason. So that's, that's what I love about this. And that's the biggest point that you know, people that are listening to my stories, you know, with all my guests on my podcast is that they learn to actually look at their past and embrace it, and get get rid of the being a victim and all of them I got Yeah, that's the worst thing you can do and blaming. And once you take responsibility for your life, that's where you gain your power and you go forward. So I want to thank you so much for sharing your story. But final question, Elaine, where are you now in life? Tell us what's what's going on?

What's going on? Okay, well, I am 68 years old. I will be 69 later this year. If you look, I am. I absolutely love life, and I am having the greatest time one giving back. My friend Andrea. I started a podcast called suicides in forgiveness. And I have guests who come and share their story are a somewhat like this, because I know that sharing your story can lighten your burden, and offer hope to somebody else, which is exactly what I want to do. That's me giving back. Because in a really weird way, Andrea gave me the best worst gift you could ever give someone. She taught me what it was to be left behind. So that I would not do that. Right who's around me. And, and that's been absolutely the greatest gift. I still do work I do work on in the digital realm. Because it's all I could do for so many decades. Being in bed. The internet for me was a saving grace. I started with books, and then got the internet and the whole world open to me, which was wonderful. I don't walk really well. But it's okay. Because now it's part of who I am. And I embrace that. That's a huge difference. Because someone asked me just a couple of years ago, oh my god, what would you change in your life? So you didn't have all of that? I said, not one damn thing. Because if I did, I would not have the empathy that I have. Now, I wouldn't be this person who understands, you know, what I put myself through what I did, how I bore the label of victim like a shield, and how that's not important. And that's not this me. Yeah. And if I can give that to somebody else, to help them put down the victim sign, then that too, is another wonderful when

what are the biggest things I really have come to the awareness for myself is, you know, things don't happen to me. I actually don't look at things as happening to me, they're happening for him or me, for me. And but there are days where I'll wake up and you know, something's going on in my life. And we don't realize that everything we create in our life, we created whatever, yeah, on the inside. And that's the biggest thing that people need to understand. Because you are in control of your life in every aspect. Whatever comes into it, whether you like it or not all started with a thought. Yeah. So there are times where I do feel like I am a victim. And then it's like, hold back, Shannan. Stop it because you created this somehow, some way due to a vibration or whatever, it's you brought this into your life. And once you once I recognize that it's like okay, yes, I can sit with it. I can go with my feelings, and then I have the power to change it.

Can I say two things to that? Because as I think this is super important. Yes, it is. Yes. Understand. Okay. We have to be careful with our languaging Absolutely, no, I said, the universe confirm what I was looking for. And it wasn't a good thing. But the universe doesn't choose what we look for what we decide on that note the word but unless you're talking about your derriere, please leave it out of your sentences. The moment you say the word but you have erased everything that came before that. So if you're giving someone a compliment, and you say, Oh, I really love that sweater. But ah, it would be better for you in this color. You just negated everything you said ahead of that. And you are putting someone down. And that works with yourself as well. And the other one is the word need. People don't realize but the word need is a perpetual state. If you put it out to the universe that oh I need to be thinner I need money I need I need that is a perpetual state and you will stay right

there can you to need or whatever I'm again because you're

asking to me you're not asking it just say that the universe. I think some more money would be awesome. I think I need to lose. Look. There we go. I don't want to use that word. I am going to drop a few pounds. Yeah.

Now that right? Yeah, I use I am so happy and grateful now that and yes, you might say

it's so good. It's so good. But making sure that you are aware of your languaging and things like need. And but I'm right out of whatever you're saying, because you don't want to put yourself in that perpetual state. Exactly,

exactly. Oh, Elaine, this was such a wonderful interview. And I am so grateful that you are on my podcast. But I do want to let the audience members know that all of Elaine's information are going to be in the podcast notes. So yeah, so I want you to listen to her podcast, I want you to check out the notes. So at this time, Elaine, I want to say thank you so much for being on my podcast. So thank you. Well,

thank you for having me. And I really do appreciate that. If we can get the message to one person.

Yes, yes. Isn't that the goal? Just one person. That's why I wrote my book. How in the hell did I get here forever changing the genetic blueprint was, I wasn't even thinking about me when I was writing my story. Or like, all my like I tunnel vision. It was just, I just want to help one person. That's all I want one per and now I look at the ripple effect of what I've created. From this from that one person. Now I'm helping 1000s of people and it's the most wonderful feeling.

Truly, I'm in the middle of I'm in the middle of the book. It hopefully will be out by next year. And it took a while to get past the victim and the other bits because I thought Why would anyone want to hear my story? There's lots of don't do that to yourself. Yeah. Somebody needs to hear what you have to say.

Absolutely. Yeah. Well, thank

you so much.

Thank you.

Thank you and to your audience, I say make the very best of your today. Every day.