Boundaries out of love [24]

[00:00:00.250]

This week is the most difficult week for me personally. But through the tough times, we can learn the lessons that help along our journey. I want to share these with you in the hopes that you will find comfort, solace, or even understand that you are never alone along your journey, no matter how rocky it can get. Today's episode is about setting boundaries out of love. That's up next.

[00:00:50.530]

Hey you, pull up a seat. Welcome back to From Surviving to Thriving for Parents. This is Episode 24. I am Raymond Bourcier, and if you are a parent, or soon to be parent who wants to give their kids the best start in life that you can give them, then you're in the right place. This show is about you because we're about transformation and taking unwavering action so that you can be the parent that you always needed, and be the parent that they need you to be.

[00:01:22.930]

And sometimes, that unwavering action can be painful. So I want to let you know ahead of time that this won't be a standard episode of the show, so I want to apologize in advance. This is likely to be the rawest you will ever hear me, but I still believe that you will get a lot of value out of this episode because this is a painful topic that needs to be discussed. This episode is dropping on April 25, which is my mother's 63rd birthday. Shortly before this time last year, I was finally reconnecting with her after having to make some really tough decisions in my life, which I will dive into later.

[00:02:09.680]

But the reconnection was short and bittersweet as four days after her 62nd birthday, she passed away unexpectedly. The shock of her passing hurt. It hurt a lot. It hurt more than any words that have ever been thrown at me in my entire life ever could. And it still hurts.

[00:02:36.490]

And what followed her passing was hell. When things get tough, I learned through my healing to harness my focus on the four things that we have control over. Our thoughts, our actions, our reactions, and our inactions. Tough times don't last, but tough people do. All things shall pass. But it doesn't make it any easier, especially when you're prevented from being able to grieve properly. Instead of focusing on the pain, however, and the things that don't serve. I focus on the lessons that can be learned, and I want to share with you the lessons that I learned through her life and in the hell that was the aftermath of her passing.

[00:03:30.370]

As a person, sometimes you have to make decisions that hurt you profoundly, but know that they have to be done. This gets amplified when you're a parent. My mother was the closest friend that I ever had. She had a heart of gold. She was one of the hardest workers you would ever meet.

[00:03:53.710]

She could be the kindest person in the world who would bend over backwards for you. Like me, my mother struggled through mental health issues and severe trauma for much of her life. She was the strongest person I knew, but even the strongest have struggles. Like me, she struggled through a very painful and abusive childhood, and life in different ways. Her struggles would directly impact me throughout my life. At an early age, she relied on me for support and strength because she couldn't get it from my father, who was going through and dealing with his own struggles.

[00:04:36.010]

And because of this, I was forced to take on the responsibility of doing everything I could to help keep my mother healthy and out of the hospital. And feel the guilt when what I could provide her wasn't enough to accomplish this. As a kid, I can't even describe how traumatic this was for me. It's something that no kid should ever have to endure. My struggles with our family situation, abuse at school and living life in fear, abuse, anxiety and depression were never to be addressed because my parents had their own sea of garbage that they were struggling with. And this is why I'm so passionate about helping parents become the parents they always needed and the parents that their kids need them to be. To be able to heal through their struggles of self and their sea of garbage so that they can give their best to themselves, their kids and their dreams. For the longest time, I was a victim.

[00:05:41.830]

It was all I had ever known. It was who I was. The night that the SWAT team busted down my apartment door (the wrong apartment door) that was the catalyst for change in my life. To no longer accept being a victim. I started to go through my healing journey and would look back on the twenty-plus years prior, and I started to piece together my journey and connect the dots. When I started to sift through all the pain and look for the lessons, she was one of the main reasons I sit with you here today both positively and negatively.

[00:06:26.110]

My mother is my biggest hero, but every hero has their faults. No one in this world is without fault. The biggest and most painful lesson that I want to share with you that I learned through my journey with her, is boundaries and the importance of establishing boundaries out of love. Boundaries were always hard for me to establish in my own life because of my upbringing. However, it was clear that my mother couldn't respect boundaries at an early age.

[00:07:02.710]

Her struggles with boundaries burned many bridges in her life and that impacted my life. She was the cause of the first PTSD moment in my life at five years old that I can still see and hear as if it were yesterday. She was the reason for my break up with my first girlfriend at age 16. She was the cause of me exiling my father from my life for nearly 15 years, and those were just the big things. But I loved her.

[00:07:35.060]

I still love her, and I will always love her. She was my mother, the one person who I felt genuinely cared for me despite her constant ignoring my personal boundaries because of what we wouldn't find out until late in her life that she struggled with BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder.) And looking back through reflection, I take a lot of the blame for my role in the creation of something that isn't helpful. My dismissive nature with boundary crossing time and time again over my life basically taught her that boundaries weren't important to me, even though I would constantly get upset with her. If only I had put my foot down much sooner in life

[00:08:22.930]

maybe things could have been different. Maybe not. Once I started my healing journey, I started putting the pieces together and started to understand how I was contributing to it, how we were codependent, and how it negatively impacted me along my journey and hers. But when she started to interfere in my marriage is when things really started to hit the fan. She would cross the line and cause many, many nights of toxic fighting between my wife and I simply because she couldn't respect our simple requests.

[00:09:04.330]

When my wife and I found out we were expecting, it wasn't the easiest time for us because of how toxic things were between us. But the one thing that I was happy about was that I knew my mother would be over the moon happy, and that made me happy. Knowing that we were expecting made the boundary stomping even worse for my marriage. She refused to listen to anything I would request of her not to do, nor anything my wife would request her not to do. From the small things to things like constantly hounding my wife to tell her the sex of the child,

[00:09:43.300]

even after my wife told her numerous times that I had asked her, as the father, to be the first person to know. So my mother would do the same toxic behavior that others along her journey were constantly guilty of: blowing up, saying things that they "don't mean", hanging up, and then throwing out a generic apology at some point in the future, even though they don't really mean it. It made things a lot worse between my wife and I. Along my healing journey, I finally started to do what I couldn't do for much of my life, established boundaries and put my foot down, which my mother didn't like and continued disrespect. Fast forward to January 2015. After a nightmare of a Christmas spent with my mother in numerous blow ups at her for not respecting boundaries that I tried to establish around my child, who was struggling. My father, whom I hadn't seen in nearly 15 years, was admitted to the hospital and about to undergo triple bypass.

[00:10:57.550]

Not wanting to have regrets in case he didn't pull through the surgery. I made the trip to stay in a hotel for a few days before and after the surgery to visit him. During this time, my mother attempted to guilt and shame me for not taking the extra hour to come visit her with the kiddo overnight. When I explained that the trip wasn't about her, she flew off the deep end and said four words to me that cut me deep inside like nothing else in my life ever could. And then she hung up on me.

[00:11:32.290]

The word healing. It gets thrown around a lot online and on podcasts and in books. Like it's a beautiful thing, like it's some sexy thing that everyone should strive for. But the process of healing is far from sexy. To really heal, you have to dig in the mud, go into the shadows, get your hands dirty with the garbage, and face a lot of the things that you may have buried in there. Hoping that they would magically vanish.

[00:12:05.780]

But the reality is that life isn't Hogwarts. There are no magic spells that can make your struggles disappear. In love and extreme pain. I made a decision that hurt me so much more than anything else possible could inflict on me in my life. I made the decision to put up boundaries and not have my mother actively involved in my child's life until I felt that I could regain trust in her. I made the decision that I would protect my child from the same boundary crossing that she forced upon me throughout my journey and had begun to force onto my child, while knowing how loving and fun my mother would have been.

[00:12:51.080]

as a grandmother actively involved in the kiddo's life. I know that it wasn't done out of malice. But as a parent, it's our responsibility to protect our kids. And the decision I made was to prevent the same generational trauma from getting passed down to my daughter. There's a quote from one of my favorite actors, Denzel Washington, that goes, "Your own family will talk bad about you when you're in the process of breaking all their generational curses. This ain't for the weak", and I never knew exactly how true this was until it was happening to me.

[00:13:29.770]

Going through the mud and the shadows of healing isn't always just about dealing with the sea of garbage that you're swimming in. It can also be about others doing their best to throw more shit in the pool on top of you, throwing their garbage at you, hoping that you'll drown. And this was the case for me. Boundaries are painful, but they are necessary to be able to bring out change. You must push not only yourself out of your comfort zone, but others as well.

[00:14:03.020]

My mother, she went through hell during this period. I didn't need anyone telling me that because I knew. I knew my mother better than anyone, and I knew because I was going through hell as well. Only seeing and talking to her once or twice a year was painful for both of us. And as much hell as she went through, it killed me. killed me, to have to do this.

[00:14:29.370]

But I knew in my heart that my daughter needed it. I needed it, and my mother needed it out of love. In what can be your darkest times, you can find the healing that you need or have always needed. After a few more mental health relapses, my mother finally went out and got the real help, real support that she needed.

[00:14:55.330]

And she was finally getting into a great place within herself and her life. I would hear the news. My hero was finally doing all the right things for her life. Like a Phoenix rising from the ashes, taking back control, and pushing herself out of her comfort zone by getting the support she had always needed but hadn't received. The problem was, I wasn't there yet.

[00:15:24.670]

You know the analogy of peeling back an onion? There's always another layer after layer. Unfortunately, there were more layers in that onion than I would have hoped because of never having the right support that I needed along my journey. As a result, many of the buried skeletons were coming to the surface that I needed to heal through. And for the last two years, my mother and I, we hadn't spoken. Yet

[00:15:55.000]

I never stopped thinking about her. I never stopped loving her. And I know she never stopped loving me. Never stopped thinking about me. We both learned the same lessons during this time.

[00:16:10.220]

During our healing process. No one can ever save you except yourself. No one can ever do the work for you, except you. It doesn't matter how many of the King's horses or how many of the King's men are sent.

[00:16:26.890]

Only Humpty Dumpty can put themselves together again. Along her healing journey, she started to develop her own boundaries with other toxic people in her life, which made me proud of her. For most of her life. She struggled to set boundaries with those same toxic people who would manipulate and control her. She was finally taking charge of her life and moving away from this toxicity, moving away from this town that was toxic for her, and getting a fresh start that she and I had talked about for decades. When we reconnected, I told her how proud I was of her for finally moving away

[00:17:09.700]

as we had always talked about. She was so happy, and that made me so much happier. And just days after her birthday, she passed. She finally overcame her struggles from throughout her journey, finally got the support that she needed, and finally started to take control of her life and make better decisions for her, to give herself her best. And then it was gone.

[00:17:38.290]

That's my hero. That's my definition of surviving to thriving. That's the woman who, no matter whatever could get said or thrown at me, is the person I'm most proud of. In dealing with the hell that was the aftermath and not being given proper time to grieve her loss. Over the past year, I found myself often reflecting on the decision I made for the sake of my daughter, my wife, and more importantly, me. I look back at how boundaries played a massive role in my life and I ask myself, would I do it again?

[00:18:25.630]

Would I make the same decisions knowing now what I couldn't have known then? And the answer is, I would.

[00:18:36.130]

Because if it wasn't for my mother doing what she did, telling me what she did and acting the way she did, I wouldn't be here with you today. I likely wouldn't be where I am along my healing journey. My daughter, who has her own struggles, would have been subjected to the same continuation of the toxic generational trauma that continues to plague others, even if malice didn't play a role. I love my mother to death. I owe who I am today as a person, in part due to her, both good and bad.

[00:19:20.710]

Understand that in this world of duality, there is always going to be a ying to a yang. You can't know the good without the bad. You can't know the right without the wrong. Understand that you can't be the hero to some without being the villain to others. There will always be your haters out there, no matter what you say, no matter what you do.

[00:19:48.970]

But they don't live your life. Reality is a personal journey. You are the only person living your life 24/7/365. So you need to do the one thing that will help you find your happiness and joy, and be the highest version of yourself. The best version of you.

[00:20:12.570]

Your world's best, even if it means you have to make some tough decisions. Understand that you are never alone. These decisions are made by people every day throughout the world. It doesn't make you a bad person. On the contrary, it makes you a strong person.

[00:20:33.610]

It makes you a loving person to establish boundaries. And for those of you who struggle with BPD or have those in your life who struggle with BPD, I see you. I feel you. I understand you. Get the support that you need because with the right support, you are 95% more likely to achieve your goals. My mother did this even though she was taken too soon to experience her success and rewards.

[00:21:09.730]

This includes healing and learning to live your life, for you, your way. Not to have others dictate their life onto you. I will never forget all you have ever done for me and I'm forever grateful. No one can ever steal the bond that we shared. No one can ever take away my love for you and your love for me. You will always be my hero.

[00:21:39.850]

Happy birthday, mom. I miss you. I love you always and forever.