Building Community and Giving Back

No sleep. Let it sweep you off your feet.

Hi, you're listening to find your joy. If you're looking for ways to thrive rather than survive in a world that can seem rather chaotic, you're in the right place. We will be sharing stories of our own, as well as those from guests who have found ways to bring hope, healing and freedom into places where trauma has impacted them. I'm Ali, author of the art of healing trauma, and I'm here to remind you that life is sweet. Now, let's dive in and find ways to create our joy. Hi, this is Ali and welcome to find your joy. I really excited because today we have part two, with the fabulous wonderful, ever giving always awesome, joyful is basically I hope your middle name is Joy because it would make a lot of sense. Margaret Mulcair. Mackenzie, welcome back, Margaret.

Thank you. My middle name is actually FAA, which means the awakening and fridge.

Oh, oh, that's very prophetic, isn't it? Oh, I love that. We're just oh my goodness. NBA that. That's beautiful. Okay, well, if I if that if it's 64. I go and start having babies again. I will make sure that and I had a girl she's going to be MBA. I love it. That's, I hope I write that down somewhere. I think I'll write that down right now. So Margaret is so many things. I when when earlier I was describing you as a diving board, that people are catapulted into, really what they're called to do, I think you have you have that way about you, you have that way of inviting people into that. And you're so many things, I'm guessing that you are, you know, we were first a daughter and a sister and maybe then a wife and a mother and definitely a furbaby. Mum, I've seen that you have been a military family member for almost Well, same time, but was almost the same as me about 35 years of community builder, a cheerleader, a person who looks for joys and ways to bring people together. And I would say that you are a person who some people have I'm going to try to I'm processing this as I'm thinking it here right now, you have a way that you see something in people. That is all that they could be and you call that out of them. That's a beautiful gift to possess and and some people who are you know, maybe on the however one wants to put it intuitive, revelatory, prophetic, whatever, some people who see things and other people, it can be easy to see things that may be on the downside of that. But you choose over and over again, to see not just the beauty in people, but all that is possible in them. And you found those flames. I have been the recipient, recipient of such a beautiful gift from you. And I'm going to guess that there are many others that do so I just wanted to say thank you for that because that's very much that is very much who you are. You If lame banner. I'm gonna be careful. Something comes out sideways. So when we were talking last time we were we were talking a little bit about choosing joy and devote your life as as a military family member and and like you had said there's you know, there's I forget exactly how you said it. But there's several opportunities for us to become depressed or fearful or anxious. 14 postings 34 years, but you chose to build community where you went. You talked a little bit last time about being in Trenton but I know that you were in Germany and I mean, maybe tell us a little bit about some of the postings and ways that you built community and oh my gosh, you give back. Ah, thank you

so much, Ellie, you're so so kind. So yes, we went to we've been in Kingston, Winnipeg, Colorado Springs Germany twice, Winnipeg twice. Trenton Greenwood and I grew up in Montreal. So yeah, so those are the policies that we were at So let me see, we talked about the street, oh, I know what I could just share with you. So in Germany, the struggle with living in Germany is that we don't speak the language, of course. So that's very challenging. And when somebody gets a posting to Germany, they're all excited and thinking, Oh, Europe, it's gonna be grand. But if you're in a small town, in Germany, or in Poland, or where people don't speak the language, it's very challenging. And you have to really reach outside of your comfort zone, to build community. And so, when I was in Germany, I worked for a food bank. And I was the only person there who did not speak German. So nobody spoke English to me. And so we had to use the language of smiling. I think that was the biggest language use, which by the way, I don't know if you know this, but you can actually hear a smile. So if you were to close your eyes, you could tell when I'm speaking, whether I'm smiling, or whether I'm frowning, you can hear it, you can hear it in the voice, there's certain lilt that comes with it. So when I was teaching, interactive online programming, I used to say that was one of the best practices, you can hear your smile, so make sure you do that.

Wonderful he and I could win, when you're close to my eyes, and I could tell when you were smiling about

it makes a real difference. And if you're dealing with with somebody online for you know, you've been on hold for an hour and a half for an organization that that that you have to figure something out with. If you start the line with a smile, they're going to give you they're going to work so much harder for you because they're gonna feel finally somebody's not angry with me, you know?

Yeah, like,

it's just, it's an easy, it's hard to do sometimes. But it's an easier thing to do. And once you've, once you've set that tone, it's very hard for him to be upset with you or you to be upset with them, because that's the tone you started with.

That's lovely. Another one of the Margaret isms that is so helpful and so true.

When you're on line for an hour and a half, remember to smile when they come on.

Because imagine what it's like, like you're seeing imagine every single person, the first thing that they say to them is not even what they want done, it's likely going to be a complaint about how long they waited. And guess what a day that's going to be for that.

And if you could, if you could bring it to yourself so hard to do I understand. Not everybody can do it. Not all the time. But if you've if you've been wronged by a company, and you can bring it by yourself after an hour and a half of waiting to take a deep breath and just say, How is your day going today? You know, and with a smile, and they're going to switch for you. They're going to work as hard as they can for you. Just because you see them. You see them over the phone that you know that they've been struggling so you can hear a smile. That's my thoughts. But I digress. Yes. So we've had a lot of different postings I was on we were on IR which means something restricted posting, I think it is I don't know all the acronyms. But that means that my husband was in Ottawa, and we were in Greenwood for a year.

Yes. Right, which is

really challenging. The kids were young. And I could not have done anything without the community that was built there. You know, they were so supportive, and we'd go for meals, and you know that we'd have playdates and we'd go to the pool, and just have a wonderful time. But without that community support. Post posting like that, where we're separate is extremely, extremely difficult. Yeah, so it's all about building that connection. Right?

It is connection is so important. You know, when you're saying that I'm thinking, there's a thing that happens and I know it's not only military families, but there's this thing that happens that I find in relationships, where when you know, when for many years, Dave was gone six to nine months of every year, it was just always gone and and there's a way we learned to communicate and I like that that's the one thing that I think is is really lovely about military families is we have the opportunity to long for each other and and not everyone has that opportunity. And I don't you know, I mean now you know decades into it. I don't need to long so much okay, I just we're better together but But when you're talking about that there's that thing that happens, I think in military families where that's something that I noticed, you know, when someone my friends who love their husbands dearly, but would be like, Oh my gosh, I wish I could just have, you know, a weekend without ours, they would say something like that. And I think, then you should. Because it's, there's something that happens. When you get too long for someone that you're that you miss them, you miss the, the part that the puzzle that they the piece puzzle, this puzzle puzzle piece that they give to your family, that they that they bring to you that they do all of that. So. So absolutely. The community part is so wonderful. I just want to mention to people who you already know, because you live it, but there is there is something really lovely about about being a part. Yes, if that makes sense.

It builds your confidence, it shows your strength, it shows that you can do it. Yes. You know, it shows that, that you're independent, you're strong, you still need your person, of course. But it does give you a sense of accomplishment, right and a joy as part of accomplishing things right. Do you feel when you've finished doing a big job that you were like putting off for weeks?

Exactly right. And always is, I always see when When David's going on when he would be going on a lot, you know, like months and months and months. You know, there's different ones there's a month is like, man, there's almost nothing right? It's like, sounds awful to say that but it's like, but when someone's going for, you know, three to six months, nine, like and beyond, right? I always say okay, you no one can talk to me the first day I'm going to be, I thought it'd be my gym crying. Let's just get that out there. And then the first week, it'll be a little bit iffy. They don't catch me. I'll get my feet back on. Right, yeah. And then now I'm going and I've got a plan and everything's gonna be fine. And then

coming back, they still have struggles coming back, because oh my gosh, he's coming back. I've been doing everything by myself. How do I bring him back in or her back into it? To the routine? Yes.

There's a lot of that. Have you seen the movie?

I can't remember the name of it. I'm so sorry. But it's about emotions. And it talks about joys is a cartoon and angers a cartoon. And sadness is a cartoon. I can't remember what it's called. But what the thing that really struck home, we watched it as a family and deployment was huge thought in there, the thing that really struck home for me was that you cannot have joy, without sadness.

Right? Right.

So when you're speaking about the day of crying when he leaves, you have to you have to allow your body to feel the emotions, you have to allow it. And I grew up in a family that said no, you got to be happy all the time. That That doesn't work. Because as human beings, we have to feel the sadness with the joy. Yes, yes. Absolutely.

That I Yes. When you have when you haven't talked to our podcast called Find Your joy is it's not about being happy, clappy all the time. Right? It's about like you're saying to the choice right? I have a choice. And sometimes I take it to go all the way down into a pity party or feeling devastated or just in a very dark for a while. And then that breath when I come back, it's like Oh, right. But that those feelings were real.

And if we never had that depression that that sadness that that anxiety we wouldn't even know what joy look

like. Yeah, I think that's right I think that there's a way it's it's like finding finding your way through hotel so say Finding Nemo. Carrie and I'm almost like Nemo, sometimes I'm just I have a little goal and I'm just going on my way there. No, I'm more like Dory actually. Squirrel. Like that it's choosing. It's choosing life. It's choosing that yes, there's going to be really hard things that happen. Like when we go to another country. It's so funny you I become very aware if I go to a country and English is not only not their first language but not even a language that is used very much. You very quickly become much more compassionate to people who have immigrated to this country. And don't speak English. You know before when I was young younger, I'm sure I probably did an eye roll and thought, why don't you didn't learn to speak English? And I'm telling you, you go to another country. And it's like, of course they don't speak English. That's not the language of this country. But now what am I going to do?

I remember when I was working in Europe, was about five years before COVID. So there was no electronic, it, you know, interactive programming, but that was my job. My job was interactive programming. And so I said, Okay, let's try doing a, we had 400 families living in 16 countries. So I said, Let's try doing a book club, online book club. This was before online book clubs were big. So it was an opportunity to bring people from the different countries who are ones and twos together. Well, not only was this successful book club, where we laughed and carried on and maybe had some frosty beverages, but there was a woman there who lived in a place with only one person. So she was the it, it was a new language. She didn't speak the language, she she had children, they weren't. So she wasn't supported in any way. And at that time, there was no online programming, we were the first. And she said, I can't believe it, you're the first time that I've had a chance to speak English in the last year and a half since I've been here.

Oh, man. And then she started sharing how she

started stuttering. And she started losing her hair because she was so stressed. And with that little book club, that online book club that we had way before COVID, she was able to get social work help.

Oh my gosh, with

with that, you know, you think Oh, it's just a book club. But just a knitting club. It's just to this, but it's about building community. And because we were able to build community from from remotely, this person was able to get help.

And I That's beautiful. And I love that you just said that. When when someone's thinking, Oh, it's just a book club. Or it's just, we, we need to kind of almost take the word just out of the English language. Because it's because what does this even mean? You know, I just went there and brought her muffins. You know, for a person who is just who was just possibly posted somewhere. And is, you know, maybe the first time they've been away from their family. Like there's, there's a list of things that that happens. Oh, my gosh, and and even I'm thinking even for a person who has any anxiety or stuff, it might even be hard when a person comes towards you and offers kindness or a friendship because it's it might if you already have your own list of I'm afraid of us that can be challenging right? But it helps us to move past that. Yes, I'm afraid and not but but as another one we could get right as bad but as bad I try really if when I hear myself say but what what well,

we used to teach the kids a song but is bad doo doo doo but but is that so there's no I love you. But it's I love you and you

are this is I see what you're talking about. And not but but has a way of of disregarding everything that was said before it. Is that right? It's it's like it's like an apology that has a button it. I'm really sorry. I hurt your feelings much but you did a whole other thing about I wasn't really apologizing at all. Just looking for the segue to tell you all the crappy stuff you had done.

I'm laughing because I thought I was the only one that thought that is so true.

It is. And so you know we're gonna get just and butt out of England. Just wait a second. I have my little one. And and yeah, it's it's important, right? It's important that we learn. Linguistics are important words matter.

every word matters. every word

matters. Oh, my dear friend, Glenn. I'm giving you a shout out right now because really, he's. He's been one of my closest friends for I don't know about 20 About 25 years really? Yeah. And, and he was really into NLP and all you neuro linguistic programming and just all of these things and linguistics and so much way before, way before I was I would say he probably introduced me to it. And he would tell me every word matters every word. And I be like, but I see so many if I have to slow down and think about everyone, oh my gosh, what am I going to do? But it helped me write every word matters, every word matters. And it really does and they hold power. And they end the end they have they have an energy that travels through, you know, and if you ever went

to school and had to write an essay, if you wrote too many words, and had to cut it back very hard,

it's very hard. Oh my gosh, well, I don't know, if I told you this. I'm, I've got children's books coming out, right? So they're just my nieces working on. I know, I'm excited. But why the words matter? Here's this thing. So I started out writing, I think there were 3000 words. Now maybe those 2000 words each book was, and then I and then I took a course on writing kids books. And for the age group, we're looking at four to seven, because he needed to pitch pick a age group and all that. And they said 1000 words was maximum. So then I needed to take the concept of the what was in the 2000 words, and put it into 1000. Oh, it gets better. Then I took another course and read some more information. And then it was like, no, if you're going four to seven, you would do best. If you can hold the story and make it true. Make it still hold the meaning do it rhyming and do it in 400 words, especially if it's a pitcher book. So then I needed to take this story that was over 2000 words, take it in 400 words, and rhyme it so that kids would remember it. True story.

I'm gonna share a story of how less is more a friend of mine who I love and adore. And he was in an online presentation. And they were 30 people on this presentation. And the facilitator thought it would be a great idea to introduce each person. So every person stood up and said, Hello, my name is this, I do this. This is my awards. I've got this, and they go along. And so it was pretty difficult to listen to. And by the 27th person, my friend Paul stood up and put my friend Paul has a wonderful sense of humor. And he stood up and he looked around the room and in the presentation online. He said Paul, cyber, and then he sat down. That's all he said. But you know what, for the next week if during the conference, people come up to him and said, You're Paul cyber, I want to learn more. Two words, versus a whole lot of Yeah, you know, this is me, this is me, this is what I've done. So

because there's intention The intention, that's what I think catches our because by 27 My goodness people if anyone didn't know within the first five or 10 people by 27 people they knew Oh, this was a bad idea.

So you could be le Joy

Exactly. Oh my god. Le Joy says right Oh, I

love this more.

I want to know Paul cyber now. I'll go to LinkedIn right away and find out. It carries on and carries on no just fell but that's right. Ah, so So you're in. You're in Germany and you don't speak German. How long were you in Germany like you were in a few times you were in Germany. Right

Weiss? Yeah. So we were there three years and five years.

Do you speak German now?

I can order a beer beautifully.

But as long as you've got the really important things. That's all that really matters. I can see Oktoberfest I

thought it was really funny. To tie for another stone. I

only have time for you. i That's all I have is time and more time for you.

So I wrote in the Wounded Warriors. Battlefield bike ride in 2000 something and we we rode alongside veterans who were through Croatia and Serbia. So, like I got off the plane and and I, we were going for our passports and somebody said, Well, the last time I was here, I was being shot at that airport. And I spent a week with these incredible human beings. And so we had to raise funds for this great cause, which we did. And then afterwards, I invited the community for a big party. So we had the food, we had everything for them, and they came to this party. So we had this wonderful party, and all of a sudden we get a knock on the door. And we get a knock on the door, and I go see who's there. And I'm not sure who it is. But he says he's in his best English. He's looking for a place to stay. And we lived next to our neighbors who, who had a ferry involved in which was a holiday home. Oh, okay. So I went there. I said, Do you have a broom? And they said no room and they said, all the hotels are booked. There's no way he's going to get a hotel. So I said, all the hotel rooms are booked. There's no way you're gonna get a hotel. Come on in spend the night here.

Oh, of course you did. I know. Right?

His wife said, you know, is she safe? Then she said, can you show me the room? I said, Sure. Come on up. So I showed her the guest bedroom, it was all made up ready to go. They came down late. So they said okay, we'll stay here. They had no choice. They had a beautiful dinner with us. They sat down and had dinner. And then when everybody left, we stayed by the fire and head, you know, talked about their lives. And in the morning, I went to the bakery and got a beautiful breakfast for them. Like it was a beautiful b&b. It turned out this person is a car rally world champion. And, and he was just coming back from some of his races that he's done. And he joined us. And because it was a celebration for the wounded warriors, I had all kinds of Kenny Canadian flags and Canada and wounded warriors. Promotion. He said Are you from Canada? We said yes. said only in Canada with some bestiality invited a stranger into there. So I don't know how we got onto that story. But I had to share

that story will be when I when I love it. That's that's who you are. That's who you are. And wouldn't it be wonderful if we could move towards that? That's how we are as a people. Like I understand we have to be safe. You know, the wife said, are they you know, are they safe? I get it. Like there's, there's that reality for sure. And what a beautiful, beautiful experience for them. And for you. I love that.

So shining Canadians light.

Yes. Well, that's when you took your your seven second soundbite and put it into a 20 fours.

That's right, because we never saw them again. You know, it was it was they were just so loud. It was just part of it's what human beings need, you know, we need more joy. We need more listening. We need to put down our phones and just pay attention to who's around us and what people need. Oh,

it's, it's you, you, my friend, are a beautiful shining beacon of joy and kindness and love and all things that inspire me. Thank you for bringing it out in me. Oh, I don't think if I had a great big lid and and what is it called? A drill with with bolts and stuff that I could keep it down. You and shine up the sides?

Well, I think we'll wrap up and I just is there anything that we didn't talk about or that you didn't get a chance to share? That is in your heart a burning desire that you would love to share?

I am just so thankful. I'm thankful that I met you so many years ago and I'm thankful that I've I've seen your talent. And I just I just thank you for this opportunity to share because as human beings we need more positivity.

You Yeah, we should do Dawei. Hug. Ah, well, you have just been treated to the beauty and wonder that is Margaret Mulcair, Mackenzie, and thank you so much for tuning in and spending some time with us. There's a whole bunch of things that you could have all been doing today and you chose to listen to us for a while as we babble away and talk about love and joy and all that kind of stuff. This is Ali, thank you so much for being with us today. Thank you, Margaret. And please do find your joy. And remember that you are loved

thanks so much for joining me today. If you found a piece of your joy in this episode, I would love to hear about what came up for you so that we can continue to grow the impact of this show. Thanks again. See you soon and remember find your joy