Navigating Holiday Conversations

Hello and welcome. I'm your host. Joseph Devlin, and the holidays can be both joyful and challenging, especially in families where dynamics may be complicated, especially when there's somebody in active addiction. So today we're going to explore how to celebrate small wins and keep conversations positive even in those tough environments. So let's get at it right. So as preparing for this show, there was so much I really wanted to share, so I just want to share some tips and highlights that I found to be useful, that I've done for myself, that I've also I found effective working with many, many clients over the years. And I want us to look at like these holiday celebrations as, hey, listen, these are family gatherings. And as I said, we all want to be in community, and our families is is a place we really want to be connected. Sometimes we all just have a very funny way of showing how much we care for one another. So hey, if you have one of those family gatherings coming up and you have some difficult relatives, or you have somebody in active addiction, or you even have somebody who's in recovery, and you're thinking, Man, I just don't know. I'm going to be walking out some eggshells. I really don't know what to do, but I really want this to be an enjoyable time. I want you know this could be the last time that we're ever together again, because, as we know we're never really we're not promised more time. So I want to look at some of these strategies as really being ways that we can look at almost being like preemptive planning for it, celebrating some of the small wins, some of the conversations we could have, and then a little something to do even afterwards is kind of a follow up. So let's just start with being kind of proactive. And you know, preparing for that. You know that family gathering, that that you have coming together, and I say, is it really, does it, it absolutely will start with you. And it's like, okay, what kind of mindset can I get in? You know, this might be a four hour dinner, two hour dinner, eight hour dinner. Okay, let me, let me get in the best mindset that I can possibly be in and kind of maybe shedding away some of those other worries, thinking about, hey, listen, all right. My primary purpose tonight is just to enjoy family. And I can do this for one day. I can do anything for 24 hours. So I know I can endure it. So get myself into that. Hey, I want us, everybody, to have a good experience. I'm going to stay in that zone. That's one way to do it. Another way is also sometimes, if you have the influence, you can say hey to the whole group that's coming and saying, Hey, maybe there's some hot topics, right? A lot of hot topics out there. You know, there's no politics. Could be that, you know, touchy one, you know, it could be football teams, whatever it may be. And you say, Hey, listen, could we just not talk about those. Let's just keep them off limits. And if you have a family that can be open and receptive to that great you're really setting that table of success for yourself to be able to say, Okay, let's just stay away from some of those other things that you can do preemptively is something that I've really incorporated, and I've had many people do this is, is that, like, no matter what room I'm walking into, if I take a moment and pray and just talk to God for a second, Hey, God, you know, just help them entering this room. I know you're here with me, but I'm inviting your presence to be here. Please speak through me. Be here present. Let us have joy. This is a time of celebration for us. And whatever that personal prayer is, make it your own. And that really does help set a space for a peaceful time together, a joy filled time together. So definitely utilize that another one is going in there with knowing some of your strategies, meaning, what is the way that you can remain mindful. And this one I is I found to be very helpful for folks who don't like to say anything in family gatherings, and also for people who maybe talk a little bit too much during family gatherings, and it's having this strategy in place in your mind, saying, okay, if I'm getting ready to speak right, put your tongue to the roof of your mouth. Breathe in and breathe out. Sometimes maybe you do that for three seconds. And for folks who struggle with speaking, this may be enough just to give them the courage, just to say one or two sentences and to contribute to the conversation. And then for others who often contribute, maybe over, share or get involved in something maybe that they don't need to be part of the conversation, it gives them that moment. Pause to say,

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Do I really need to be speaking here?

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So I here's some of that, some of the preemptive stuff that you can you can do even before the family gathering starts. Now, other things that I want you to think about is like creating that environment, you know, for our families is, Hey, want to be able to create the environment that people want to go to. So a lot of that has to do with celebrating the small wins. So if I can think to myself and say, hey, I want to have, where can I put in these like rituals of reflection, and it can simply start with, Hey, I lighting a candle when everybody's there. Hey, this is man. This candles for all of us for making this happen today. And, you know, like, that's, this is a symbol to say, hey everybody. This is really important for us being here today. You can also look at doing, you know, some of these, like smaller gestures of, if you have folks who are open enough to it to say, Hey, listen, can everybody go around the table and just tell us something? You know, one positive moment you had from the year. And I know a lot of families may not be ready to do that, and so just have that maybe in the back of your mind for some conversation starters, as you're going around the room and you're talking with people, maybe that's the one conversation that you can consistently have with folks. And you will see that as you do that folks are going to be attracted to that and want to spend time talking with you, because, you know, we have a lot of, you know, negative stuff that comes at us all the time, and we almost don't realize that we end up naturally gravitating and going down rabbit holes talking about this. So this could be this kind of reflection piece that you can go back and say, Hey, what's one positive moment you had over the past year, past week, past month?

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And you know, I'm also going to say is, like another place where we can put in some reflection, is really at the at the end of our dinner, we're thinking about dessert. And you can say, hey, this desserts for everybody, for making today so special and like that will go a long way with really sending out that, that that gratitude to everyone, and saying, Look, this was very, very purposeful. Really enjoyed your time together. And you know it, it makes people want to actually come to something like that, because they're going to feel part of the whole family now beginning to navigate some conversations, right? Of course, this is something that you know in, like I said, in addiction, you might have somebody in active addiction, you might have somebody who maybe drinks too much, maybe you have somebody who's in recovery, all like coming together, and how do you redirect some conversations? And again, this is like something that you can be very proactive about. You know, if you're talking with somebody and you know they say something, you say, Oh, that's such a great point. Like reaffirming them, hey, what they're talking about is enjoyable. You wanted to hear it. They, you know what they're sharing matters, and you're here, where they're coming from. And you know, that's great when conversations going well. But as conversation starts kind of getting maybe a little, you know, iffy, and we start kind of going down a path. I mean, you know, you may have a relative who will always bring up something, you know, negative. I always say it's like that person, you know, I've been in cars with people and relatives, and we're looking at these beautiful houses, and there's all these wonderful windows on this big, gigantic house, and everybody's like, Man, that is such a beautiful house. And the first thing they say is, must be so hard to clean those windows. I don't see them like I don't see the cleaning of the windows. I see the beautiful sunlight coming through the windows. So when you know that you're going to be engaged with somebody like that, hey, you know, let them talk something negative, or bring it to a point that maybe you even disagree with and you say, Hey, that's a good, good thought. What's something fun you're looking forward to just kind of changing the subject. Or you can say something like, Hey, that's good point. Let's keep things light. What's bringing you joy lately? And if those don't seem you know good for you. It doesn't seem authentic to you. Think about something else you can say. Because, hey, you know, that's a good point. I'm just trying to keep things light. Hey, did you see, you know, whatever the local football team playing? Whatever it may be, just make it your own. But it's real easy to redirect. Conversation because you're not you're not saying you disagree with something this. What they're saying isn't right. You're just kind of saying, okay, hey, that's all good. Let's talk about this. Now those are just completely like, just being able to redirect conversations, but now when we're thinking about diffusing tension, and that can often happen, and I mean, like when tensions are rising between you know, you know, two people or or with you and another individual. And especially right, this will happen in moments where people are in active addiction. And especially I've seen it often happen is like, when they're trying to stay sober for those couple hours, they get very, very irritated. And it's like, okay, if they can poke one another, they can kind of get into, you know, they've got an excuse to either pick up use or they got an excuse to go leave and go come back. And so if you see these tensions arising, you can always say, hey, look, I think we all have good intentions here. And it's usually they're talking about, you know, some political thing. Maybe the dessert, maybe the table wasn't set right. Maybe somebody spilled something. Maybe somebody's bringing up old resentments from, you know, whatever, another holiday. Hey, listen, I think we all have good intentions here. Let's focus on enjoying the moment that may be enough to defuse the situation. You know, if things are a little bit too much, can you can say, Hey, I hear you. How about we take a break and enjoy the food, the music, the whatever. And again, we're not saying anybody's right or wrong when we're utilizing these statements. We're just being able to kind of put our influence in there, bringing this back to really why we're there, and allowing our families to have a good day together, because, quite frankly, we're together on a holiday because family is very special to us. You know, the number one thing people say on their deathbeds, you know, when they're asked, what you know, what do you wish you did differently? Always they say, I wish I spent more time with family. So let's create places that, hey, this, this event was successful. Now we're going to be able to, now we're going to be able to create more times that we can get together. Hey, we have a successful time. Now maybe we have, you know, we get to another family, get together in a month or two months or three weeks. However it works. So I want to, you know, also, you know, I don't want to be blind to the fact that I know many people, you know, listening, have somebody who's an addiction, and they just, they're very fearful of, like, what they're going to be asked from that individual, and it's usually money related, or can they borrow the car, just some kind of favor, and they know that when they're going to see them, they're going to ask them that it's the holiday, they're going to feel bad for them, and they're just going to say yes, and I'm going to, I want to give you two very powerful statements as a way to say no, and it's going to de escalate the situation. So, you know, if you got a pen, write it down right now, you know, if you're being asked something, it's the easy part. Is money, right? You know, you could say, ah, you know, if I had known earlier, I might have been able to make it work. But unfortunately, it's just not possible. Now that's enough to maybe shut it down. Now, if that one doesn't do it, you know, another statement that's very effective in being able to say no without saying no. You know, this is not the right time. This is not the right time for me. I'll be sure to let you know when that changes. So that means that cuts it off, shuts the door. Hey, can't do it for you right now, but I'll let you know if that door is open again. And so you don't have to worry about anybody following up with you, saying they're going to talk to you in a month, a week or the next day. And you know, it kind of, they got a chance to say what they needed to say. You got a chance to say what you want. And then you can move on. And hey, you know, move on to any one of the conversations that starters that I had already talked about. You know, other conversation starters I think that are awesome, or are things like, you know, hey, what's your favorite memory from the holiday what's been working, you know, have you been working on any new hobbies? What's a fun tradition you'd like to start? Any one of those are really great, like pivot conversations,

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you know? But you could say, hey, you know, when you kind of end that it's. Like, hey, listen, I'll follow up with you with anything that changes. You could say, hey, you know, I remember this holiday when we went out, we cut down that Christmas tree, and then, remember, we dragged it home, and it started snowing, and then we got inside, and we were, you know, we made some hot cocoa, we got the tree up, and we started, you know, getting some lights on it. Ah, man, that's just one of my favorite holiday you know, past holidays. Hey, what's one of your favorite memories from a past holiday? And in the midst of being able to change that conversation, you're being vulnerable enough to tell them something that you enjoyed in a past holiday, which gives them permission to be able to share and it invites them to be able to talk. So with any of those other conversation starters, you can kind of sprinkle them in any part of your evening. My encouragement for you is that you kind of you know your family, so some of your family's going to need encouragement to be able to talk. So for those folks, definitely share your experience the question you're asking them, and then ask them if they had any, you know, if they have any hobbies that you're working Hey, I'm, I'm, you know, I'm currently fumbling around on the piano, and I'm really enjoying it. Are there any hobbies that you're picking up? And see what they have to say, and you'll see that it's like the these conversations, these light hearted conversations, but it's like that we're remaining positive. We're creating this environment where people like have this like safety to be able to speak. And the more we do this, the more we're going to be able to create more and more family environments that people are going to want to attend. And the last thing I'll say is this is when it's all over and done and everybody goes their way, follow up with a text telling everybody, Hey, how grateful you were that everybody was there, making this day special. You know, because that follow up text is so important, so that people go, Wow, you know what? It was good. I really did enjoy that. And we should do this again more often, and that'll increase the likelihood that you'll actually be able to have more of those family gatherings. So I want to thank you all for being here with me today, and remember until our next episode sobriety is a family affair.