How You Can Support Someone Who Wants Change

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Hello and welcome. I'm your host, Joseph Devlin, and today on the show, we're going to discuss the topic of alcohol. Specifically, what if your loved one came up to you and said, Hey, I need to take a break from drinking. What would you do?

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Let's get at it.

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All right. So for so many of you, if your loved one walked up to you and said, Hey, I need to take a break from drinking right now, you'd be so ecstatic. You'd be like hitting a roof. You would be throwing a parade. You'd be so excited that this is finally happening. And I want to say is keep that excitement that's so important. And as you're talking with your loved one, hey, match their excitement, because this is going to be a huge part of support for them. And I know, again, for many of you, it's a lifelong dream. So let's, you know, let's be ready. Like, what do you do next? What's the next thing you can do to really help support them on this, this period of time where they're saying, Hey, I just need to take a break. Well, I know for many people I work with, when something like this happens, they're willing to do anything for their loved one because they've been waiting for it for so long. However, sometimes that doesn't always work out right, because there were just some pieces of that were missing that could have been easily supported to help somebody on that, you know, that journey of pausing, that drinking. So I want to take a look at a couple things here today. So one of the first things that you're going to realize is that you're going to know what it is the change that the person wants to make because they want to put a pause on their drinking. Then the next thing I would want to, I encourage you, to do, is find out from somebody like, how come they want to make that change, this change now? Now many of you would know. Oh, well, you know, this is, you know, this is something that the relationship between the two of us has deteriorated, that relationship with the children has gone away. Relationships at work, have, you know, really been frayed? Maybe there's some financial impact. And, you know, the list could go on and on, and you would know probably many of the reasons why it would be a good idea for them to take this pause for now. However, it's really important to ask them their why, knowing why it's important for them to be making this change now, and as you're listening to them, you know, I'm sure you're going to hear some of the things that you know you were hoping to hear. How come they want to make the change, you know, to, you know, have that better community and their health and all of those and but you also might hear something that you weren't really necessarily anticipating. So it could be something like, Hey, I want to spend more time with my mom. I know she's getting a little bit older. Maybe it's, you know, I'm noticing we're kind of not spending enough time with the kids. So I'd really like to be able to, you know, engage with them again and really make that intentional time. And this is a great place where you can come in and really help them, help support them. And you know, for instance, you know, if they wanted to spend more time with their mom, you might be able to say, hey, you know, why don't you and I and the kids, we go over to your mom Sunday after church. This will give you some alone time with your mom and but, you know, we'd love to be there too. Maybe, if it's with the kids, you can say, Hey, listen, let's maybe we bring back movie night that kind of went away for a little bit. And, or, Hey, you know, maybe we could go do like a hiking day again. We used to really love that as a family. We haven't done in a long time. So this gives you that that platform to say, Hey, I understand some of the things that you want to change and some of the things that are important for you to while you're taking this break from drinking, and let me see if I can come around and help support you in in this effort. And the next thing I'll say is, really, like, write down the goal. And you know, if you can include in that goal, like somebody says, I want to take a break from drinking, I'm encouraged to find out with them. You know, hey, like, how long is it 30 days? Is it 60 days, 90 days? What are we looking at here? And you know, soon like when you can get that time frame down, you know, write it down and circle it on the calendar, or circle it in your own personal calendar, so that you know that. Date that they're saying, Hey, listen, I'm going to stop drinking for the next 60 days. Fantastic. Kind of know, what are some of those, you know, parameters to be able to hit that goal? Like, okay, great. We're looking for 60 days. That's what we're that's what we're going for. Hey, day one. Want to be able to back you up in this. And the importance of being able to write that down is, listen, we're about 80% more successful at achieving a goal when we write it down. And while we're writing down, the goal can also be writing down, like some of the whys behind it, like spending more time with mom, the kids, having better health, losing the acid reflux. You know, all of those can be put together. And I encourage you to encourage your loved one to write these downs and but if they're not, hey, one thing at a time, huge step that they're stopping drinking right now, right they're putting that pause on it so that they can make some other adjustments in their life. So once you kind of get some of that clarity on the goal time, the length of time, you can also begin to break down that goal into some smaller goals. So you know, if you know, hey, we're trying to do this for about 60 days. You know their goal is to do this for 60 days. I definitely want to support them in this issue. I'm also noticing, hey, we have a holiday coming up, or we have a birthday party coming up. So you can kind of see those things on the calendar. And you can just think about, hey, how do we navigate this

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to, like, to pause

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the drinking, but and still have a lot of fun at these parties and celebrations of the holidays. You also might be aware that, hey, like, even smaller goals, you know, maybe that first weekend, you know, hey, Saturday nights are generally kind of tough for my loved one. I noticed that there's an uptick, uptick in drinking. So, you know, put out the suggestion like, you know, would you like to go out to dinner Saturday night? Or maybe it's, you know, can we stay home and we could do a puzzle together on Saturday night? And, you know, these could be these things that you know, help support your loved one through these, these big, especially these beginning stages, these, these small, short term goals to say, hey, let's see how we can navigate these things. Still have fun and not have the total focus be on the drinking itself, but just finding some other things that we can do to have fun together. Now, a caveat that I'll put in here is that many of the people that I work with, they're so excited that their loved one is, you know, is putting down, you know, you know, a drink or the substance time that they're willing to do anything for that loved one. And even so, they're like, Okay, I know Saturday and Sundays are tough and or, you know, Wednesdays during the weekends, and they and they kind of keep finding things to fill the time, or finding ways to, you know, maybe preoccupy their loved one from thinking about something else. Or if they're not feeling well, you know, they'll be the first one to say, Oh, well, let me, you know, let me take care of this chore in the house, or let me do this. And really, all of that becomes this, like, huge weight on the individual. And that's a huge burden to be able to carry, like trying to carry somebody else's, you know, decision to pause their drinking so and that just again, it's, it's a burden that I don't feel that that person necessarily needs to carry because it's really, really important to allow their loved one to really own this process. Let them be in the driver's seat. Let them navigate, you know, the evenings and the weekends and the holidays. If they're open to suggestions, you know, put them out there. You can put a suggestion here and there, but then, you know, I know how hard it is, but it's like, take that breath, breathe in, breathe out. And like, step back and just be there with them. Sometimes that's all the support that they really need is to know that somebody believes in them, and somebody's really excited about, you know, the decisions that they're making now, with this support, I know we're looking at like this goal of, hey, whatever is 6090, days, whatever it may be, if not drinking. Um, you know, you've circled this on the on the calendar, and it's important to have that deadline, because at the end of that time, you know, have something set up that you're going to do to celebrate. It's like, because it's like building a reward system into, you know, that that date, and at the once, once that dates hit, maybe the reward is going out to dinner, maybe it's a trip to the beach. Whatever it is that is, you know, important, you know, something that's going to help with staying inspired to to to reach that goal, you know, put it there at the at the end there and and then celebrate, like, go out and celebrate. And if you if you were able to find smaller goals that you wanted to achieve, something in there too, could be, you know, getting a candy bar, beating a book, you know, going for an extra walk, whatever it may be. Just tie in if, when you could tie in those words, it's really going to help, because there's going to be a time for that individual when, when they're not, you know, drinking, that that thought will come in to be drinking, and sometimes that that reward seeing that thing at the end, like, you know what? I'm really going to enjoy a trip to the beach with a family, and I want it to happen sooner rather than later. I'm going to, you know, I'm not going to pick up the drink right now. I've had that happen with so many people that I've worked with that, you know, they said, you know, it's like, we, we just, you know, we had scheduled, you know, going out like, you know, for donuts on Sunday with the kids. And, you know, I didn't want to miss that that was so important to them that they're like, you know, that thought of the drink came in and I was able to kind of just flip my thought process. Now, the last thing I'm going to encourage everybody to really think about is during, during this whole process, celebrate the the positive changes that are being made. It's really important to really it's like reflecting and adjusting where we need to so throughout this, this adventure, this period of time, this season where you're, you know, your loved one is saying, Hey, I'm taking a break from drinking. Look at the things that are being successful from week to week. And this could be done in a very informal manner, but, you know, think about it. It's like, okay, hey, what are some of the things that are making this successful for everybody? We're all noticing a change, you know, your loved ones starting to look healthier. But is it those things like, Hey, we've been taking walks at night, three times a week, you know. And just reflect back on that, hey, maybe you're spending more time with the grandkids, you know, and saying, Hey, this has been really successful as as well. Sometimes maybe it's that you had the all the weekends planned, or maybe you didn't have anything planned on the weekend at all, and that was really helpful. And through this reflection time, it may be the thing that sparks additional changes. For example, you can say, hey, it is, you know, important to have family, night, date night, attending church together. And during that reflection time, it sparks a conversation for the two of you to talk about like, yeah, these things are important to us, and it allows the conversation to be on the positive side, and one that you know increases the dopamine and the serotonin in your brain, and it's feel good moments those things are missing when you put down the alcohol and through these discussions, like I said, it may even lead to wanting to take a break longer than maybe the originally planned 60 days of drinking. Maybe it's something that, hey, every quarter or twice a year, I'm going to take a break from drinking for those 3060, 90 days. And you know, every family is unique. However, we're not really reflecting on on what's been successful and reflecting on the on the positive changes that are occurring and just how the family is becoming united. We're really missing something. And I really want to say this, is a really important point that I realized with many of the people I walk alongside with, is that we we struggle to reflect on the good that is happening right in front of us, meaning we let this pass us by, and when we can name the positive changes that are going on. And around us, then we can really claim it, and then we can really make it a part of our family. So my challenge to you is to utilize this podcast and be prepared for when the day this happens for you, your loved one says, Hey, I need to pause my drinking.

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You're gonna know what your next steps are,

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I also challenge you to utilize this same process we discussed today to make a change in your life. This could be reading a book. Could be connecting more with friends, exercising regularly. Maybe it's learning more jokes, whatever sparks your interest. And I promise you this, I've seen it happen over and over and over again. We make these little changes, it's going to have a really big impact. Like, when we think about this, like, we know that, like the seeds of like certain fruits, like melons and tomatoes and strawberries, they're so small. They're so tiny. Could barely hold them, you know, between two fingers. And if, when I plant those right, the the you get, like a bountiful yield, like the harvest is amazing, you know, like, we see, you know, whole strawberry patches. You see these giant melons, you know, four or five of them growing off of this one vine, you know. And tomato plants just grow. It's so crazy. They're everywhere. And, like, you know, gotta use, you know, certain things to try and, like, make the branches of the tomato tree kind of wrap around it because it's growing so big and it's producing so many tomatoes, and it all started with just that one seed, and those like changes that we're making in the vines of the tomatoes, that is often what happens when we make any small change, whether it's this book or learning more jokes, it really starts to spread into the rest of our lives. So what may seem like a very small change now that thing that you just thought of, I said I did want to do that. I wanted to know more jokes. I wanted to read that book, right? It's going to Bloss into something really, really big in your life, and I look forward to hearing about your changes that you made. Now, if you have any questions or want to kind of tease out some anything that we discussed in the podcast today, please reach out, contact me. I would love to discuss that further with you, and until our next show, remember sobriety is a family affair.