Jan. 23, 2025

Addiction and Family Dynamics

Addiction and Family Dynamics

Joseph discussed excerpts from the book Alcoholics Anonymous, focusing on the chapter "To Wives". He highlighted two key points: abstaining from worrying about what others think and staying away from taking sides in arguments involving family members who are drinking or using. Joseph emphasized the importance of introspection and self-reflection in addressing addiction, and how participating in a twelve-step community can help individuals overcome their pride, self-pity, and vanity. He also mentioned the book's suggestion that putting spiritual principles into practice in every aspect of life can help solve problems related to family and addiction.

Transcript

Hello and welcome. I'm your host, Joseph Devlin, and today we're going to discuss excerpts from the book Alcoholics Anonymous, and the chapter to wives. So let's get at it.



0:19


So I was reading these passages in the first edition of the book Alcoholics Anonymous. Again, the chapter is two wives, and there was these two points that really came out to me. There's a question in there that says like, Do you worry about what others think of you? And don't take sides and arguments with family members when the person is drinking or using



0:45


and those are just two really big questions or even asks of people. And to give you a little background on that chapter, if you're not familiar with it, it's really designed in the book Alcoholics Anonymous to really address kind of the Al Anon really, really the family behind, you know what the family can do for the folks who have a loved one who's in an addiction. And



1:12


you know the thing I love about the 12 step program, as well as the book Alcoholics Anonymous, you know, for me, when you when you're looking at these resources in this way of life, it's really about, how do you respond? How am I as an individual really responding to this chapter? So even though, yeah, technically, it's addressed to the family, but really, anybody who's sitting in a 12 step meeting, if they're in a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous, they have the opportunity to reflect on their own lives, and how does that really pertain to them? And, you know, going back to this, like, hey, having these two big asks, like, Hey, do you worry about what others think of you? And, you know, I think about the family, and it's like, yeah, absolutely. The family, you know, they have a loved one who's an addiction, and they are worried about what other people are thinking of them. Like, oh my goodness, do my neighbors hear me? Are they seeing somebody you know come in like, stumble in from the car? Do they hear any arguments that are happening at the house? What are family dinners like? What are, you know, what is our vacations looking like when we go out to holiday parties? What's that like? And so all of these things have been such a direct impact on the entire family, and it's saying, Hey, listen, man, if you're worried about this, there's going to be there's a way to live free from all of that.



2:45


And the other thing it makes out the suggestion of, don't take sides and arguments with family members when persons have been drinking or using that is so hard to do, because I know just even you know siblings, brothers and sisters fighting, or, you know, a spouse is fighting with the children, or vice versa, like all these things that the chaos that somebody in addiction actually causes, and sometimes it's not even the argument,



3:15


you know, that they're really causing. It's just like the way people are responding to what's, you know, how, how they might be acting like somebody shows up to the dinner table and they're intoxicated, right? Like, all of a sudden this argument ensues, and it's not about choosing sides at that point that is so hard to do. And it's like, wow, like you're asking in these are big asks of a family member, and



3:43


to me, I stay Wow. Like, how do you go about doing this? And again, this has everything to do with taking this introspective look at at your life, and it's, you know, the mind, the body, the spirit, in short, like, if we're looking at those areas, that's that's going to help impact the way I'm going to respond to anything. Also, I look at the societal influences as well



4:09


are extremely important. And when I say societal, I mean, like, the community in which I'm living in. And I just want to make sure I'm making a caveat that, like, by no means, like, if there's, you know, if there's physical or mental abuse going on, like there, you just, you know, you break away from that. But I'm talking about just some of those arguments that can ensue, where somebody might be making fun of somebody because of, you know, the way they're passing the catch up, or just that they're slurring their words, or something of that nature. Or the low hanging fruit, you know today is people know how to get other people riled up by beginning to talk about politics or religion, you know, like, and it's like, hey, let's not, let's not take side in those type of arguments. And again, how do we do that? It's a but those arguments I I'm going to make a point.



5:00


Right? And say, many times those arguments are almost set up by the person in addiction to deflect from their actual addiction and what's going on. But also it happens even with family members to not address the addiction they want to point the finger at somewhere else. And let's start another common argument, and it really diverts us from what we're really looking at. And that's really that, that problem of addiction and



5:26


and it goes, Hey, you know, throughout this chapter, it kind of talks about different ways to being free from some of this. And I want to say is, like in the text from the original text, you know, it reads this this point, it's, it's talking from the point of a treatment center, and it's really a hospital at that point. And, you know, back in 1939 you know, they're going to a hospital, and it says that the hospital, it released four people who had the alcoholic problem, and everyone at that hospital was expecting all of them to return, and only one returned.



6:09


And for me, I say, okay, you know, if you're listening to this, and you know what it's like to have a family member who's steeped in addiction, you're like, wow, those are really great statistics. Like only one returned out of four of them. Like, that's amazing. And they're like, you don't know the person that I know. Like, you don't know, like, what their the level of their addiction, the problems that they're having,



6:33


you know, like, there's no way, like, they would be that one person who would return. But, you know, I like to think that it's like, you know, those three people who didn't return got engaged in Alcoholics Anonymous at that time. They got surrounded in this fellowship, and they got surrounded with beginning to do work on themselves. And when we do that, we can have this shift and this change. So even that person that we think that is hopeless and was going to need to return to the treatment center, they won't have to.



7:08


And, you know, in, you know, that process of somebody who's in that addiction, you know, there's just as like that. The beginning of question I asked, and that that was in the chapter, was saying, Hey, listen, you know, are you worried about what? What other people think?



7:27


You know, the person who's steeped in addiction, they have this pride, this self pity and this vanity that are going on, and I believe, they're all addressed when you go, when you walk into a 12 step community, and you really participate.



7:42


And the book in this chapter makes the case that, hey, if you're a family member who who's experienced any of those things, like the argument, or, you know, worried about what other people are thinking, hey, there's some pride, there's some self pity, and there's some vanity that's going on there for yourself as well. And one of the many ways of being able to address this is by putting spiritual principles to work in every department



8:12


of our lives. And the book this chapter talks about, you know, when, when, when they do this, it solves the problems too. So solves the problems of everybody, so and when you solve those problems, the book goes on to say, through the ensuing lack of fear, worry and hurt feelings is a wonderful thing, nothing will be so helpful as a radical change in attitude toward God.



8:42


So those are spiritual principles and this radical attitude and change towards God, you know. And I find that like when we're able to take this shift and this idea towards God, I find that like really we by doing this, we lose ourselves really only to find ourselves. And another way of saying that is that we lose our old way of thinking to a new way of thinking. And this chapter talks about this idea, this new way of thinking, of being one of patience, tolerance, understanding and love being the watch words.



9:25


And when those are the watch words to my life, this concept of live and let live becomes the rule. And for me I say, I say, man, in order for me to live and let live, and I want to emphasize that live and let live, not Live and Let Die, right? We're not going to, you know, I'm not going to give permission for my loved one, who's an addiction to die. I'm going to put some like boundaries up there and to help them, you know, with their shift and their change, to choose life over death,



9:56


in order for me to really be at that place where.



10:00


I can let people have these other opinions. I have to be really confident and who I am, and like my morals and my values



10:08


need to be defined, and I need to be able to have that confidence in order to really stand in that place, to have that patience, tolerance, understand and love for for another, for another human being. And you know, this is like when I'm understanding myself, and this is where I say the program, in itself, gives you the opportunity to really identify what your values are, and your values may be family and loyalty and respect or love.



10:41


You know, belonging, belonging somewhere. You know, these are all just suggestions of some of those, those morals and values, and you'll see how that will, that will run my life, will make my decisions on where I want to go to. So,



10:57


you know, I want to say that, you know all of these things, when I say those morals and values, goes back to that idea of practicing spiritual principles in all of my affairs, and that is something that can be worked on and tugged upon throughout your life, and really and I help people define that, and I help people to be able to see what they are and to see how they're Making choices in their lives to make,



11:22


make those morals and values come alive in their own life and for the people around them. And in this book, you know, if, like, the idea of God, you know, kind of stings you a certain way, which happens with many other people that I work with.



11:40


This chapter goes on, it says it would be a silly idea that we were too good to need God. And I that lands for me because, you know, I was, I was listening to somebody named Chris Langan. He is, he's, he said he, right now he's considered the smartest person in the world. And there's this interview that he has, and at the very end of this, like three hour interview, the interview, the interviewer asked this question. You know, people are going to ask, What should I do right now? And without a pause, Chris's answer is, search for God. Ask God to develop a personal relationship with you.



12:24


He's go. He says, be receptive, and your soul can connect with God. And coming from the smartest man in the world, that really landed for me, and it's such a great connection. It's just ask God to develop that personal relationship with you was one of those things that transformed my life when I when, when I was early on in recovery, was asking God for this relationship with him, and that right there is a spiritual experience. Because



12:58


these experiences, God's going to open up the door and he's going to draw yourself



13:05


nearer to him, because God is just waiting for you to really say, hey, I want to you know I'm open, develop this relationship with me, and it's going to be through those experiences and you acknowledging them and you being receptive to see them, that is going to change your own spiritual journey. And I say this, there's nothing, there's nothing more impactful



13:29


than the experiences that you're going to have. You know, I look at, you know, one of the main reasons why the Roman Empire came from crucifying Christians to becoming Christians. It was the encounters that they were having, and they were acknowledging them, and they were seeing them, and they were receptive to them.




13:50


I challenge you to go ahead and ask God for that.




13:58


the book closes the chapter with this thought. It says, if repetition is to be prevented, place the problem, along with everything else in God's hands. And for everyone, that's going to look different. You're going to have these different experiences. And right after it says that, it says, you know,



14:19


you know, we realize we've been giving you much direction and advice we may have seemed to lecture, if that is so we are sorry for we ourselves don't always care for people who lecture us. And for me, that's so important.



14:34


Look, I know how lecturing came across, like when I was in my addiction, I would lecture people about whatever, why I was in an addiction or a problem or start an argument. I was also lectured by other people on how to stop and to do those things, and it just I don't like it, and the majority of us don't like to be lectured to, and we kind of turn it off, and we don't hear what the person is actually saying.



15:00


Yeah, and I know through a lecture, rarely does it cause the heart change, that heartfelt change. And



15:07


you know, please hear my heart. The reason why I started doing these podcasts,



15:12


it was never to lecture people. It was really to help people to avoid the pitfalls that I had and the difficulties that I have, as well as, hey, here were some things that I know I've helped people through, and that their lives have dramatically changed in such a positive way because of it. So I'll leave you with this here today. I'll challenge you with, you know, hey, at least choose one of these three. And you know, hey, maybe you're going to pick up the book Alcoholics Anonymous and read it, you know. And if you have any, you know, struggles with reading the chapter or anything about wanting to develop a personal, you know, relationship with God, or anything that I discussed today, hey, outreach to me. Happy to discuss this further with you. And last thing I'll say is listen, ask God to develop a relationship with you and watch and acknowledge what he's going to do, write it down and because it's going to be in that and not acknowledging that you're going to see even more and more of him. So I want to thank you all for being here with me today, and remember sobriety is a family affair.



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