Taking Back Our Personal Power as we Journey Back to Ourselves | ETS04

Welcome to the end the silence podcast. I'm your host, Sandra Payne. As an RN and holistic wellness coach working with nurses. I'm uniquely positioned to hear the struggles, the deep passions and the stories of nurses, our silent heroes. Many nurses suffer with burnout, depression, anxiety, PTSD, substance abuse and suicidality. And they do so in silence. Nurses are the ones we turn to for help when we need it the most. And this is a heavy burden for them to carry. This burden. The pervasive bullying and unsupportive culture of our healthcare system means many nurses have lost their voice. These are their stories. Hey everyone, Sandra Payne, here, your host of the endless silence podcast I'm so excited to share with you today's guests Victoria Laetare Ma. She is a holistic nurse medical intuitive, and the founder of vital life nursing. Victoria's nursing career started in 1994. In Russia, after immigrating to Canada in 2004. She updated her nursing degree to meet our Canadian standards, and has had extensive nursing experience that includes ICU, anesthesiology, and community health for a nationwide company. Since 2015. Victoria has been on the holistic nursing nursing path to discovering body uniqueness and potentials. And in 2019, she founded vital life nursing, where she delivers holistic health services to individuals and businesses through education, advocacy, and navigation. The chain of her own personal transformations coupled with observing the traditional medical system approach to health, set her up on the path she's on now, using a holistic approach to help clients understand the correspondence and interconnection of our systems and organs in both our physical and mental body. In other words, she helps to show you how it's all related in all spheres of your life, both personal and professional. Welcome to the show, Victoria. Thank you. I'm so happy to have you here. So of course, we met last year through the Canada Health Alliance, which I'm sure will come up later in our conversation. But let's kind of start off by hearing a bit more about your story. So coming to Canada, in 2004, from Russia, I mean, that had to be a huge transition. And I'm of course curious too, about how the healthcare systems contrast. But even before that, like just tell us a little bit more about you.

Yes, so I came in 2004, because I wanted to immigrate to Canada. And it was a program that allowed people with medical background to become Canadian permanent residents and then citizen of Canada later. So I used that program. And I came worked in the family. And I my plan was while I was working, I wanted to upgrade my Russian diploma, nursing diploma to Canadian standards. I didn't know that the systems were so different. And I had to take some extra courses. So it took me a few years before I was able to become a nurse here in Canada. And while I was upgrading my diploma, I saw the differences. For example, in Russia back then, I shouldn't talk about Russian medical system nowadays because I just simply don't know. But back then, when I was taking nursing in Russia, we used a lot of holistic modalities, for example, Coppin, which, here in Canada, its traditional Chinese medicine doctors, they use carbon, for example, right? Or mustard Robin, I don't even know if people know what that means. But all of those things were taught nursing, learn those things at school. And I think every person should, okay. Hold on a second, I need to close my males because they're going to be popping out. All right. All right. Oh, where was I left? I can't remember the flow.

You were talking about like the traditional aspects of like nursing and in Russia, you can just start start on something we'll figure it out.

So when I was taking nursing care, I saw that it was nothing about palisade was a lot of administrative policies and procedures and the communication This is patients which which I think was lacking in Russia, in Russian system, but so when I upgraded my diploma to Canadian standards, I started working in the community. And then when I worked before I had my children, I was like, Oh, I just want a nine to five job. Just go to work, finish everything and then go back at home just so that I can forget about everything. But then when I had my children and I worked, I didn't have any time to be to be spending with my children. I had no time left. So I was like, Okay, what's the point? So that's when I started to look into things, how to change my personal life and career, and looking outside of the traditional nursery what I could do, and that's when I started discovering many, many different things. That's where I didn't know before. Because, you know, when we are going to school to become nurses, we learn a specific curriculum that every single nurse has to learn, but we don't learn anything outside of that. So all this additional knowledge you need to take from somewhere else. And there's a wost there is a huge knowledge out there, which we don't know, let's look for it.

Yeah, yeah, I couldn't agree with you more, I think back to, you know, six years ago, is when I kind of, I talked about, like, I kind of started by holistic journey. And up until that point, I just all I knew was our traditional, like, our health care system here, right. And, you know, kind of the treatment aspects like we are a symptom, and we treat the symptom, and then we send you out the door, and you come back with another symptom, and we treat that symptom and then out the door. And that's, that's all I knew. That's what I was trained in, in nursing. That's what I was working in, in nursing. And it wasn't until I started to go down my own kind of path of uncovering these different avenues, these different modalities, these different practices that could, you know, in my own personal case, was to do with my mental health. And it was like this whole new world of information and just practitioners and so, so many things, and I was like, you know, now I sit and I often talk about, like, why don't we teach this stuff? You know, I have a list of things. Why don't we teach this, you know, not even just in nursing school, like to our kids in school, like in high school, we should be teaching some of this stuff, right. And just, it's it's such a, it's such a contrast, when you start going into those other areas of health and really kind of deep diving into different knowledge that is outside of what, yeah, you know, the the curriculum that they teach us, and then we get put into the system, which is very much, you know, in a box. So yeah, I hear you on that. Tell me a little bit about, you know, your, some of the struggles that maybe you experienced as a nurse, like what were some of the, the difficult times as, as a nurse when you were, you know, working in either the community or some of those other areas even?

Well, we'll speak about the community because actually, in Canada, I haven't had any experience in acute care, which is like, Thank God, I barely good work in the community, which community is where, you know, they come to people's place, and this is their territory, and we serve them. But the system have to be more flexible to say, even though it's not flexible enough to meet everybody, everybody's needs. But imagine in the facility. Imagine being a patient in the hospital, like it just terrifies me that God forbid, to have an acute injury or something and go, like, sometimes I am been a patient and when I go to have some tests done, and when I see how a medical staff just, they don't know your name, they they just ignore you when you sit in there, and they talk between each other. Like there is no personal approach. And maybe it's just my experience, I don't know. But I have had many clients of mine in the hospital in the last few years when I was already doing my business. And it's a miracle if you get in the hospital and you get discharged. Honestly, like sometimes it could be miracle because, again, comparing Canadian system and Russian medical system, I worked in the intensive care in Russia. We used modalities that here. They're almost unheard of like we had a bariatric chamber for our patients, few of them, and people who were in the intensive care unit. Were using those oxygen therapy. Here in Vancouver, we have a couple of facilities, this hyperbaric chambers, and they're really pricey. If a person wants to get this therapy, one session, I think it's about $300 and you need 10 Maybe 20 of them. Whereas in Russia, it was in the hospitals. I know we have more than BJH but I don't know the requirements in the waiting list. It's probably enormous. So the struggles I had hear in the community was all this, you know, the system will not be flexible enough, were patient due to shortage of staff due to different different different reasons. And that was long time ago when I worked in the large national company, it was about 10. Seven years ago, we finished work in there. And that was nothing compared to what it is right now. For example, the community staff could come for two hours only, and then they will leave. And the rest people had to, you know, find other arrangements, for example, or is right now this shoe this, this shift is 45 minutes. So in 45 minutes, a caregiver will come into housework, I need to provide so many tasks. So you can imagine, it's nothing like sitting with a person, for example, I'm talking about elderly care, right, nobody will see the person and talk how your day is you simply have no time for that. It's just in and out. And of course, it's not the same quality of care. And that's what made me think about private care, because the your traditional, subsidized care, government care is not does not meet the needs of elderly.

Yeah, yeah. When you think back to that time when you were doing that work, and, you know, even though you were given even more time back then, but still, we're struggling to have that quality care, and that quality time with the patient's right to have that personal level of attention and to get to know them, right, like really, you know, not just in their ticking off the boxes of the skills and the tasks that you have to do but taking time with the actual human being that is there in front of you. How did you? Like how did you notice that impacting you, in your life, like being, you know, not able to provide that kind of care that you wanted to do.

And that's when it started is all this holistic approach and vital life nursing nursing idea? When I was working, I started seeing the disconnect, and it doesn't make either make me feel well, I knew that all for example, I already knew a lot about pharmaceutical industry. And I knew that there is way more damage than their effect. Because people need to understand every time you take a pharmaceutical, it treats one aspect of your body. But it inevitably changes data, right chemical. It's a chain reaction, right? So that's why our elderly again, I'm talking about elderly because that's where I worked the most when I was in corporate world. If you look at the bubble pack, elderly have every single maybe not every single but 90% of them have Tylenol for them. So they vote for for chronic pain. What is the chronic pain from? Well, because they have done that a lot of times just because it's a side effect, I'm not going to go into clinical details. But that's what this chain reaction, so they will have medications, for initial medication for something, then it's up, it's up. And so and then I will think while if a person goes on the detox, and detoxes all of that. And then of course, somebody who's 90 years old, one time this lady told me like, I don't care if it is addictive. I don't have many years to leave. So I'm gonna take it for the rest of my life. But it started making me uncomfortable because I thought well, there are better ways. And again, maybe not for everyone, maybe not everyone will sign up for them. But there are better ways. And I wanted to work with people who still want to look for those sweets, who still want to we're open to discover what else is out there because myself I didn't know I didn't know that but vaccine highly damaging to our children. I didn't know about the connection because again, nobody taught us that in medical school. And when I had my first child I even sign up for the program. So will you believe it Sandra I signed up for a program is Mr. Children Hospital to discover something about some kind of vaccine and the you know, the study group. I was dragging my child there for the blood test and he was only a year old and crying but I wanted to bring change to the society in a better way. from a different angle from a different angle. Right so and then it just happened coincidentally that I skipped some of the vaccines and I watched Louise he she had this Louise he Uruli I forgot how it's called when she had 100 professional speaking country professionals from medical world from spirit be trolled. They were sharing like the podcasts and shared interview. And that's when I learned so much about natural medicine and the connection, that our stress in the lifestyle and how that affects our life. So then when I already knew more than they had known before, and I still continue being in the world that delivered the different model, that's when the disconnect started really coming on the surface. And it took me a few years to completely create the system and start building something new, or at least as much as I could. It took me a few years, because it's not something a person, not every bond probably can jump the cliff. So but this disconnect started building up when you believe in something. And when you know that whatever else you do, is not reflecting your beliefs, that's when your own body starts crashing. And that's, that's what happened to me. And at one point, I realized that's stupid, I preach something, but I don't walk the talk. And so the decision had to be made. And, um, that was the best decision I've made to

Yeah, yeah, I I relate so much with what you're talking about. I, you know, and even, I think about, you know, I was working, I've done a lot of work in the community as a nurse. And when I started on my own journey, and I started learning about all these things, I started doing my own healing, I started to see the shifts and the changes in myself in my energy and my focus in my control over myself and to see, you know, also on the on the whole realm of medications, the negative impact that those medications were having on me, although I'm not against medication, I think they have their role. But, but you're right, it's just one upon another upon another. I mean, we used to have patients come in with a bag full, and they would just give it to us, I didn't even know what any of them were. And so then we'd spend, like, you know, 2030 minutes looking through these meds and calling the pharmacy and calling the doctors like, just to try to sort it all out. But in my own journey, it was like, I had done so much work that was outside of how I had been treated my whole life, and started to see things in such a different light. And then when I went back, because after my last Matt leaves, so he's almost he'll be five this year, I get all screwed up with the dates. But anyways, when I went back, it was really it was really confronting to me right to have to be put in this position where I'm doing. And I'm providing care to people in a way that was like, No, this, this doesn't feel right to me, like we could be, we could be talking about these aspects. Like we should be having a whole hour session with these people talking about their stress, like talking about their grief. I mean, this person just they lost their wife this year, like what what kind of care have they had around that, right? Instead, it's just pills and tests and treatments. And I was like, I had a panic attack. Actually, one of my first shifts back, I was sitting in the clinic room with a doctor and another nurse and the patient. And the doctor was just like, just wanted to push down his agenda. And the patient was just asking questions, which I felt were very relevant and his right to ask, and I felt my entire body and like the room closing in on me, I felt like I was gonna throw up, I was shaking, and I left that room. And I was like, I can't do that. That's it, I'm done. Like, I cannot go into that, that realm again, and subject people to that when I know deep in my heart, that they deserve so much more, there's got to be another way. And that started me on this road, you know, of providing care in this way that I do as a coach, just showing up for people in, in the in the capacity that I feel is my best gift to them, right and mental health and emotional health. That's my realm like that's where I am trauma. It's really where I spend a lot of time. But it wasn't until actually last year that I was even given language to what I had gone through and what it sounds like what you went through as well, which is moral injury. Right? There was this video that went around and people were talking finally talking about it. It's not that it's not researched, and has you know, language and, and documentation of moral injury, moral distress, but it's not talked about, like I cannot remember a moment in nursing school where they talked about moral distress. But what I have learned is that it's inevitable. Every single healthcare worker will go through it to some degree, it's when something one of your internal values something that you hold really true and important to you is confronted with something you have to do as a health care provider, right. And so then we're left with a choice. Do I do this thing and sacrifice my values, which we often do, right, because we have to we have to do this thing. Or do I courageously say no I'm not doing that it doesn't feel right for me, I think we should take another, another route another direction. And you know, even I my mind swirling because it's such a, I think it's such a hot topic and it's so relevant to so many nurses, even more so today as we're facing like these really moral and ethical dilemmas and health care. And, you know, I think back to when I was in the NICU in my first years of nursing, and I was confronted, you know, and I, and I was at a point where I was defiant, like, I was saying to doctors, no, I'm not doing it. No, I'm not doing it. And I was getting a reputation. And then I knew at that point, I was like, I gotta get out of here. Like, this is not an environment for me. But I didn't have language around it, I didn't know that it was even something I could get support with, or that there was other options. So I love that this conversation is happening, because what I think so many nurses need to know is that they have an option, that you don't have to continue to sacrifice your values in order to be a servant in order to be a healer and someone who helps support people in their health journey. Right. So yeah, I don't know if you have anything to add to that. But it certainly gets me wrapped up. Yes. And

I think right now, it just happened on a global level, as you could see it on a universal level, not only you know, in healthcare, not only in Canada, not only in North America, it happens everywhere. And they probably have heard anybody who I don't know, put a little time to get on the spiritual work, that it's a shift in consciousness right now. It's a global shift in consciousness. And probably some people have started because consciousness, it's not something sitting in a jar, and then just open the lever. It's an energy which, which comes, it comes in waves, and then it may, you know, kind of like you feel kind of normal again, and then it comes to shift comes. And for some people, it's started even way sooner, like I don't know, if you, for example, follow for example, Laurie a lot. Like she talks about things which I listened to her talks. And then a couple of weeks later, I'm like, oh, yeah, that's what Laurie was talking about. So she's like, ahead of many of us. She gets those messages, she goes through those changes and shares with us because when it started two years ago, it started quite intense. Because it just reached this certain point, I guess, right? But the shift is happening in every single person. However, probably those who did not feel the shift at all, could not feel any discontent with delivering something they don't believe in, I guess they just believe in what they deliver. Because many people see how unethical the medical system has become, I don't know, how can you not see? And if you truly don't see, I guess that's just not gonna happen. Can we be able to clear I don't know. But there are values which been violated even before the 1020 As you were saying, when you went back and the doctor didn't answer the questions of the patient, that it's just so commonly happening and I have a friend who is a nurse, and right now she's going through some which I think it's post vaccine injury she thinks as well because she started having some neurological issues and then right now some heart concern concerns and for heart they did an ultrasound and all of that and they look at her for tests and looking for for for for some interventions and they don't have an explained to her why. And she asks question and they look well yeah, we just need to see something like she's a nurse she can understand it even if they give you like a simple information, but they don't give her any information. So imagine somebody is nobody medical background, when they book you for a test, you believe in the doctor you believe you believe a nurse like can be even the medical system because and you know, it's rightly so when I go to for example, to my hair appointment, I don't need to tell you how to cut here and how to put you know, things here, like it's normal. When we go to a professional, we just kind of like give our the trust this person and we give our you know our self to them. But this shift is happening as well, not only in people serving but people receiving service. When you give yourself completely to another person, whether it's a naturopathic doctor or medical doctor or a nurse or holistic nurse doesn't really matter. You do not have any responsibility. That's when the danger is happening inside of you. And we kind of like gradually came to the private medical system because people believe that medical systems should be and again I'm not gonna talk like, you know, political things here. But right now, I believe that the shift is absolutely inevitable for everyone, not only for medical staff, but for patients as well. People have no responsibility about their health whatsoever majority of them. Not everyone, but majority of them. We, they just simply trust the system and trust the professional. But we are not involved in the decision making. And that is sad. That it like, the responsibility is a huge piece in everyone's house journey on any journey, right? Yeah. That's what, that's what is happening right now. Like, we need to ask questions, we need to start asking questions, we need to understand that our house, it's only our house, if somebody tells you Well, that's what you need to do. You have the right to ask you have the right to disagree. Another thing that a lot of times people are so terrified, like depends what kind of things they hear from different nationals. Right, they're not in the position to ask. And that's the biggest. To me, when I look from from the above the system, this is the biggest pain for me, because people just simply don't have capacity to advocate for themselves when they're in distress. I'm talking about patients right now. No. Oh, yeah. If the patients are neurosis, right, people just they're so stressed. They're so in, in a low that they don't have strength advocate for themselves and navigate the system. Yeah,

yeah. And we've just been taught to give, you know, essentially, what I what I hear you saying is like, give our power away to someone else in complete trust that they have our best intentions. And I'm not trying to say that they don't have your best intentions in mind. But you, you know, I do feel like this as a nurse. You know, working with patients, when I was in the community, I was I was always I'm sure you were to always advocating for them to ask questions like, Okay, well, this is happening, this is happening, you're telling me Have you told your doctor? Well, no, he said that, you know, this is what I have to do. And it's like, no, you need to have an appointment. And you need to tell your doctor about what's going on. Because they you know, we just I think there's also a fear, like there's this power imbalance to because we've given so much away that when you get into like that healthcare arena, there's like, okay, just have to go with whatever is happening. And then you leave and you're like, Well, I have all these questions. And actually, I've experienced it myself as a nurse, you know, I went for a scope last summer or two summers ago. And I, when I left, I was in a lot of pain. And they didn't give me any information. They gave me a little pack, like a little pamphlet that said, Well, you've had a sculpt today, like it didn't give me any information. I was in severe pain for five days after. And I finally was able to track down a doctor who did the procedure, because I didn't even have a name for because of the way the system was working. Last year, I didn't even have an appointment, I was seen on camera on a video call, booked in for a scope, met the doctor that day, and then was sent home with severe pain and nothing, no information or nothing to do about it. But I didn't even ask, you know, in that in the hospital, when I was there, I you know, as somebody who believes strongly in advocating for ourselves and for speaking up, I didn't ask. So I think sometimes too, it's so overwhelming, right in the whole health care arena. And it's like, we feel like we don't know anything, we don't trust ourselves. And so we give it all away expecting that they are going to know what we need. And we and so I think a big part of that, too, is trusting ourselves. And building that building that muscle of like listening to ourselves like this doesn't feel right. I'm going to ask some questions about it like this is making my gut feel a little bit like, something's off here. Right, I should ask about it. But so there's, I mean, I just wanted to throw that element in there too. Because I, I think it's I think it's also relevant, like we're not advocating for ourselves. And then we're also afraid, when even when we feel those little sparks of like, something's not right, I should ask.

People need to understand that when we it has to be the energy exchanges everything. So if you give your power to someone to receive a service, your pain is your power. People always say well, you know, medical system should be free because we pay our taxes. Well, the taxes we pay, like only a small fraction goes to medical system to you receiving care because again, this is the system and not people from a function in the system is the system itself is so complex, that it's it's just it's not It doesn't see you, you are like an ant in their Skytower. Like, nobody will, you will not get anything from the system just because you're a little thing. So, but when people go, for example, if you go somewhere and you pay money, in your receive a service, you pay you exchange for your service with the money, and then you have responsibility and the power of vision you because you are a paid customer, when you go to any government service. And I don't want it to be political and crush the government. But it's true. Because I look at that I work with energy, I look at everything as the energy exchange, because every everything is energy, even anything which is solid, it's energy, it's just condensed energy. So if you're if you expect to receive something for free, because you because you're entitled to that, you need to understand that your pain is something else. And that's what I think in the global and maybe it's a really, really new conversation. But it's truly, it's truly how it is. And I haven't seen it clear enough yet. But there is something to that medical system has people using it because of the exchange of power, like people give their power to the medical system, if they don't contribute anyhow, with this anything. Yeah. And it doesn't have to be money, but you need to you need to pay attention to that.

But everyone, you know, this kind of like a great opportunity to segue and share with us a little bit more about like, what your what your services are like now, right? So you have explored this whole different realm of health. And even though you know, we we talk about holistic health and nursing, and we talk about it, but it's not really the reality of our of our healthcare system. But now you've taken you know, your knowledge, your experience working in our traditional system, and and have taken it and explored something new for yourself and are offering services services in a different way. Can you tell us a little bit more about what that's looked like for you like starting, you know, starting a business and going out on your own and how you've kind of evolved in that way.

So it all started to Psychosomatics. Because when I was stressed, and I understood that, if I my internal self is not aligned with the external, if I'm generally not aligned with external that starts affecting me. So you probably can relate to that and mental health and stress how stress affects us on the physical level. So I started studying Psychosomatics and new German medicine and discovered that pretty much, not pretty much but every single condition, physical condition has a set of psycho components to that, and then somatic component joins in. But then I went deeper. So after Psychosomatics, I started studying quantum medicine, with Bruce Lipton and Joe Dispenza. Those are the most widely known professionals they they talk about. So in the last two years, actually is 2020. So imagine if everything else happened in here, I went to the quantum medicine and quantum field is so cool, because in the quantum field, there is no past and the future everything exists at once. And then you could understand that our house is not only what we do, and what we eat and all the stress, but also there is a huge influence from our past generation, or maybe even further than past generations. So all these imprints in our DNA, like the color of our eyes, for example have or the resemblance physical exam. That's right, like if you look like your grand father or grand mother. So if you have a physical appearance, similar to a relative's, you have to make sure that you can be sure that you have some emotional components the same as them. And so that's what I started combining, as Mike said, a psychosomatic knowledge. And so I work right now as individuals who want to resolve some long standing issues, health issues, not to replace anything else they do, but to supplement it with the psycho, psycho component to say, and I also that's one out of my area of my business. And also I discovered again, in the last two years that many medical professionals feel the same as I do, that they don't belong to the system they don't want work there, they want to do something else. But they don't know how. And because I built my business in 2019, I started my, like solidly my business, I have had business own side, this corporate career for many years. But then until the 2019, I completely quit corporate world. I wasn't even contracted by any other company, I just focused on my own company. And that was before 2020. Right? So and I was able to build it organically. And I thought, okay, if I could do it, like, if I been an immigrant, and have an English as my second language, could build a company that brings, supports my livelihood, and I could help other people do the same. And so that's what I started just building in the last year, the tools and the system for other healthcare professionals who want to build their own business, or build their own practice. Because this is something we don't know, how do we know because that unless we have some business degree or anything, but I don't have a business degree, I have a lot of experience, and I've trialed a lot. You know, funny. Every time I say to someone that I'm a nurse, they asked me What hospital I work in. And it's been four years and I'm like, I haven't even worked in the hospital in Canada. But that's the question I get asked. So there's a still understanding in the population that in yours, it's somebody who works in the hospital and does the I don't delivers pills and gives injections for example, but it's not true.

Yeah, there's so much more so much more potential. And, you know, I just, I just love how you have, you know, it's very similar actually, in what I do, too, is like, just taking my life experience and, and seeing the, the need in our, in our peers and our colleagues and trying to translate some of our own personal experience to them, so that we can not necessarily make it easier, but like pave the road, kind of, because I do believe that, you know, even as I reflect on my, my journey as a coach, and you know, I started my business in 2019, as well. And it's the bumps, and the, the challenges I've gone through I think are important, because they help us to learn along the way. And they, you know, there's always a revelation that comes when any, whenever I hit a challenge, or you know, something, something doesn't go the way I had hoped it went, there's always something there for me to learn, there's some kind of opportunity. So, you know, I've looked at many, there's so many coaches, right, it's I mean, it's really starting to boom as a field. And I think it's a really amazing route for a lot of nurses to transition into, because we're able to provide, you know, health and wellness services to people in a framework that suits us, and that we're able to have this flexibility in this flow to what we offer. But, you know, as I see, as I see that a lot of nurses right now are thinking about, is this where I want to be right, like, is this what I want to do? Does this does this align with me anymore? And I think a good number of them are, are sitting with, no, it doesn't, but where do I go from here, you know, and then then sinks and all this doubt and all this fear. And I believe you know, in in the whole journey of creating a business, I often say to people, if you want the quick route to self development and growth and healing, become an entrepreneur, because it will put you up against every, you know, every belief system, every limiting mindset that you hold your trauma, and all of those like it will, it will force you in a really beautiful way to deal with the stuff that helps us to become more whole as a human being right. You know, I'm seeing this come up with a lot of my clients too in the program I run and just, you know, I'm talking about like, is there like, is there other options? Like maybe I could provide, you know, private respite care? Maybe I could do this kind of nursing, but, but there's so many layers of fear and doubt. And it's like, you know, how do I take that leap? And so I think that programs like this where, where you're, you know, you're kind of setting the stage for them. It's not giving them a roadmap that's like you can this is everything you have to do because a lot of it you have to figure it out on your own right? But it's like, here's the foundation.

We don't want to give anybody where they work because I don't know where the nurse who started the business or with the I don't know a patient unless they're disabled and they're not able to do that. But our job people who help and like helping professions, whether they are nurses or coaches wherever we call ourselves is not done the them and like I was like, that's what you need to do. Because again, you remember that responsibility. It doesn't matter if you give a responsibility or total power to your medical professional to an MD or MD, oh, well, I'm such a holistic person. I work as a holistic, whatever, coach, but then I don't do anything I gave my power like that will be holistic coach's fault if I fail, no, this is, again comes to this responsibility piece. And they're just happening right now on a universal level, whatever is happening to us. Responsibility is a huge key and the huge, like indicator, how much power we have left and how much power we need to get back? And how much? How much? How much, you know, transformation still needs to be done.

Yeah. Yeah. It's, it's, it's such an interesting thing, right to just, I'm sure listeners will just be trying to wrap their head around that the whole concept. And, you know, taking responsibility, I call it owning your percent. It's like, what, what, what's my role in this? I'm not powerless, but I do believe like powerlessness and hopelessness is a really, it's like, an undercurrent in so many people's lives that and not just in healthcare, and just so many different things that, you know, it's it's, it has been a tough two years for everyone. But let's be real, it's it was tough before, like, things were not good before. This is just, you know, I think you kind of alluded to this too, earlier. It's just like, kind of pushed it all to the edge. And it's like, we're all at our threshold, and we're being faced with, I need to shift something, I need to do something differently. Otherwise, you know, I don't I'm not sure what, how life goes on, right? I'm not sure how I get through this or pass this if I don't start doing something different. And that is a really, I think, a critical time for people to it's like, you know, I talked about as being on that edge because they're recognizing I can't be here anymore. I can't do this anymore. I have to do something different. But there's also this like, I don't even know what that looks like, what is what is different? How do I get there. And so you know, when you're in that place, it's it's scary, but it's also really freakin exciting. Because you're on, you're at like the juncture of something absolutely magical for your life. Or devastating if you choose not to listen, and take you know the opportunity, take some of the risks deal with your pain and your trauma and your fear and your all of it. Right. So yeah, it's such a such a good talk.

Look, when we given you were still employed than when I was still employed, then remember those times, you work, you work, you work, you get caught in that thing, in that matrix, whatever we call it. And then sometimes, for example, you go on vacation, and then you're like, you've detached, and you're like, Oh, my God, the life is different. Because it's truly, our brain is really flexible to adapt to things, right, and then develop the biochemistry and everything. So when you get detached, you really conceive the possibilities and the different life. And then you remember when you're going back from vacation, like oh, I don't want to go back to work because it's going to be the same. And then you the first few days, you're like, you just like everything drives you crazy. And then you get sucked in again, on the same vibrational level as everyone in the office. Now people don't want to go to office. I don't know how people work right now like that. I remember that. That thing. So it did happen even before 2020 It just right now everything is more intense. And it's happening. It's happening to more people, probably to everyone in different aspects. But yeah, it's really cool. So what advice should we give to those people who are on the, like, how can they get detached? I think, you know, it's fear common, I asked the question, I'm answering the thread now. Like, when you're on there, like when you're on the crease, or when you are over here and you don't want to be there but then you don't know what to do because you don't see their own. What do you do? What do you do?

Well, it's a great question. I you know, I often share this guided visualization I record it it's called the journey journey through the canyon of hope. And it's it's something that just came to me as I was reflecting on a time in my own personal journey where I wasn't at the edge but I could track it back I was in the base of the canyon, which was where all the it's where all the dark shit lives. It's where you want to run you're like back away, like I don't want to go through this anymore. And so I can see you know, these different stages of the journey I'm sure it's been laid out in so many different other you know, metaphors and frameworks by other people that just you know, they just, we just magically receive this information or download or whatever you want to call it. And but when I think back to like, the edge Which is where you're standing where you're, you know, you're like you're talking about I don't want to be here anymore. I don't I don't want this is not what I want for my life. But then you're looking over the edge at this canyon, you're looking across the canyon and you're like, how do I get there? Like how do I even start? And that's where I'm like you have to start. And I would wager I would wager everything that if you ask an opportunity will come if you ask for help if you say I don't want to be here anymore, right? It's gonna make me emotional. Yeah, you have an internal decision I don't want to be here. I need help help people arrive you know, people listening to this podcast right now. Help is right here. Right like we we have these opportunities that flow into our awareness all day every day and it's But the kicker is take it right take an opportunity take a risk, spend some money, invest your time, find support, like all of these pieces, ask for help and it will it will be delivered. But I also say I guarantee it doesn't come in the package that you want you know, we want easy package we want like quick fix, make it better, don't make it painful. That's not reality. No, if you want to go from this maki maki maki place that you're in to this bright hopeful, you know endless opportunities free, peaceful joy if you want to go to that it's you're going to have to go through the canyon. So

by you know, going through pain of course it's painful and nobody wants to go through pain that's why you know people use different tools not to go through pain because of course, but it is. I don't like this word uneditable but so our body we don't have just one physical body we have many many many bodies seven of them are the most famous like the most commonly used and next to our physical body there is a low astral body that's where all the pain leaves all the fear all this anger all the low vibrational emotions and low vibrational beings and before we get to the higher astral they have to go through this lower astral so the My journey started many years ago. And it didn't start like that started with like little dips in and out on the in the blood consciousness, right. But I went through so much pain and even still like go through pain. But right now my pain is on a different level. Like I'm getting out of those attachments which which are not needed. Because eventually, like I don't know, there's an ultimate stage. I don't know if we're gonna get to the ultimate stage. Una in this lifetime, maybe maybe not. Who knows. But the ultimate kind of goal is for the person to be okay with himself obviously yourself. There's nothing in the that. I found there yet. But what am I going through right now? It's different, right? But when you just start yes, you're gonna go through a lot of tears and a lot of crap. And that's fine. Take it as purging you need to purge you cannot put anything new. If you are full of the stuff which needs to get out. It's a good thing purging. I don't know you some meditations go to pure. You can not travel right now. But find some shaman or whatever call Sandra. I'm calling myself like do something you need to get through this pain. It doesn't have to last forever. But it's actually a really beautiful expense. It's a code yoga. You hate it because it's so hard and discomfortable. But you feel so cool after right?

Yeah, yeah, it's a it's a great comparison. And I I agree with you. I don't I don't think there is an endpoint. I'm not. I'm not convinced in my own life, like in this lifetime that I'm going to reach an endpoint. But I also you know, I think you know, if if I come back in a different body that I'm that much closer to that endpoint Nirvana, if you will, like are that you know, that that highest state where you don't have attachments, and you're not, you're just living in this complete peaceful freedom, which I mean, we all want. And so the fact that we all want it, I think, also demonstrates that we are all on a same journey. It's just we're all at a different stage and what I find myself sharing with people, particularly my clients, because, you know, when they start working with me, I, I'm, I'm not like a I'm not fairy dust like this. It's hard. It's hard work. And there is a lot of purging. There's a lot of crying. There's a lot of pain. And you know what I share with people? Actually, I was sharing it this morning with a client. It's just that it gets better. It doesn't get you know, It's not that the pain stops and like you just magically reach this place where you don't have to deal with any more shit anymore. That's not right, we are so many layers, and we just keep getting deeper and deeper about what happens, at least with my experience, and that I share, because I think it probably applies to a lot of people, maybe everybody is that, because we grow through those painful healing experiences, we get better at dealing with them, and we get more equipped and we get more like solid in ourselves. And we have a different support system, you know, external to us like people that we can turn to we also have like different internal strength and resources that we have really tapped into. So then when you know shit hits the fan, we we might still spiral and you know, be you know, in the mock is what I call it and like just be, you know, devastated, crying, angry, all the things, but you, you catch it so much faster, and you shift out and you're looking for the opportunity and you're able to be curious and you like, you know, you use all of your tools, whether it's meditation, journaling, or whatever, you just use your stuff to try to move through it. And then it's like, it doesn't knock you out for months. It maybe takes you out for you know, a couple days, maybe a week, right, depending on the severity of what's happened. But, but I just that's what I try to relay to people is like, right now, if you're in the beginning, it's it is hard. So be supported. Don't go at this alone. Like I can't say that enough to people how critical it is to have a good support team of people who you can lean into who will just hold space for you for all the all the mock that comes up, because it's probably not going to be a lot and it's overwhelming. And if it's not painful and overwhelming and you don't have support, are we going to continue? Probably not right will turn and run in the other direction. It's like no, give me the give me the pharmaceuticals give me the bottle of vodka, give me the chips give me the all the things that can turn this off. So tell me Victoria, like if we were to, you know, leave the listeners with some insights or some tips around how to deal with stress and the emotional overwhelm. And you know, we've touched on so many different topics I'm not even sure what what else to mention there. But like if you could give people like your your top three takeaways like your top three tips for for nurses who are listening, who are struggling, who are maybe going through some of this moral distress, moral injury, this imbalance between you know, the work they're doing and what feels true and right for them. What would you what would be those, those tips or insights for you.

You said three, only how long but it's a little rough, right? Look, we all need to find who we are. Once you find yourself, everything else will be built on it. That is a lifetime journey. Finding that's what this layer is and going deeper. But if you are in complete disconnect, and you just started feeling not well, or like somewhere very, very, very inside a few you don't like gossiping, but you cannot avoid it. Because when you go to work, that's what the nurses do during the break or whatever. Like I'm just giving examples like, you know, understandable examples to nurses, they might not be applicable to you. But once you know yourself, once you understand what makes you feel uncomfortable, start looking for what makes you feel comfortable, that will be the beginning of the journey to know who you are, if you already know what you are in what you like what you don't like, then start build your life around that. Again, it's just so multi layered and multi, multi dimensional, it's like for example, that will be you. And if you look from over here, that's what you will see if you look from over here, that's what you will see. It's a process. But start that process and you may be on step number 25 and that your nose then number 535. And the journey was once you start that journey, your toes will grow. Stick to journal, but I hope it's clear enough, right? But that's exactly what you were saying that you know it will be painful now, but you will have more you will be more equipped the next time or you will have you will have more strengths. And so basically all this have a focus on the inside of you. But the outside that will be your responsibility actually the outside of our world is the reflection of the inside world for sure. That's for sure for sure for sure. So if you don't like the outside, see what inside of you makes you to attract that outside. And as I said it's a journey. For example for me a lot of a lot of work and a lot of focus on me to pay, it's on the self esteem and the self value how value myself because the outside world, you know shows me different things, which, which you may not even understand that because I don't value myself. But now when I know the tools in a local, I know, what I've learned in the last three years is how to translate, like how to translate, for example, what you see what inside a few is there, that makes your outside world to reflect that that's the language I learned in the last two years. But that's, it's applicable to everyone. So start paying attention, when in your inside world and the outside and see what disconnect. Yeah,

yeah, I feel like that kind of boils down to awareness, right? It's start being honest with yourself about what you're going through about what you're experiencing about what in life is not feeling like it's aligned, right? If you're feeling that dread, that heaviness, that contraction that all of those icky things that make you want to just run in the other direction, that's a pretty clear sign that that's not something that's in alignment with what's best for you. Right. But you know, of course, the the, the journey from knowing that to changing that is, is that's the mass, right? That's all of the, that's all the mock.

But one more thing. So, you know, they actually, it's all those experiences, and all those triggers, and their music husbands or abusive boss or whatever, but or whatever. Those are not good things. But we shouldn't be thankful to them. Because imagine if they were not there if I mean, if you didn't see them, you wouldn't even know that there is something for you to look inside. But those are just indicators that oh, the same as the physical pain, the same as the, you know, illness, right, or any kind of health disturbance. When we have physical pain, it's just the the language bodies that the body uses to talk to us. So the same as the outside world. Those are just flags or lights for us to know that something needs to be changed inside of us. So when you look at them, like, oh, again, I mean, of course, it's annoying. They could still say, oh, again, but at the same time, like, Oh, thank you for showing me that. Okay, I have some work to do. Yeah, yeah,

it's a it's actually quite a magical shift, when you start to be able to see that I just personally experienced this, this past week. And, you know, it was like, the the shit hit, and I spiraled. And I was in that place, like crying and very upset and feeling hurt and betrayed and all the things. And then I was, like, you know, in so much shorter of a time, it was like, I was all of a sudden looking like, why. And I write in my journal, what's the mirror holding up? And because I believe the same thing, it's a reflection, it's showing me something, there's an opportunity here. So what is it, and just getting curious. And I found myself, you know, like, that day, I don't even think it was the next day, that day that I was experiencing this big assault on so much of my life, and I, and I was fine. I was in gratitude. I was, I was feeling grateful for these, you know, people that were showing me something inside of me. And it was like, you know, in this journey through the canyon of hope, when you get to the other side, you see all you see 1000s More canyons, but instead of feeling scared, and like, again, you're like, which one's next? Like, what? Where do I get to go next? What do I get to learn next? What do I get to heal next, it becomes exciting. And I think that is like, you know, the hope on the other side is like, of course, when you're in that really awful, dark, dreadful, mucky place, it feels impossible to get to the other side, and to ever have this kind of a framework or an outlook on things. But if I can do it, and if you can do it, anyone can do it. Like nothing. Nothing makes us any different than anyone else. Aside from possibly the willingness to go into it, or the willingness to take that step off the edge. And be honest and start looking at things. Yeah, such I mean, we could probably go on and on there's, there's so much here I just absolutely adore you and everything that you you bring you that you've brought to this conversation but just also that you bring to the world. And just really, you know, seeing seeing you in such an authentic presence and like just living your life. Seeking not alignment, seeking truth and just being you know, the I don't want to say the best version of you because wherever we're at is the best version at this point. But like the most actualized version, right, like the most fulfilled the most alive version, and it's just a really beautiful thing to witness. And I'll say, you know, Mirror Mirror, right? That's what I say a lot of people that are that comment to me on Facebook or whatever, and say you're such an inspiration, I'll be like, thank you. But you know, just so you know, that's a mirror you're holding up. And so I, I'm thinking that about you and I, and I hope you're thinking back about me. And just so many pieces of this conversation have just hit for me personally, too. So I want to just give you a chance to also share with the listeners, how they can find you, and how they can work with you. And just all of those, you know, all those pieces that are helpful, and I'll put it in the show notes too, so they can have those links.

There's my website, I just built a new website, I have a nursing website, for my nursing business for my elderly homecare business, but the one I'm focusing on right now it's vl hollistic.com. So it's like vital, like holistic, but one word real holistic.com And there's all contact information there and I'm on Instagram. I don't do Facebook for sure it earlier, but maybe I'll come back to I do Instagram right now. And my website.

Awesome. Yeah. And where do we find you on Instagram? What's your Oh, that's what it's called at least

Victoria Hollis underscore hollistic maybe you can just share because my Victoria suppose differently.

Yeah, of course. Yeah. So all of that will be in the in the show notes for the episode. As well as you know, as I go back through and listen, and any other you know, nuggets that we've dropped of links or resources that could be helpful. That'll be shared there. So I just again, I really want to thank you for being here and for just being you and dropping all this wisdom and you know, alternate thinking, for for the listeners to consider. So thank you so much.

Thank you, Sandra. And thank you so much for everything you do. You started. You started first. So you on this journey personally and then joined in and you have enough. You have enough strands and vision and love to continue working that that way. So I thank you for that.

Thank you. I personally want to thank you for taking your time to listen to this podcast. It is my truest honor to sit with these nurses and witness them tell parts of their story. We as human beings have a deep need to be seen and heard. And this is my way of helping nurses in particular find their voice. Please know that the opinions shared in this podcast are those of the individual sharing them and not a reflection of any employer or regulatory body. We are sharing our truth. And that may not always resonate with you. But I'm guessing if you're listening that something has rang true for you in this podcast. Our Stories offer healing and create connection to things that we as nurses need as we navigate the jungle of a healthcare career. So thank you for being witnessed. And if you feel inclined to reach out to the guest on today's episode to offer validation and appreciation, you can always find their contact in the show notes as well as other links to the offerings of Sandra pain wellness. If you'd like to be a part of the community, join our private Facebook group surviving nursing. And if you'd like to share your story on the end the silence podcast Be sure to reach out. When we can come out of the shadows and into our light. We can create the change that is needed. And when we do this work together. We are so much stronger. Thank you for listening