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Sleep comes to us automatically – like the next breath, or the next heart-beat. The question is – what are we doing to welcome it? Three aspects that influence your sleep are your environment, your body and of course your mind.
In order to make sleeping a welcomed task we have to first start thinking about it differently. As in not being something you have to get to or do or a task that needs to be mastered but rather like the French writer Jules Verne says – see sleep as a friend!
Join me on this episode of Get Real today as I address the difficulties many of us face when it comes to sleep and what we can do to avoid chasing it but instead allow sleep to approach us.
Dr Friedemann’s Takeaways
Intro (00:00)
Imagine Sleep Being Your Friend (5:12)
The REM Sleep (11:13)
The Mind Struggles The Most (16:53)
Enjoy The Sweetness Of Life (20:37)
Meet Dr Friedemann
Learn more at: https://DrFriedemann.com
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LINKEDIN: https://www.linkedin.com/in/drfriedemannschaub/
Friedemann Schaub, MD, PhD, is the award-winning author of The Fear + Anxiety Solution. Dr. Schaub has helped thousands of people with his Personal Breakthrough and Empowerment program to overcome their fear and anxiety by addressing the deeper, subconscious root causes of these emotional challenges.
Are you looking for more from Dr Friedemann? Check out his “Your Accelerated Breakthrough Program” https://drfriedemann.com/breakthrough-program/.
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The Dalai Lama said, sleep is the best meditation.
Unknown:Well, for many of us, in fact, 40 million Americans have us
Unknown:that form of meditation is really hard to master. Do you
Unknown:also have problems sleeping, you may know this phenomenon, so you
Unknown:are ready to turn in the days then. But just the thought about
Unknown:going to bed already makes you anxious and nervous. Because
Unknown:there's too many times when you were just laying awake, tossing
Unknown:and turning or trying to be still because you didn't want to
Unknown:wake up your loved one. And just struggling and fighting and not
Unknown:knowing what to do because you just couldn't fall asleep, or
Unknown:you wake up after a couple of hours. And then at one or two
Unknown:o'clock in the morning, you cannot fall asleep. And all
Unknown:you're thinking about is why why cannot sleep, what's wrong with
Unknown:me, tomorrow gonna be a horrible day, I will never be able to
Unknown:perform or do what I need to do. Because I don't get enough rest,
Unknown:I feel more and more miserable. This is not a way of living, you
Unknown:know, that mind spiral that you probably have been dealing with
Unknown:if you have been struggling with sleeping for a long time. And at
Unknown:some point, you don't want to actually go to bed because it's
Unknown:almost like you have developed a phobia to your bedroom, or to
Unknown:sleep itself because it's just the excruciating, painful
Unknown:experience every night, sleep becomes your nemesis. And your
Unknown:bedroom becomes a torture chamber and you just don't want
Unknown:to go there anymore. But you also don't know what to do. And
Unknown:I completely get it because I had sleep issues, especially
Unknown:when I was in my early teens when I went to high school and
Unknown:really got in trouble for bad grades and a lot of pressure was
Unknown:put on me to improve my you know, scholastic performance, I
Unknown:could not sleep in front of a tab before a test I was again
Unknown:tossing and turning and turning just so scared of if I don't get
Unknown:enough sleep, I will not be able to answer the questions in the
Unknown:test and they will have another bad grade and I will get another
Unknown:another rundown from my mom. And the only thing that helped was
Unknown:my cat, a big 30 pound cat called lumpy because it was
Unknown:really lumpy. That cat could sleep anywhere I could have
Unknown:placed it on Time Square and it would have just fallen asleep.
Unknown:So I took the cat put it at the end of my bed. And I just felt
Unknown:so much more comfort by hearing it snoring and breathing and
Unknown:just being completely still. Somehow I was able to find that
Unknown:as my gateway to sleep and lumpy didn't mind apparently. Well not
Unknown:everybody has a lumpy and actually not everyone likes
Unknown:cats. So what do you do and that's what I want to help you
Unknown:with today I want to help you to change your mind around sleep so
Unknown:that you're not so afraid of it anymore. And that sleep becomes
Unknown:more something that you feel empowered with than a topic
Unknown:where you feel hopeless or helpless about and for that I
Unknown:want you to focus on three different aspects that I find a
Unknown:really crucial for sleeping. One is the environment and the
Unknown:habits we have when it comes to sleeping. The other is the
Unknown:physical body. And the third of course, the the mental emotional
Unknown:part of us. What can we do on all three levels to really
Unknown:improve our sleeping? Let's think about sleep differently.
Unknown:The I think a lot of people feel sleep is similar to anxiety,
Unknown:something you know really difficult to grasp. It either
Unknown:comes or not it's there or not. And you never really know. Now
Unknown:well you don't want to have anxiety attack you you would
Unknown:love for sleep to comment, but it feels very much random and an
Unknown:obscure.
Unknown:So what I want you to imagine is sleep being a friend, just like
Unknown:shoe Baron, the French writer said sleep is a friend.
Unknown:Sometimes you know the friend lead says waiting but sleep is a
Unknown:friend that comes every night and it's our job to create a an
Unknown:environment so spatially, but also physically in mentally and
Unknown:emotionally, so that sleep has an easy time to arrive. And
Unknown:feels welcome. Because after that you don't really feel like
Unknown:sleep is, is, you know, again, something that you have to
Unknown:either chase after or wrestle down. It's more like an
Unknown:invitation. And we can make that invitation every night. And
Unknown:every night, you can feel like, yeah, sleep is actually
Unknown:something that comes naturally. Because the fact is, sleep is
Unknown:natural, it is as natural as knowing that you're gonna have
Unknown:another breath, that once you exhale will be followed by an
Unknown:inhale, or it's as natural as your heart keeps on beating, and
Unknown:you don't have to control it, you don't have to focus on it,
Unknown:it just happens. And that's the same with sleep. So sleep will
Unknown:come, you just sometimes chase it away. I have chased it away
Unknown:plenty of times, because I put too much pressure on myself. And
Unknown:you may have chased it away in other ways, like, for example,
Unknown:with your environment. The other day, I asked a client to show me
Unknown:her bedroom, because she talked about she wants to create more
Unknown:order in her life. And when I asked her she really blushed and
Unknown:said oh, well, yes, but there's usually nobody coming into my
Unknown:bedroom. So it's it's kind of cluttered. Definitely a little
Unknown:understatement. But the problem is, there is somebody coming,
Unknown:and that is sleep. And of course you know you are coming into
Unknown:your bedroom. So see your bedroom as the reflection and
Unknown:how you want to feel when you go to bed. Look at your bedroom as
Unknown:a Zen temple, that is easy for you to relax, because everything
Unknown:that you have laying around all the clutter, all this you know,
Unknown:the books and the underwear, and whatever you find is something
Unknown:that your your mind gets stimulated by, it's a trigger,
Unknown:your mind sees those things, and somehow it doesn't feel relaxed,
Unknown:because there's really nothing to do. It feels like Oh, I
Unknown:should do the laundry. Oh, I maybe I want to read this book
Unknown:again. Oh, what is that I don't even know what that is, oh my
Unknown:god, I have like old food here laying around. You know, that is
Unknown:where your mind goes. And that's why the environment is so
Unknown:important to be relaxed and Zen. I find it also important when
Unknown:you think about the environment to have it of course in a
Unknown:bedroom, equipped with a nice bed, nice pillow is good
Unknown:mattress, have your windows hopefully, nicely shot and
Unknown:darkened so that there's not too much light coming in. Try to
Unknown:have either something that cancels out the noise. Or that
Unknown:you have a little sound machine or something you can put into
Unknown:your ears because quietness and darkness are just that natural
Unknown:gateway for sleep to come. And then also make sure that you are
Unknown:creating maybe a little ritual in your environment, I like to,
Unknown:you know, have a nice little lavender oil scent, either in a
Unknown:diffuser or in a spray, lavender relaxes you. And for me, it's
Unknown:always a reminder of the prevalence. And that's you know,
Unknown:where I feel home. And it's also good to have a little candle
Unknown:maybe lead before you go to sleep as a sign to know now it's
Unknown:this moment to unwind or you have a fountain and you're here
Unknown:this is water, just nicely calmly splashing, all of those
Unknown:things are reminders for yourself. Okay, I am now winding
Unknown:down and going to bed. So that's the environment. That's
Unknown:something that's very simple, right? I mean, you can easily do
Unknown:this. Now, how to prepare your body for sleep to visit you.
Unknown:First of all, if you cannot sleep chronically, it's always a
Unknown:good idea to go to your doctor. And check out if there are any
Unknown:underlying physical issues like a thyroid issue, or you have an
Unknown:allergy or maybe you have asthma or you have reflux. I mean,
Unknown:there's a ton of physical problems that can prevent you
Unknown:from sleeping anemia, for example, or maybe you're into
Unknown:menopause. Nothing really that cannot be resolved, but it's a
Unknown:good idea to check it out. Also really think about your body as
Unknown:something that naturally loves to sleep. I mean, you know there
Unknown:is just a desire for the body to rest it needs it just to you
Unknown:know the patient parasympathetic nervous system is necessary for
Unknown:healing for filling up our batteries for restoring energy.
Unknown:That's what happens when we are resting and sleeping. So the
Unknown:body naturally does it, but we are usually pushing against it.
Unknown:So if you feel like many of the French people here, it's a good
Unknown:idea to drink an espresso right before you go to bed and then
Unknown:wonder why you cannot sleep? Well, it's pretty obvious or
Unknown:during the day, and then when you're just feeling like you,
Unknown:you have to somehow get energy back with energy drinks, or any
Unknown:kind of stimulants. And at night, then you feel okay, I
Unknown:gonna wind down with some heavy alcohol or smoking some weed or
Unknown:anything else, it's not really helping your sleep rhythm, it's
Unknown:all kind of getting to 180 kilometers or miles an hour and
Unknown:then wanting to go to full stop. And it's very jarring for your
Unknown:body. And especially when it comes to drugs and alcohol, it
Unknown:prevents you from really getting into this deeper REM phase,
Unknown:which is the the dream phase. Actually, it's not the deepest
Unknown:phase of sleeping, but it's a very important phase of
Unknown:sleeping, rapid eye movement, sleep. Often, when we do take
Unknown:drugs, we just skip it.
Unknown:And then, you know, this is where our mind, especially our
Unknown:subconscious does all the dumping, and forgetting of the
Unknown:day, if you haven't been able to dump this out, then you're
Unknown:naturally feeling not very rested, you feel still as if you
Unknown:had worked all night long. And so it's not the same result as
Unknown:if you have a natural occurring sleep forcing, it doesn't really
Unknown:work that well. Dehydration is also something that your body
Unknown:often really responds with some kind of lack of sleep or lack of
Unknown:rest. So what you can do is drink enough water and not any
Unknown:other substances. And make sure that you are relaxing your body
Unknown:getting your body ready. an acupuncturist once told me when
Unknown:I was pretty stressed about, you know, my business and my book
Unknown:that I just finished at that time, he said, you know, the
Unknown:best thing you can do is just take a shower at night, you
Unknown:know, maybe at the end, you just turn the water and the warm
Unknown:water off and just have 10 seconds of cold water, which
Unknown:really works well. And imagine that as you take the shower, all
Unknown:the stress and all the gunk of the day is washed off, has
Unknown:worked like a charm, beautiful thing. What happens is when you
Unknown:have cold water, whether you know, not everyone likes to have
Unknown:a cold shower, but whether it's a cold shower, or you're just
Unknown:dripping cold water on your wrists. Cold water stimulates
Unknown:that Vegas nerve, which is the main nerve of the
Unknown:parasympathetic nervous system, this relaxation part of the
Unknown:autonomic nervous system. It's a counterpart to the sympathetic
Unknown:nervous system, which is all about fight and flight and
Unknown:stress. So to stimulate this, any cold water, the feet, the
Unknown:legs, the rest, even drinking a glass of cold water or having a
Unknown:cold shower. All that stimulates the parasympathetic nervous
Unknown:system and automatically gets your body more ready to rest.
Unknown:Another way to stimulate stimulate this parasympathetic
Unknown:nervous system is by tapping above the upper lips, or gently
Unknown:pulling on your ears. You know, just like for five, six seconds,
Unknown:the beautiful feeling actually feels really nice and it does
Unknown:relax your nervous system this this part that really is
Unknown:necessary for us to go into that sleep state. humming works to
Unknown:stimulate the Vegas chanting on scientifically proven stimulates
Unknown:the vagus nerve, the parasympathetic nervous,
Unknown:parasympathetic nervous system, it's a tongue breaker and
Unknown:ultimate sizing your feet, which my wife is so good at, she can
Unknown:massage your feet and just you know, get totally blissed out.
Unknown:And that's how she really gets into that relaxed state. Another
Unknown:one is breathing. Of course, if you're breathing slow, Andrew
Unknown:Weil has developed this 478 breathing where you inhale for
Unknown:four seconds, hold for four seconds, exhale for four
Unknown:seconds, inhaling through the nose, exhaling through the mouth
Unknown:with a little sound. It also really works very well because
Unknown:it calms your entire system down. And lastly with a body
Unknown:what I think is also nice Is this progressive relaxation,
Unknown:where you're tensing up certain parts of your body, you know,
Unknown:you tense up your shoulders, and then you relax them, or you
Unknown:tense up your hands for five seconds. And then with the
Unknown:exhale, you relax them, all of those can be anchors for your
Unknown:mind. I mean, for your body and your mind, that this is now
Unknown:clearly the time for us to create the landing pad for
Unknown:sleep, to visit us. I don't want to promote any, you know,
Unknown:product here, but one thing I really love, and you might want
Unknown:to check it out, because I certainly benefit from it a lot.
Unknown:It's called the dodo, it's this little blue light that shines to
Unknown:the ceiling. And you can breathe with with a light as the light
Unknown:gets brighter in size, you know, for a period of six seconds, and
Unknown:then it gets dimmer for a period of six seconds. That also, for
Unknown:me, is Justin super nice anchor, it took me a couple of weeks.
Unknown:But now, you know, at the beginning, I was following the
Unknown:light for five, six minutes, now, it's a three, four breath,
Unknown:and I fall asleep. So in other words, we can make our mind
Unknown:ready
Unknown:to unwind, and to be that inner environment, this physical
Unknown:environment for sleep to come. And then of course, the mind,
Unknown:you know, that's the one that struggles the most, especially
Unknown:if you had trouble sleeping and, and just seeing sleep no longer
Unknown:as something that you know, is deprived or you're deprived from
Unknown:or is something you have to fight with. But really seeing it
Unknown:as a natural friend that comes to you can take the pressure
Unknown:off. A lot of people that are not able to sleep, including
Unknown:myself, the problem is not sleep, when asleep is in some
Unknown:ways, you know, a symptom, when we are not able to sleep there
Unknown:is a symptom of something we are doing, or something that happens
Unknown:during the day. And, you know, if you would eat a big
Unknown:cheeseburger, you probably you know, don't want to go to bed
Unknown:right away, because maybe you would feel some indigestion. And
Unknown:if you think about what we are doing with our mind, before we
Unknown:go to bed, it's sometimes similar, right? It's like, okay,
Unknown:I want to wind down so I just gonna watch another CSI or a
Unknown:walking dead or whatever it is, and stimulate my mind with
Unknown:tension or stressful situations. Of course, it's entertaining,
Unknown:definitely is a nice distraction from whatever happened during
Unknown:the day. But your mind who takes especially the subconscious,
Unknown:everything literally and in some ways, everything personally, for
Unknown:your mind, you have been just fighting zombies or resolving
Unknown:crimes or getting away getting away from from a murderer. It's
Unknown:not very relaxing environment. Same thing if you go and, and
Unknown:check on social media, because you're thinking, well, that's
Unknown:gonna definitely wind me down. Well, your mind is looking at
Unknown:other people's lives. And there's definitely a part of
Unknown:your mind that says, oh, their life is so much more
Unknown:interesting. They have so much more fun. It's so much more
Unknown:colorful. They are also much thinner than me what's wrong
Unknown:with me, you know, yourself, I know myself. So it's not
Unknown:necessarily what the mind needs to realize, Oh, I'm safe, I can
Unknown:relax, I can let go. Because for asleep to come, we have to have
Unknown:our mind in a set point of surrendering, letting go and not
Unknown:looking at anything complicated or anything that doesn't seem in
Unknown:our control or is too stimulating. So at least 60
Unknown:minutes before you go to bed, no screens, no screens, TV, phone,
Unknown:pad, whatever, no screens. Instead really be present. Be
Unknown:present with your cat, your dog, your children, your beloved,
Unknown:your pillow, whatever you want to do, you just got to be
Unknown:present and you are using this as a winding down. It's you
Unknown:know, mentally emotionally. Most of us are 70% of the day not in
Unknown:the present moment. Like we are swirling like little helicopters
Unknown:through our lives and and never really touched ground. So these
Unknown:60 minutes, get you back into your body, get you back into a
Unknown:place of centeredness and rootedness. And then you
Unknown:naturally feel more open to receive sleep because your mind
Unknown:So let's go. Now, there are, of course, also phenomenons like
Unknown:this one that I found super interesting. It's called sleep
Unknown:procrastination. And that's when we are not wanting to go to bed.
Unknown:11 o'clock midnight, we just feel like oh, we're just, you
Unknown:know, starting the day, I was working all day long. So I want
Unknown:to have a little fun, or I'm just a night owl, that's who I
Unknown:am. Well, it's not necessarily the case, what happens often is
Unknown:that we are so in task during the day, we are working
Unknown:so much for something or someone and don't have enough fun that a
Unknown:part of us is just says, What about joy? What about just
Unknown:letting loose, what about living a little. And to counter that,
Unknown:basically, or what this part is doing, basically, it's just
Unknown:keeping you awake at night, because it feels like this whole
Unknown:day was so long and so boring and so hard. So let's, you know,
Unknown:enjoy the sweetness of life a little bit. And if you want to,
Unknown:you know, work through this kind of sleep, procrastination, which
Unknown:can be quite an issue, especially when you get this way
Unknown:out of the natural sleep rhythm, because you overriding your
Unknown:desire to sleep and stay up longer than you need. And then
Unknown:the whole rhythm is screwed up. Try to have a little fun during
Unknown:the day, just realize, Oh, I got two tents, I got too serious, I
Unknown:was just not even realizing that I hadn't eaten in eight hours, I
Unknown:totally ignored anything that you know, was maybe more
Unknown:meaningful than the job I was doing. I didn't listen to you
Unknown:know, someone calling me and talking to me about what's
Unknown:what's going on in their lives. I didn't even you know, notice
Unknown:that it was already time to go home, I'm still here sitting at
Unknown:the desk. And whatever it is, just realize that kind of
Unknown:procrastination that also can lead to insomnia has basically
Unknown:the message for you that you have to find a little bit more
Unknown:balance in your life, and not be so on achiever and overdrive
Unknown:mode. And that's the same. When you are not able to sleep there
Unknown:is a there is usually a message behind it. And for me
Unknown:personally, it was about pressure, I put way too much
Unknown:pressure on myself, I really believed that I can only find
Unknown:love from my parents or get appreciation from them. If I get
Unknown:to be the best in class. And that pressure from not being the
Unknown:best in class by far was just overwhelming. And a lot of
Unknown:clients that I'm working with at half sleep issues, tell me that
Unknown:their thought is about that they cannot really be there for
Unknown:others, my family doesn't really benefit from me when I'm tired,
Unknown:my job performance will slack off. Or I'm just not you know
Unknown:good anymore for you know, my friends because I don't want to
Unknown:go out anymore because I'm just too tired. So they're thinking
Unknown:about this performance idea that life is a performance and they
Unknown:put a lot of pressure on themselves to perform. And if
Unknown:they cannot perform because of sleeping, the pressure only
Unknown:mounts because they're feeling they have to do it now and this
