From 911 to Peace to Empowerment with Self Defense Expert and Speaker, Jennifer Cassetta

Welcome to diner talks with James slide into the booth and let's have conversations we never want to end with friends we never want to leave over food we probably shouldn't be

my friends what is going on? Welcome to another episode of diner talks with James. I'm James and I'm pumped to be here kicking it with you y'all. If you're watching on YouTube right now my hat looking fire but I tell you what, for those of you that aren't watching it, that's okay. You'll see it on the Instagram sometime. But I'm pumped to be here with you all kicking it in the diner slide into the booth. What are you have you want some cinnamon toast? What do you need eggs benedict feel fancy again, I like that about you. Maybe just want that class. It can be two eggs, give me some bacon, Camille hashbrowns whatever you need my friends. It's a diner. We have everything from Matt to random T bone steaks and nobody orders but we're pumped to be here with you. And I'm pumped to be here with a good friend of mine who I have not seen in a number of years. Because a our paths haven't crossed and B there was a pandemic but I have been watching her. Not in a creepy way in a supportive way in a holy shit. She's amazing kind of way. And I'm excited for you to get to meet her and I'm excited to get to know her better as well with you. Her name is Jennifer casetta. She is a nationally recognized speaker empowerment coach and a self defense expert. Equipped with her three year third degree black belt in hapkido. I'm Quito. Are you kidding me? First of all, that sounds like a fun thing. It sounds like a children's game. You want to go outside play some hockey though? Sure. Let's go Rick anyway, but it's clearly more badass than that. I'm excited to ask her more questions. In there. She's been teaching 10s of 1000s of women how to take their power back from predatory behavior and power up their minds bodies and spirits for over two decades. She's been kicking ass for two decades, probably more than that, really. Because you kick ass for a while many realize you could charge money for it. But she's been featured on The Today Show. Doctors Rachael Ray featured expert on ABC, my diet and my by my diet is better than yours. She's taught Jenny McCarthy, Marie Osmond, Bethany Franco and even Carrie Fisher. Princess lay herself had a kick ass while wearing their favorite heels. She's also just a dope conversationalist, and she's got a brand new book coming out called The Art of badass hurry, and I'm excited for you to kick it with her right now. Shout out to Jenn Cassetta what's going on, Jennifer?

Hi, James. That was the best intro ever. I'm so excited to be in this diner. You know, for years I've been watching you. And I at some point I was like, Is he ever gonna invite me into the diner? And then when I finally got your email it's like yes

that's what we got to tell we had to time with the book release ready to help you out here you know I'm saying maximize it you know, I'm super super pumped to have you in here. It is a long time coming. But know that you have been on the list. You didn't just get on the list. So so much love fam much love Gentle, gentle How you doing today? What's going on drought in California, right?

I'm in Santa Monica Los Angeles. Loving it with some blue skies and you know, it's always 70 and sunny here kind of.

Yeah, it gets a little boring out there. Like the best kind of boring though because it's like at least permanently beautiful.

Yes, I know. cannot complain. complain about the weather ever.

Now are you a Cali native you born and raised in Cali?

No, no, no, I'm New York just like you. The state of I didn't grow up in Manhattan. But I grew up in a town called Mahopac, which is an hour north of the city. Okay. Yeah, but my family's from Long Island, so I used to spend a lot of time there.

You got plenty time along I look at you alright. All right. Go ahead, though. Mayo Pak. Is that up the Hudson River or is that a little further west?

So it's the Harlem line if you take the Metro North straight on the east side of the river,

beautiful, beautiful area town.

Yeah, yeah. Well growing up there. It's kind of boring. But now going back and like oh, it's pretty and there's leaves and land and stuff.

I don't do is like I get it. Child. You is like what am I supposed to do on Saturdays?

Get me out of here. Take me to the city. I remember being a little kid and all I wanted to do was be in Manhattan. I would dream that I had my own apartment. I had a vision of it. It was all white white couches, white rugs, and I had a big job. Shepherd. That was my dream as a little kid, I swear to god,

that was the dream. That's amazing. Yeah, doorman saying welcome home is casetta that never happened. But did you ever live in the city? Oh, yeah.

For 15 years. Oh shot okay. I went to school in the Bronx where you also I think you were working for them, right? Yeah.

You went to Fordham. I worked before them. Yeah.

Right. Right. So we have that in common to look at this. Look at

this. This is incredible. I forgot that you grew up in New Yorker. That is my that's my dad. That is so fun. I mean, you spent some time in the BX here's what I loved about Fordham's Rose Hill Campus is that it's right next to Little Italy. The original Little Italy of of the United States really is in the Bronx, and my favorite place. My favorite place on Arthur Avenue, is I was walking down there one time, and I walked past a place called the Bronx Athletic Club. Now the door was open. And you look into the Bronx Athletic Club. And let me tell you, Jen is not one athlete in this place. A bunch of a bunch of Goombas in there were in their white white tees playing cards. And I don't Yeah, they're not exercising anything other than their right to sit around and comment on the neighborhood.

And lower sweatsuits. Yeah, yeah. 100%

Yeah, I didn't go in because I don't know if that's the kind of place you can go in without doing somebody a favor. And so I really wanted to go in there. I just want I want to do is go in there and hear stories. So

I love it there. I mean, the best food the best people watching, it's just so good. It's so good.

It is so good. I love it. So that's amazing. Now, so since you are a fellow New Yorker, you'll get this and I don't know if you still partake. But in New York, obviously, you know, you know your way around a diner. And so do you have a favorite late night? Guilty pleasure food or snack? Or did you have one if you have decided to mature? Yes.

So. So there's not a whole lot of diners out here in LA? Yes. Right. It's not a thing here. But back home in Mahopac was, you know, the diner, I can't remember the Olympic diner. It's called. And we would go there after high school parties or whatever. And my dish was always like the not a good protein. But french fries. smothered in gravy. Yeah. No, the brown gravy. That's it.

My American American cheese Eagle mozzarella. Mozzarella? Yeah, for sure. Come up. Look at my last name, James. Yeah, it is. Cheese. Cheese fries with gravy is just a classic. Yeah, Jersey likes to call them disco fries. But we don't talk about jersey on this podcast, so it doesn't matter.

Thank you. Disco fries. The name

so I'm trying to sound special jersey.

Do you hate when people get confused? Like I get this all the time, especially for my neighbor. Oh, you're from Jersey? Oh, you're from New Jersey. I'm like, I'm not from New Jersey. I get crazy about it.

It's the quickest way to set me off. I think it might be the quickest way. It's the most irrational way also to set me off. I recognize that but I don't want to talk about that part. Right. So funny. I love this. So I'd love this picture of you. As a as a young girl in Mayo pack. All she wants to do is have a completely all white. I'm like, I'm picture like Scarface level like granite everywhere. And a huge German shepherd with the bark that could echo through the walls of the Sistine Chapel. And, and this is your dream. So along with the vision of where you live, what it looked like, what did you want to be? What did you want to be when you grew up?

Yes. I wanted to be either a veterinarian because I loved animals so much. Or a waitress,

or a waitress, Greg,

and that dream came true. No one did. Yeah. So but when I was this little girl, I would play restaurant, I would play diner essentially. And I would write out a menu of all the things I could cook, which was like peanut butter and jelly and, you know, root beer float or whatever. And then, and this is so weird, but I had this little nightie and this little nightie and my mom's candy heels out there and my kids would know what candy heels were. And like How weird is that? I would go around this. This was in Montauk with my mom's best friend and we would go there in the summers and and I would like serve people and Play Play diner. That is

incredible. Yeah. That makes me so happy. We just got a we just got Rome who was nowhere near old enough yet for this I think it's like a three plus toy but I was like I'm buying it now I don't care but it's literally like a toy diner set. Like the pay the receipts it's got the right mugs it's got the sugar, you know the class sugar. Yeah, I cannot wait for him to get to work. So you want to be a waitress you said you wound up being a waitress or a server? Tell me how did that how did that come to be?

So when I was at in college at Fordham i Oh, again the dream was like, get out of the Bronx get to Manhattan like the goal was Manhattan. It was like the streets were paved with gold, or whatever. I don't know what I thought but so I would get jobs there. So at first like hostessing at this wing bar, like sports bar that served wings, I would come home like reeking of that barbecue sauce or whatever. And then these Italian restaurants downtown, and I started serving then bartending, hostessing, you name it, everything. I loved it. I love the hospitality industry so much. And I would still be in it if it if this whole other life path didn't happen.

Mm hmm. Yeah. So you were you were totally we're in it. Right. I mean, you jumped around from restaurant to restaurant you said you're hostessing to a serving to everything. This is a profession that teaches you the hospitality industry and especially being someone who is face to face with with a humanity. You get to learn so much about the humans on this earth. And I'm sure you have some stories of some some iconic individuals that you met. Are there any that jumped out to you?

Oh, yeah, well, so what a lot of people don't know about me is I also bartended in a hip hop nightclub. And my Yeah, my brother owned it at one point, and I was bartending there. This is probably the tail end of college or after college. And you know, bartending till four in the morning smoking cigarettes, like, like totally of who I am now. And making thug passions have you ever heard of that drink?

I don't. But now I need to know what it is when I some passion is patchguard Fashion great, even better.

Aleksei that pink. I was, and Hennessy and you mix it together. And that was a fun passion. And that was like the most popular drink at the time. Yeah. Never since but anyway. Missy Elliott, Maria, Mariah Carey piers bronze in it. broadening out a Reverend Al Sharpton came in and I served him like just completely random random events and people that I got to, you know, serve. Essentially, it was pretty cool.

That's amazing. And what a what a I saw where the list was going. And then we took a hard left with all Pierce there. And that was such a fun blog to us. As a comedian, we talked about the rule of threes, and you nailed the rule of threes with where it's like, pattern pattern. What? So that's awesome. So into hip hop in that were you into hip hop at the time, like, were you? Like, are you still like do you enjoy like, this has had to be 90s era hip hop, right. So we're talking like, really the golden age of hip hop, right? Biggie. Biggie pop Jay Z. I don't even know if that point there was so much beef between the east coast or west coast. I don't even know if you played West Coast hip hop. But But yeah, so it's a lot of nods a lot of Jay Z lotta Yeah. Incredible.

So good. And actually quick story. I remember being in this club, not where I worked. But out one night on Canal Street. I think it was called the canal club. And this is like, way back. And I remember dancing in the middle of Biggie, the junior mafia, and Jay Z. And like, like that's a memory I will never ever forget.

Although you were this is this mega personal quickly. You were dancing for them or just happen to be dancing by them.

Just in the same circle.

Incredible. Yeah. That is you just named a dream of mine. That would make me so happy like Jay Z is the goat in my book. it big. He's obviously up there as well. And

I was like, Who is that other guy like Jay Z wasn't like mainstream popular yet,

right? We audible doubt wasn't out yet leaving I mean even still Volume Two anyway, so I'm not going to get into it. Just got to hear it now. But that is that is so freakin funny. So you went from like, so were you doing that while you were also serving at these beautiful Italian restaurants were you like by? Yeah,

yeah, well that that particular moment I was still in college I remember that.

Got it. Yeah, that's amazing. I'm going to need to see photos at some point in time. Just in case you were wondering

pleather just think pleather

pleather that's all I need to know. I know there are no digital photographs from that time, but I need see something

that's amazing. So when you were so when you were little and then growing up in mailbag. You? Did you live with your mother and your father? Do you have any siblings? What would what would the household look like?

Yep, I'm the youngest of three. I'm an older brother and sister. Yeah, that's just life. And it was pretty normal mom and dad, great parents. Like no big dramas.

Yeah, they were like you go have you be a waitress? Go go. Follow your dreams.

Yes. Anything you want them

will pay $45,000 a year for them for you to follow? Then it was not back then you're right. When I worked there in 2010, it was 50. I think

now it's like 70 or something crazy.

It's absurd. Shout out to the Jesuits. The so that's that's beautiful. You grew up in this super in this loving home. And you go off to college afford and what was the what were you thinking of majoring in? Or what did you wind up majoring in?

You know, honestly, I'm like the worst person when it comes to career advice or anything like that. Because I had zero plan. I didn't know what I wanted to do. I had no clue. I wound up just doing marketing because it felt very versatile. That's true. But other than that, I really didn't know.

Yeah, you didn't do? I did but I'm not doing that anymore. So that's kind of funny, where it's like, I didn't know but then I'm not doing it. Like I want it to be I have a Bachelor of Science in marine biology.

Oh my god, really? Yeah, I

chose my school because University North Carolina Wilmington is at the time that I went to school at UNC W. It was the third or fourth in the world's best marine biology program. And and I wanted to go to school by the ocean. The ocean is kind of the closest I get to church now and, and so. And so I just wanted to be close to it. And obviously also what I studied that made sense to so but yeah, but that's that's what I wanted to be the next Jacques Cousteau. Wow. So yeah, that's what I was doing. Yeah. Which is funny when you think about it a gym because back then what I wanted to do is I want to be Jacques Cousteau, because I wanted to educate and entertain people about something that mattered to me. And now I'm doing just fascinating, right. So it's like, the nugget, unlike me, wasn't marine biology. It was the nugget underneath it. But marine biology was the only way that I saw it at that particular time in my life.

That's interesting. And I can relate marketing. I mean, I'm always marketing myself, essentially. But then afterwards, the whole serving in the hospitality industry. The through line for me now is I like to serve I like to serve people just in different ways. Right now you're serving more knowledge versus food and drinks.

Yeah, and instead of instead of smoking a pack a night with the junior mafia, you got a peloton behind you.

Same, same, same, same. Yeah. So walk me through then you get this marketing degree. you're hustling in college working in nightclubs. And then you and then you're a server what you know what, what happens after what happens after that, when When did a transaction happen? I had like,

a couple a series of jobs. And I want to say about three ish, that were like out of school, what kind of job can I get, you know, and it was like, assistant to a radio buyer, like media buying that was one. Then I went into these smaller agency design agencies and just kind of was an assistant for the owners. And then, randomly, I met this person who owned an event space in a loft downtown Manhattan. And he will him and his wife own this loft, and we're going to create this beautiful event space. And I was like, Ooh, and he's like, will you do the marketing for it? And I was like, Sure. So So I left that last job went there. And that is when that's the period of my life where everything kind of blew up, everything shifted and led me on this new path. Shall I be? Shall I go? Let's

go, John. I want to hear but you can't leave me with a cliffhanger

months working with this couple and getting ready to launch the event space, September 10. They have their first event 2001 And I 2001 Correct first event. The next morning, I'm ready to show up for work. And I lived on 96th Street at the time, took the subway all the way down. Wall Street got up looked up and there's black smoke coming out of the World Trade Center. And obviously, it was a traumatic day pretty chaotic, trying to figure out what to do. I somehow made it the three blocks to Rector in the West Side Highway where I was working. And I remember the doorman kind of like freaking out like you can't go upstairs, this and that. And like, well, what am I supposed to do? He's like, the subways are closed. I'm like, where am I supposed to go? So he's like, I don't know, but use the phone in the lobby if you want. Because you know, cell phones weren't working? Yeah. So I remember well, I barely remember I called my mother and she tells me the story because I can barely remember making the phone call. And because within seconds the first tower fell. So all these people started rushing into the lobby, I got thrown, the phone went flying, I went got pushed into this closet with a bunch of strangers. And for the my first time in my life, that that paralyzing fear kind of took over my body. So it was just like, I remember crying, I remember thinking I'm gonna die like this is it. And I guess I like wasn't breathing. And then this woman came over to me and she took me by the shoulders and shook me and asked me my name and took a big deep breath. So Jennifer, she said, Jennifer, I'm Nancy, and you and I were going to get out of here today. So sure enough, we got kicked out of that building. And for hours to make long story short, when building million looking for shelter found another building second tower fell how to get kicked out of there, too. And so hours later, I took Nancy to the martial arts center that I had just started training at. I've been training there probably close to a year I think by then. And we walked in, covered in ashes looking, I'm sure like zombies. I remember to my instructors were there. And you know, just anyway, the whole thing was like crazy, right? And was able to breathe and calm down and watch TV and take a shower and drink water. All those things helped me feel more safe. And that became this big metaphor. For the next month Sears that like all I wanted to do was go back to the safe place. So that day, obviously, I got out of there and I was able to go to my sister's and then eventually leave the city for a couple days to regroup. But all I did in that time afterwards was like go to this dojo, where like I started to feel good and strong in my body more confident in my mind spiritually started to feel more grounded, more purposeful. And that kind of took on this life of its own after a while I was I was still bartending at night to pay the bills. But in the daytime, all I was like almost like addicted but in the best way to this feeling that I was getting from the martial arts training.

Yeah, I know. I knew that you had a 911 story. I did not know your 911 story. That is incredible. That is horrifying, gut wrenching. And with this beautiful end. But what a moment you're describing some of the intersections of were the building that you went into to try to make the phone call where your work was. And not far at all from the towers. Yeah. So I mean, you had to feel you had to feel like the earth shake when it fell. Yeah, and I think that was registering that what Yeah,

right. And that's the thing like, I definitely had PTSD right afterwards. I anytime I heard a plane, a low flying plane or a garbage truck, or you know these loud noises still to this day, I kind of jumped out of my skin to be honest, like I'm not going to fool anyone. Obviously the martial arts helped me drastically and move me through that time in that period, but there are still little effects today. The thing is for someone and I don't know if anyone out there can relate to this or you can relate to this James, but when you're in one of those, like horrible, horrible traumatic events, and you made it out okay and pretty unscathed. Like for years, I didn't even talk about it or think about it. Like I just was like, Oh, I am totally one of the lucky ones. I have no business talking about this. I have no business like crying about it or feeling bad about it. You know? Yeah. And it really wasn't until, I don't know, five, six years ago, when I'm like, developing my keynotes and thinking about what my story was my origin story, right? Most people don't think about that unless you're a public speaker or have a brand or something. And that I was like, oh, yeah, like, that is a major part of my adulthood life.

Yeah. Yeah. But at the same time, I get it, both as just someone not not because I've had an experience remotely similar to that. But I can conceptually understand that idea of like, all these people lost their lives. Yeah, I'm here today, who am I to share anything? Right. Like I think about it a lot in terms of my privilege, right? Like, your white Mac. I don't like my birthday, right? Like, I'm a you're a white man. In America, who is raised with more than enough, what are we celebrating every year? Right? If you didn't survive, like, you know what I mean? Like, that's a very small version of it. But obviously, not at all trying to compare the two. But it's so that and hearing and hearing what you're saying it conceptually makes sense to me. Yeah. And it has been it has, it has had to have been very powerful, too. It's essentially reliving, unpacking and re describing. Resetting with some trauma. Yeah. And that's wildly hard to do. Yeah.

Yeah. There's a part of that day that I have no recollection of. I literally walked from SOHO to my sister's apartment on 55th Street and cannot remember. Zero, like 000 can't remember it at all.

Yeah. Where's the dojo was the dojo in Soho. It was

at the time now it's in Brooklyn, but World Martial Arts Center. It was on Broadway in Houston, essentially.

Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Also not that far. Yeah. Wow. So you said that your mom your mom can remember cuz you're on the phone with your mom and you got pushed into the closet, right? So mom does all of a sudden is like, what happened to my baby?

Yeah. Oh, she just heard screaming like, get down, get down, get down. And so she thought there was like a terrorist like with, like, going to shoot us or something like that was going through her head. But she she says that I when I called her I first of all called her mommy and like in a really childlike voice, which is bizarre, right? Because I don't call her mommy. And I definitely don't talk in a baby voice. So that was weird. But that's what happened.

Yeah. Thank you for sharing that story with us. That I mean, yeah, I mean, I'm always appreciative, anybody who's willing to talk through their trauma that but never expected. And so, so thank you. I mean, I think, obviously, anyone born before, I don't know, let's say 98, maybe 9097. can pretty much remember 911 In some way, shape, or form. And I mean, I was I was one of those people trying to call people in the city because I was I was in university than North Carolina at that time. And so I was trying to call my dad who had worked there used to work and one of the towers was not working in the towers. And one of them at that time. He used to work in one of the towers he was still working in the city is trying to call my uncle, uncle, my brother. And, and just, you know, couldn't get through to anybody. And so, but yeah, it's I mean, it's incredible. My brother at the time, lived in Brooklyn. And he took a picture of his balcony that was covered in ash and just like, random papers. And and that's however, many miles away, not, like right across, right across the river. He lived decently deep into Brooklyn. And so, yeah, I think I mean, you know, for our generation, everybody knows where they were. On September 11 2001. Yeah. So, yeah.

You Oh, God, please. Well, and yeah, and as hard and it has difficult it was, again, for me personally, and I know there's so many people out there that really nothing good ever came of this for them. Right. And it's a lot of loss and grief and tragedy. For me, personally, looking back, I can see how it changed the course of my career, how I like fell in love with martial arts and the feeling that I was getting and then wanting to share that with as many people as possible. That's how literally the journey started. not consciously at the time, but only looking back. Can I figure that out and connect the dots?

Yeah, that that was the strongest word that you shared was safe. See, that is where you felt safe. You went there that day. And then you just needed to keep going back to that place. Just the power, right? I mean, the bottom the bottom of the pyramid for Maslow. Right and yours. Yours was in that dojo, which is, which is crazy and beautiful that you found it. Mm hmm. Yeah. Now you had mentioned that you had started going into martial arts a little bit before this. What, what, what catapulted that interest? But you know, at what point were you like, Oh, check out martial arts.

It feels random, except my dad had been doing martial arts. He had been doing Taekwondo. He started his 50s. And, yeah, yeah, and my dad has like, amazing transformation story. But essentially just picture a guy from immigrant Italian family that grew up in the Bronx, who then became detective in the NYPD. But when I was born, he pretty much left that and got into a different career, and was always working on self development, always trying to better himself. Deep into nutrition, fitness took care of his body, on this just always like soul searching journey, which I thought was so cool coming, especially coming from his background, right? And so in his 50s, he got into martial arts, and I saw the transformation that went from like, super tough hothead kind of guy to more, you know, like, more deep and more. You already had a spiritual side to him, but it just changed. It was just different. And I, all I my original, like, my original curiosity for trying martial arts was more for the fitness part. Oh, let me try this thing to get fit on your board of the gym. And then, you know, and then obviously, it wound up being so much more like so much more that people and friends like joke that I was in a cult, that's how like often and how much time I spent there.

I hear about that from a number of friends. I just got to spend a couple of nights with our friends down in North Carolina who are deep into taekwondo also, I believe he is also a third degree or fourth degree black belt and and just the way that the way that he talks about it, it truly is a wee bit cultish. But in a real it's but it's community, right. Yeah. Passion and community, a community that makes you feel safe, that immediate community that welcomes you. I mean, that's what cults do. So

I have to say, like, I'm that person that I'll be watching like that. Oh, that show on Netflix, wild, wild country. And I'm like, Oh, this is such a nice cold, I can picture myself. And then, you know, it's going completely bonkers and sideways. But the colors are always so nice.

Yeah, for sure. Yeah. Always well intentioned. And then power creeps in. I love that. So after so after 911, we dive in deep into and we join this cult, no, we join you dive in deeper into this community, you compassionate about it, you're working your way through the belts in the levels and etc, etc. And at what point does that transition into something that is, you know, something that you want to do as a career or something that when does it become something bigger?

Yeah, yeah. So pretty much that year after September 11. Obviously, how to pay bills. So as bartending, and then I got a job to manage a nightclub did that for a year.

I love this time in your life.

It's so bonkers. It's so so it was totally like dichotomous like this nightclub life. And then I was like, in a uniform and like tying my belt and bow it you know, like so different. Yeah. So finally, I was like, Okay, I need some alignment, you know, somehow just this, this is not working. So I decided to become a personal trainer. I said, Okay, I can, you know, take these skills that I have and transfer them to being a personal trainer. So I went to gym, got a job. And then within a year, I was like, I don't want to work for a gym ever again. So I basically just started my own private practice in Manhattan and another way to really learn about people and you know, like from the hospitality now all of a sudden I'm in people's homes, like very wealthy people's homes. And, you know, like, just I don't know, I was always just so fascinated by it. Sure.

You got to be in your, in your all white, New York apartment with a German Shepherd.

It was in Chinatown. It had roaches and mice. And there was no white carpets.

You got to see other people's white apartments and have them do burpees on them

I love that I've been inside a Chinatown apartment that looks like the one you described to record some verses in that. So, so for so so we go into personal training, which is a cool way where you're starting to find a little bit more alignment than nightclub. Jen to getting into mind body spirit. Yes. Yeah, for sure.

Yeah. Yeah. Loved it. And then from there just knew that nutrition was a bigger part of the equation. So went back to school and got a health coaching certificate, went back to school later got a master's degree in nutrition, but for a period of 10 years, I was in that Dojo every day and then running around the city to train my clients is essentially and in the background, doing lots of this self development work for myself, I'm on myself for myself on myself. But like going to Tony Robbins events and landmark education, and all these different I know you're gonna say

totally different cults. Yeah, no. Wrecking so many people like I've been to a landmark event. It feels real culty it is not a cult. I know that. It's not Tony Robbins in the moment. You feel like a cult, right? You're like, we're okay. Let's walk across a spire. Yeah, right. Hello, culty.

Totally cold. So I walked on coals. I jumped off this in his Fiji resort. And mind you back then I did not have money, right? But I would spend like, oh, 10 grand. Yes. Let's do this. Got it. Yeah, let's go to Fiji. And we were like harness to these like 50 foot telephone poles and then had to like jump off to try and catch a trapeze. Like just all kinds of very different than nightclub Jennn, but very fun as well, in a different way.

I mean, I've been in some nightclubs with some trap pieces, but But still, I see what you're saying

Cages james

I've been those two so the the so you get somewhat addicted to personal development.

Yes. Always been like a self proclaimed junkie. And again, I got that from my dad. My dad was had the Tony Robbins cassette tapes playing in the cars all the time. Dale Carnegie, you know, like, I was familiar with all these names. Wayne Dyer was a big one. In our house, so yeah, I just kind of took it on ran with it.

That's so fun. That about yourself. The drip. The drip started early for you. With some of the motivational speaking. Yeah, yeah, that's incredible.

Did you have that? as well? Like what? Your speaker now? I mean, yeah. A lot of them. Did you do that kind of stuff?

Or I didn't at all? No, I didn't hear my first Tony Robbins talk until I'm gonna say like four years ago. Oh, wow. Okay. I still haven't like I still haven't been I haven't still have not seen him live. I was going to a UPW is that his Unleash the Power Within is that three days? That's a three day one down at Boca Raton. I was I had I had it on my calendar was scheduled to go in 2020. And so and didn't obviously, it came through. So I've done some of these online things here and there. But I just want to go I want to go and do it in person. I want to see it. Yeah. Be in it. So I'm glad,

though. I want to hear your experience.

Yeah, for sure. No, definitely. I'm happy to nerd out with you about it. But yeah, I mean, as far as my journey with some of those kinds of things. I actually, I mean, I came through the comedy world. And that was kind of my exposure to getting onstage and what being on stage was and I've watched comedians and, and one I still watch comedian. I think comedians have made me a better speaker. And a lot of a lot of times some of the speech especially some of the newer comedy specials kind of border the line between motivational speech and comedy, right, you look at some of the Hannah, Hannah Gatsby stuff. Douglas, you think it's some of Hasan Minaj stuff? Some of that where they're, you know, they're doing some teaching in there. Whether it's about culture or it's about autism, or it's about whatever. It's very it's kind of fascinating to watch the way those worlds are blending a little bit and now Brene Brown has a Netflix special right? Where she just does an hour and I drink the Kool Aid from Brene Brown pretty quickly because she and I were talking about very similar things Daring Greatly came out just before my book did, and it was so we're both talking about authenticity and vulnerability, obviously daring, greatly a lot about shame. And so, but watching her TED Talks is something that kind of, I would say she was one of the first speakers that kind of really ramped me up in that way. The speakers that I saw before then, all didn't look like me didn't really kind of have my background and didn't. And so that's one of the reasons why I never charged for a while in the beginning. I didn't see myself I was like, Well, I don't deserve it. Right. Like who am I? I don't I didn't start with the bottom now I'm here. I didn't lose a leg and nominee and kill friends in a drunk driving accident. I didn't I didn't have this crazy story. I was just like, who wants to pay me to cry about on stage when tell jokes about when I was homesick in college? Hey, her job Jen. Big market? Yeah, I'm glad I learned it. But at the time, I just didn't think I deserved it. Because it's like, what do you what are you getting paid for? You don't deserve now. So yeah, so I didn't listen. Yeah, I didn't follow a lot of speakers. And then once I joined an agency that you and I were both a part of for a while and went to some conferences. I then I did started watching a lot of speakers. I started watching a lot of TED Talks watching a lot of commencement speeches. Now, to this day, I still love commencement season. Now, what different actors say or presidents or First Lady's or former whatever, whatever. Like it's a cool, yeah, I soak some of that up. I've definitely I watch more motivational speakers now than I've ever have in my life.

That's awesome. And I need to take a page out of your book, because I always say I need to do that more. And I haven't but but anyway, back in my 20s That's what I was doing a lot of Yeah.

Which is great. I mean, you were a sponge, right? And what a great time of life to do that too. Because you finally realize that I mean, whatever the social survival skills that are needed in, in, in high school and middle school and stuff like that, like you just kind of it's very insular. But then the 20s are this really cool time? For to think about like, Okay, what matters, you know, like, why does that matter? What do I want to do? Who am I? Where do I fit? What about, you know, like, what am I going to do here? So, I think that makes a lot of sense that it happened during that time. And then you yourself, are now one of those people that people that other individuals can turn to can watch, consume and read and, and consume. How does that feel? Now that you are a and I don't necessarily know if you call yourself a motivational speaker, but you certainly do motivate people. The term motivational speaker sometimes comes a little not everybody loves that word term, because I picked it. I don't mind it either. But a lot of people like oh yeah, Chris Farley, where's your van? Which river? So exactly. So how does it feel to now be that person that someone else can listen to? With their dad in the car while they drive around?

Oh, gosh, honestly melts my heart that picture that I just saw. Honestly, I'm honored. It's like such an honor. Anytime I'm like, handed a microphone anytime someone reads my Instagram posts. Like I find it such a privilege and an honor. I don't really have words for it. And I don't even think that many people do listen.

But yeah, I love it. I'm, I'm excited for more of that. But also, you know, we have to remember like we're taking up space. And so I definitely am more careful with what I say I'm more intentional with my words. Especially putting anything out there in the metaverse Where do you hide interwebs whatever. Like I'm just trying to be as intentional as I can. And as you can imagine, I know you you know you wrote a book so you know that like now going through the third proof and the fourth proof in the final proof like I don't want to do it anymore. Like I'm sick of reading. Yeah, but but now I'm like, almost like nitpicking because I don't want anyone to misconstrue something that I said or, or get triggered by something I said, you know, and it's like, it's almost too much right now. Mm hmm.

Yeah. Yeah, no, that's, uh, you can definitely start to drown in it. Yeah, I mean, it makes you question so much of what are we what are we doing here? And yeah, especially a little bit, you know, let's talk about the culture that we're in right now to where it's just the microscope has gotten bigger for the people on this earth, right? More people are under the microscope. Yeah. And it's yeah, it's, it's, it's a tricky time. But at the same time, you have to write something with an angle with a with direction with purpose with an audience in mind. Because if you just try to write something for everyone that no one's gonna ever be upset about. Right, then no one's ever gonna read what you want to write. Right? Like? Exactly. So yeah, so it's, it's a fascinating line to walk. Now. You talk. A lot of Your talks are about self defense about women's empowerment, that standing is standing in your greatness. And I'm curious, when my first the first time I ever got to see you speak. You took off your heel and showed me how I could stab someone with it. And you just show me how like, wow, I wasn't wearing heels at the time. But, but still, like, you know, it's just like, the first time I ever saw watch you do is about it was about again. It's about safety. It's about protecting yourself. And, uh, when did that, you know, martial arts is is about what to do most martial, not all martial arts, most martial arts are about what to do if you are attacked. Right? And there are some, there are some that are more offensive, but most I feel are a little more defensive. Now feel free to correct me because you're deeper in that world than I am. But the and so I can I can draw the corollary of like, well, here's something that I love. And I also love this. What's the thing that connects the two self defense? Is that how you did it? Or was there a moment at the nightclub at one time where martial arts really did help you?

Well, there's there's two answers to that. And briefly, like, Well, the thing that's coming up for me is back in the day, like, almost after 911, right, in that following year, I was grabbed on the street, walking home to my apartment late at night, yada yada guys hands up my dress, you know. And I was wearing heels that night. So I turn and face my attacker. And this time, instead of that freeze that shutdown, I went into like, full boat full jeebies mode, and, you know, started doing all these things that I now teach, taking up space, flailing my arms, making myself loud and big and alpha, you know, like, how dare you eff with me. And, you know, I saw I can remember his face in that moment going from like, to just, I just messaged the wrong person. So he took off running, I chased him down the street wearing my heels that night. Luckily, for both of us, I did not catch him and the heels impeded my, my running, but that, again, like led me even deeper into the martial arts. And when you said most martial arts is about defending, I immediately went no, no, martial arts was like, a way of life. I know to sound not to sound too corny, but no, please do not just about the physical movements. And that's the whole through line through everything I teach and speak on now is, it's not the kicking the punching in the, you know, it's the confidence, it's the attitude, it's the self empowerment that we all have access to, we all can use our voice, we can all stand up for ourselves, we can all stick up for other people that can't stick up for their own selves to and that's really what I learned. You know, those are like leadership skills, I would say now. Now they're in my programs, and my book and my keynotes, and that's the three line.

Yeah, I'm so glad you push back on that, because that makes a lot of sense to me. And it's just just a cool moment of, you know, what I see what I hear versus what it's like to actually be in it. And the messaging and the mantras and, you know, so that's, that's beautiful. Thank you. The the work that you get to do right now what would you say your goal is like if a if an audience member were to come up to you, you know, fellow woman came up to you at the end? What is your what's your dream thing? Like what what, what what would you love for them to say to you, or if they were to reach out to you a month later and be like, hey, you know, I've been sitting with what you said or

Yeah, well, not again, what's coming up for me right now is things that women have said to me that mean the most and not that I want this to happen because I wish it would happen less But so many women will come up to me after an event, whether it be self defense, or the art of badass three, or whatever it is, and tell me like, yeah, I was in an abusive relationship, or I was attacked. And I'm that one in three women and I was in domestic violence relationship like you, the amount of times I get that, again, it's heartbreaking. And at the same time, like, when they say that my words mattered to them, and that they feel more powerful, or they feel more confident because of what I just said, or, or they just feel like they can share that, like so many women have told me that this is the first time they're even speaking up and sharing this. I was at a realtor conference once. And a woman literally stood up in the middle of my talk, by the way, didn't ask anyone for comments or anything. And she stood up and told the entire group that she was raised during hosting an open house. And like everyone was like, like the floor dropped out. Wow, beneath us, and, and she said, this is the first time I'm ever saying this out loud. Because she wanted to share that lesson that that gift with us, right? So again, like I hate hearing it, but at the same time oh my god, what a gift.

Yeah. Yeah, what a gift. Indeed. I think that's the I think it's the perfect word for it. That you that you give to your audiences?

My gift to them? I mean, the gift of hearing that back, you know, like, Oh,

yes, yes. Yeah, for sure. Yeah. No, I'm the one telling you that you're a gift, though. So I know, you're not gonna say because you're a good person, but I'll tell you. So a confidence is, is a fickle beast, from time to time. You know, I think Tina, my wife talks a lot about confidence. And she talks about how for women confidence should be a team sport. And and it's really beautiful, the way that she's talks about it. And she, she frequently asked people, How would you define your relationship with with confidence? And she pulls answers from the audience, one of my favorite ones that she has heard is, she's like, remember the Facebook status? It's complicated. Like, that's my relationship, like an audience member told her that I was like, I feel sane right now. Because confidence is, it is something that I have an interesting relationship with. I am not a alpha male. And, and have never been, I've never really been one and have therefore, had my masculinity called into question and called my own masculinity into question. And what is good enough? What is man enough? What is man? Right? And, and no matter what I call it into question, no matter what is going on internally, I'm still a man. And so when I step into a space, a lot of assumptions are made, especially as someone who's six foot three large dude beard, right, like, certainly not hiding masculine. And, and so. So there is so there is there's a there's a privilege, right when I walk into a space that that women do not have. And, and so teaching confidence to women is incredibly powerful, because they only they don't just have to get over what's going on internally, they also have to get over what's going on societally, where I just have to get over what's going on internally or work through not get over work. Let me use the right terms here.

We just summed up the whole intro of my book, by the way. Thank you.

Thanks so much for coming to the talk. This diner talks with James check out The Art of badass read by Jennifer casetta. Y'all take care?

That was amazing.

Well, great. I hope I hope validating as well. So so with that being said, yeah, what are some of the first steps and in starting to claim step into use words that you would use there into your confidence?

Sure, sure. Sure. Well, I'll just go through the book, kind of the first step in the book, since you just said what the intro was. Yes, like women we are we have this backdrop of stuff that we have to deal with, collectively, right? So whether you're not maybe the one in five or the one in three or the one you know, you know, someone that is you know that you could be one day you know, like there's just This other thing going on, but besides that, the first step in the book, so the book is, goes just like you said, when you were referring to it before you move up through the colors, the different belt colors. That's how the book is laid out. So each level. So white belt is chapter one. And then obviously, the last chapter is black belt. So white belt is all about embracing the suck. And essentially, you know, we move through life, as you know, and, you know, I believe that we're all we all start with all the power, all the confidence, all the stuff that we need, but as we move through life, it gets chipped away little by little by each bullied disappointment, grief, failure, you name it. And then sometimes, especially as women, we even give it away, we give it away unconsciously, sometimes consciously, to people, places and things that don't deserve it. So kind of that first step is kind of, like I said, embracing the sock knowing that like, okay, you've been through really hard times before they're gonna happen again. But let's kind of strip down all that stuff and get to the core of who you really are. That's kind of the first does that resonate for you as a as a six three male motivational speaker?

Sounds like acceptance, right? Like, kind of accepting of like, here's where I'm at. Yeah, right. Like to go back to our Jesuits. cura personalities meet the person where they're at. Right? Where but meet yourself where you're at? Mm hmm. Yeah, I'm not I'm not good at that, right? Because I'm over here looking at so and so being like, Oh, look at him, I should look at her, I shouldn't look at them. I should, right, like I showed on myself a lot. And, as opposed to I then in saying should it should equals shame a lot of times. So if they are there, that means I should be ashamed that I am here. Right. And that's not that's not kindness.

Yeah. And again, to go a bit deeper, I feel like embracing also the suck of your past. Right, because that's where usually, like, if we're not feeling confident today, for some reason, it's probably a program that we took on when we were younger, because something terrible happened. Or, you know, as we move through life, like I said that that confidence gets chipped away little by little. So just like being okay with whatever has happened in your life. And not that you have to be excited about it, or celebrate it. Or even get on a stage in front of 1000s of people and share it. But just like, hey, like, these are the things that happened to me. And I'm probably stronger because of them. And then so that next step is like taking that list. I call it your greatest shits list, like going through your path, naming all the shitty things that have happened, and then pulling through your secret weapons from them. So the things that you've developed as a result of moving through those challenges, versus in spite of them. So some people can you know, secret weapons can look like empathy, perseverance, leadership, qualities, generosity, flexibility, humility, right. There's just so so many. Yeah. Yeah. That's awesome.

That's badass. Yeah. And then we take people through that, from that, that newly cemented foundation and build up from it belt by belt throughout the book.

Yes, exactly. Oh, also,

okay. Please know that a

lot of times and when you do any of the Tony Robbins, or the on all these things, they all start with, like, you got to go into your past, right? Even therapy, you got to go back into your past and clear up that shit because it's holding you back. Yeah, like, that's where all the chipping away has come from. And if we don't get clear with it now and accept it, like it's only gonna hold you back in the future.

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, the first landmark thing I ever went to was everybody was a hot sobbing mess. I was like, What are we doing here? What is happening? Yeah. So I totally get that. I think another interesting thing about confidence that I'd love to hear your thoughts on, is that sometimes we try to put confidence in a one size fits all or one definition fits all. But confidence is a very, it's a very personal thing. But we try to make it seem like I think society, the internet. You know, a number of different voices sometimes make confidence feel like this is what confidence is and what it should be. for you, right? Would you where do you fall on that? And what are your thoughts on that? Because as someone who does drink a lot of selfhelp Kool Aid, you are very similar messaging and a lot of those books. Yeah. And but what I hear you saying a little bit of yours is that as you're kind of allowing some of that, what are your personal things that came out of your shit list that you bring to the table? And how can you step into that? I just, I'd be curious to hear I'm now answering your own question for you. So but I'm gonna make you answer it still. But you know, you know, confidence is a very a deeply personal journey. What do you think

about that? Oh, I think you're absolutely right. And that's kind of why I named the first keynote and now book The Art of badassery. Because I feel like that Asri is a term that is very, it's almost kind of vague, right? You can, everyone has their own definition of it. And under that feeling badass. Yeah, to me, that's like feeling confident, putting myself out there, living my dream, or at least going after my dreams. That to me, that's, that's, that's pretty badass. And it feels like you're confident doing that. But I do think confidence is very, it's just a muscle, right? That we have to practice over time. And nobody is either confident or not like it's it's a range. It's a scale. It's a sliding scale, and it's going to go up and down and up and down, depending on the day or even the hour sometimes. Yeah, and that's okay. Right.

Yeah. Yeah, I agree. One of my favorite quotes is from the wise old sage anonymous. And this one said that what, you know that guy? Oh, yeah, sure. Yeah. Good boy. Yeah, yeah, we used to play croquet in my backyard. So, Bobby anonymous. But, you know, someone once said that the happiness is only a place that you can visit, but the smartest people go there often. Hmm. And I, I, a lot of times, think about confidence that way. I don't like we're not to say that you are 100% Confident every single part of your life is is absurd. That's an unrealistic goal, and one that you should rewrite as soon as you can. So that you can give yourself grace and whatnot. And I think, you know, confidence is, if people come up to me, and I'm sure the same thing for you. After our speeches, people come up to me like, how do you so confident? Oh, my gosh, it was crazy. And I tell people, like, you literally just saw me at the peak of my confidence. You just saw the peak. Right, like right now is you and I are talking about it's changed? Yeah. Yeah. I'm aware. I'm now this and like, you know, things are coming up. And so yeah, it's, it is, it is fascinating that it is it's a it's a place that we can visit, we should visit him more often. Because we deserve to, and, and realizing the things that are keeping us from going there more often, I think is what your book is talking about and work worth doing.

Yes. I have a question for you. And then I'll answer I'm interested in that. Glad If You Could you name one thing, practice or book or anything that has made the biggest difference in your own confidence?

Ah, I have a cliche answer to that. But that's okay. Things are cliches because they're undeniably true. But a Tina is a big is a big person in there, like my you know, my wife, and

helps you feel more confident.

Yeah, I think other people see our greatness before we do. And that doesn't make them wrong. But we have to remember that it doesn't make them wrong. And it's taken a minute for me to realize that maybe Tina's not wrong. Which has been really hard to admit, for multiple complicated reasons. But, but still, that that's been a big piece of it. I think, you know, Brene Browns work has been I think that if her work doesn't get as much as much of the output as it does get. I don't know if I'm allowed to talk about what I love talking about. Right? Like in talking about authenticity and vulnerability and leadership and things like that. Right? If, if she doesn't come before me now that not that she's the first person to ever say it right. But the way that she's been so widely digested, and also contested, but has opened the door for me to be able to talk more about I think what I talked about and feel seen in some of that work. Is there a part of me that wishes I could have been that person? Hell yeah. But she did. Right. And, and so now you know, respect it. And so but yeah, I think I think so I think that's that's something like reading daring greatly. I also would say when I went through my divorce a number of years ago i i know that about you There you go fun fact I, I holed up in this Airbnb that was just a small a frame in Vermont and I just dove into meditation. Because like, I need to do work, because I heard someone who didn't deserve to be hurt. And I was also falling in love with someone new. And I was really excited about that. But it was all the guilt, the shame that everything and I was like, I'm a piece of shit. And, and so there were some moments in that, that let me know that I was allowed to feel emotions that I didn't think I was ever allowed to feel. I don't know if I ever felt anger, and could name it as anger and realize I was allowed to feel angry about something until being in Vermont that week. And so just allowing yourself to step into like, I'm allowed to feel things. Mm hmm. So I think those those are three things that which is more than what you asked for, but

I'm more than better. Right? The more tools the better. That's right. But But mine is the same as yours actually, that meditation piece I was because I was gonna jump in and say it but I wanted to hear your answer first. In the last three or four years, I would say I feel the most common I'm go to that confident place more often than ever before. And sure there are plenty of reasons I'm getting older, you start to care what other people think less. And, and lots of other reasons. But but that is the biggest reason is a is a dedicated morning meditation practice where I just go in, go deep sit there, and like literally feel so much better because of it. So

yeah, yeah. And most people who've never tried metta meditation, either don't because it's like it's too woowoo. Or they don't because they don't think they can. And that's where I that was the camp that I was in pre trying it. And because I have ADHD, I have anxiety, I got a lot of stuff going on that can easily take me out of a meditative state.

Right, but even more the reason to do it right. 100%

Yeah, exactly. And so. And you know, when people are like, Why can't just sit and think about nothing for an hour. I was great. Don't start with three minutes. Yeah, I mean, that's what it started. And truth be told, like, I still haven't gotten above. I think the longest I've gone is 12 minutes. Okay, it doesn't matter. And it took me a long time to realize that that that that doesn't matter that those five minutes are valuable that those you know that sweet British man on headspace. You know, he's got my back, no matter how long I'm with him. And I really appreciate that about him.

That's amazing. That's okay, so you use headspace? That's wonderful.

Yeah, yeah, headspace. I know, calm is another really popular one. And there's, there's a whole bunch of them. So

yeah, inside timers mine, but I just used like the ambient sounds that they got on there.

Yeah, I don't know if you noticed this. I don't know if you have if you're loyal to an airline, but delta delta great. So delta now has peloton on their thing. And so you can, you know, if you bring your own bike, you can put it on the plane knob. But in the they have like little just little exercise you can do where it's even calf raises. But more importantly than that, they have just little meditations. And it's lovely.

Yeah, pretty cool. Yeah, it's definitely becoming more mainstream. But again, I think it's important for for folks to share the actual benefits because again, like you can, you can sit there and go, Yeah, well, meditation, it'll help me de stress and blah, blah, blah. But hey, it'll help increase your confidence. What like, I don't think those two things are usually connected. And for me, that's why I just really want to share that and it's a whole chapter in my book, not just meditation, but going quiet going within trusting your gut listening. And that has, like I said, boosted my confidence. Why because you feel more at peace, you feel more at ease, you're more intentional. You're willing to take more risk. You know, all these different things come as a result of that. Yeah. Which is awesome.

It is awesome. What else is awesome, Jennifer Cassetta, you and I cannot thank you enough for kicking it in the diner. Your book The Art of badass three, unleash your mojo with wisdom of the dojo is available for pre order right now on Amazon. I hope that you all will get on this get a little pre order action just you can see her x-p-alla-dopeness and it's just been so cool getting to know you more friend I knew I knew little, little small pieces of your story. It's been so cool getting to connect the dots and also just hear your brilliance. And thanks for hanging out in the diner with me.

Thank you What are you ordering? You didn't say?

I'm pancake man pancake can run through get some chocolate chip pancakes earlier this week, actually.

Thank you so much for having me. And thanks, everyone for listening. I so again, appreciate taking up the space.

I love it. Thank you so much for being here, my friend, y'all. That was my time with Jennifer cassetta. Wow, that one went to some really cool places that I did not expect, but thoroughly enjoyed. It was blown away by what a story on 911. As I mentioned, many of us know where we were that day. But to hear where she was and what was going on is fascinating. But the safety of the dojo and what she has managed to turn that into is beautiful. Competence is something that a lot of us struggle with. And I find that having more and more conversations with our peers makes us feel left alone, less alone around it. And so our conversations are powerful as we try to grow and step into our badass hurry to use her term. And it's just so cool that she spent this time with us. And so let's keep having better conversations, my friends. So do me a favor and punch small talk in the face by asking better questions. We'll catch y'all next time in the diner be well,