Setting boundaries is important to creating the life of your dreams | DFS 312

Welcome to Destin for success. I'm your

host, Jennifer Takagi, and today I want to talk about setting

boundaries and the importance of setting boundaries. In the last

episode, my good friend Mary Gooden talked about her three

non negotiables, and she wakes up every day, and she literally

lives and embodies her three non negotiables so that she can have

the life that she wants, not when somebody else set up for

her, but for her. What are boundaries and why aren't you

setting them so a boundary is often considered something bad.

We talk about putting fences up between our houses so there's a

boundary. But have you ever heard that phrase? Fences make

good neighbors. If I know how far I can go one way or the

other, and they know how far they can come, then we're kind

of okay. We can live within those boundaries for younger

girls, especially, I say especially, because that's what

I know about since I was one, there are boundaries when you go

on a date, like, What time are you going to bring me home? No,

I will not do that. No, don't kiss me goodnight on the first

date. What are those boundaries? And what are those boundaries?

Do they keep you safe? They keep you protected. Parents often

have deadlines on what time you have to be home, and it's like,

oh, gee, let me stay out later. It's a boundary to keep you

safe. My mom used to always say, after midnight, the drunks get

drunk, or the dopes get dopier, and somebody will hurt you. It

was really great reverse psychology, because she never

said I was going to get in trouble. It was somebody else

would hurt me, which made it a very different vibe, a very

different feeling. So are you having places in your life? Can

you recognize places where you are letting other people run the

show? What are you in charge of that you don't need to be in

charge of? Where are people overstepping the bounds? Years

ago, a friend of mine was saying that she had to cook a big

dinner every night with meat, potatoes, a vegetable and some

sort of bread, and her husband would not allow it any other

way. And I was like, Well, does he cook? Like, what? What does

he bring to this party of you cooking dinner every night?

Because, mind you, they both worked full time, and I'm not

saying that she wasn't the better cook, but what's the

trade off? You can't be expected to work all day, come home, cook

the meals, do the laundry, clean the house like do absolutely

everything while your partner sits on the couch. If you have a

partner there, there should be some kind of divvying up of life

events that have to happen to keep a household running. So are

you letting other people run the show. Are you letting other

people step on you or force you into things, or guilt trip you

into things, when what you really wanted to say was No, I

have started saying no to some of my baking. I'm a baker. I

started a baking business. I'm in the process of closing it

down now, but part of me in the course of this business, I found

that I was saying yes to things that were outside my wheelhouse,

because I wanted to be a people pleaser. I wanted to do what you

wanted, and I wanted to do it at a reasonable price. And what I

found was that I was often up half the night making

decorations for cakes and cookies. And then I learned from

a cookie decorator that when she has one or two cookies that take

a lot of time in order that she calls those her show pieces. And

so she'd have one or two of those show pieces, and then the

rest of the cookie platter, oops, bang, sorry. The rest of

the cookie platter would be more basic cookies. They might just

be circles or stars, maybe hearts, something she could do

very quickly and easily, versus something that took a lot of

time. And I found that I was not doing very good of a job at

setting those boundaries and saying no. I started getting a

little bit better, until I decided this is not for me. Me,

I can cook one pan of cookies at a time. I can bake two pies at a

time for a big order. It just takes too long. It takes too

long to get paid, you know, pennies for hours, not but not

to mention that, you know, you don't even hardly get reimbursed

for your supplies. So now I do it only for people I love and

want to do it for and I'm rarely paid, so hence shutting down the

business. If you're looking at boundaries, if you're looking at

your life, and I've talked in previous podcasts about setting

up the life of your dreams, like, what do you want that to

look like? Is there one area? One area. I'm not saying throw

your whole life out the window and recreate it from scratch.

You can do that. I'm not very good at that. I like to do one

little thing at a time. You know, I am the 12 minute success

coach. But what's one area where you can begin to explore what a

good, solid boundary could be. How could you put a boundary

into place? What would that boundary look like if you put

that boundary in life or in place in your life, the next

step is, what would your life look like if you no longer had

to do that. I baked cookies and cupcakes for my niece the other

day, and it was really fun, because she asked for him, and I

wanted to do it for but I found out later, it was for Make A

Wish Foundation, and she had volunteered to bring cupcakes

and cookies to the event where they were going to announce what

the young man's wish was going to be granted, what it was and

what it all entailed. And then I felt even better that I said yes

about it. It wasn't just for me. It was like for something even

bigger, which makes it more fun and more enjoyable. And boy,

when I handed her those cupcakes and cookies, I was like, Oh, I'm

super glad that I did that. I would have also felt great

saying no, if my week had been such that I didn't have time for

it and I couldn't really make it happen. So how are you going to

feel? What is your life going to look like right now? My life

looks great that I'm not baking all the time. I still love to

bake. I bake at least once a week. It still happens, but I

don't have that pressure. It's back to a joy thing. This is one

of those areas of hiring a coach, and they tell you what

can be and could be, and their vision for you, and it's not

really your vision for yourself. I was not very good at setting

those boundaries and saying no to those coaches to those areas.

So my hope for you in the next few days is that you explore one

possible area that might need a boundary, and then visualize

what that boundary could be. And then the final step would be,

what would your life look like if you set that boundary, it

becomes all about intention. What is your intention? What do

you want it to look like? How do you want your life to be? Are

you living on intention? Do you have a purpose and intention? I

talked to indigo sky recently. Her episode will be coming out

shortly, and we talked about living on living in on

intention, intentionally with intention, with purpose. And if

you set your intention for what you want, how you want it to be,

then you have a lot better chance of it coming to fruition.

And I told her that I always felt like I didn't really live

on intention. I went to college, and my main reason was I didn't

want a full time job. Little did I know, going to school, working

20 to 30 hours a week, making good grades, dating, partying

like a rock star from time to time, in some ways, was harder

than a full time permanent job, but I was committed and I was

going to do it, and I didn't really have a plan for after

college, but I did have an intention that I was going to

get a job, I was going to be hired, I was going to do well,

and I was going To be well paid, and it all came to fruition

because I set my intention. I got the skills in place. How can

you live more intentionally? What boundaries do you need to

set in place? What fence do you need to build

so that everybody. Happier. Most importantly, you you're happier.

I'm going to cut this one short, because I think I've covered all

the bases. I'm Jennifer Takagi with destin for success. I look

forward to connecting with you soon, and be sure to grab your

12 minute gift at 12 minute gift.com. You.