The Impact of Dysfunction: How Your Childhood Home Shapes Your Life

Hello, hello, my special friends. Welcome to Episode Four. Super excited to have you here. So today we're going to go over a question that's been coming across my desk or through my email several times this week. And I just want to touch on it briefly just to make sure we're all on the same page. So someone called me up the other day. And they said to me, Tammy, I know your program. Sounds great. And yes, I have some underlying issues. And I know life isn't perfect and everything else. But can I really blame it on a dysfunctional household? I mean, life is complex things happen, things just do. So why do I feel like I'm any different than anybody else? And that I need to go seek help? Well, you know, we had discussed earlier that what she grew up in was complete and utter dysfunction. And she didn't think it was, you know, in nine to 1898. Teddy Roosevelt said it best when I think when he said, Comparison is the thief of joy. And so what she was basically doing is she was comparing her pains, her experiences, everything that she went through to someone else. And she was discounting and displaying it, and just basically putting it at the bottom of the barrel and saying, I'm not worthy to get help, because I was just experiencing life as life should be. So we're going to talk first about what exactly is dysfunction? What does it mean? And how do you know if your home was dysfunctional to the point that it changed your life, or there was just dysfunctional occurrences or experiences, because why we're here why we're on this podcast is we're here to help the people that suffered severe dysfunction, an over and over again, I mean, if your mom comes home one time when you're 10 years old, and she had a little too much to drink, and she snaps at you, and goes to bed and you're confused, a little shocked a little, you know, beside yourself, not sure what to do about it. But the next morning, she wakes up, and she hugs you and she says, Honey, I'm so sorry about the way I acted, we went to a party, I had a little bit too much to drink, she gives you a big old hug. And she says it's never going to happen again, that might not cause you to think about it being dysfunctional, it was a one time occurrence, it was just something that happened. And that's where we get into the complexities of life. However, if every single night of your entire life, your parents are coming home, drinking too much being physically, emotionally sexually abusive. Now, that is dysfunction, because literally, it's going to change you and it's going to change how you view the world.

So let's talk a little bit about the word dysfunction. To begin with, this is a negative thing, it means bad or wrong or ill. And function simply means to operate. So if something is dysfunctional, it is operating poorly. That is the best way to say. So yes, you can have dysfunction and many, many areas of your life, what I experienced, and what I want to focus on, is growing up in a household that had such a level of dysfunction that it literally changed who you were. So there's things that happen in a dysfunctional household, that kind of are good triggers and good, you know, good indications, let's say, if you grew up in a dysfunctional household, first one is your basic needs aren't met, you're not getting food, you're not getting clothing, you're not getting shelter. I remember when I used to go to my mom when I was living with my mom when I was about 16. And I mean, there was all kinds of dysfunction. But the one thing that stood out to me was that she was a child psychiatrist, and yet she didn't buy food for the house, I didn't have a car, I didn't have a way to get around. I hadn't gotten my license yet. So she was not even providing me food. So I used to go at my lunch break. And I used to run to the grocery store. I know this is crazy. I was 16 years old. I was in Massachusetts, it was about a mile and a half to the grocery store. So I would literally run that mile and a half to the grocery store. And I would eat everything I could out of the packages, I would eat Oreos, and I would go to the fruit section and I would stuff apples in my pockets. And I would grab handfuls of grapes. And then I would just literally go around the store and eat as much as I could for exactly 16 minutes, because then I had to run back and I had it timed almost perfectly so that I could get back to school and have having eaten and get back on time so that nobody no red flags were raised. I wasn't late for class or anything. So that is an example of your basic needs not getting met. So if that resonates with you right there, right alone, you can say yes, I had a dysfunctional household. The other thing is the physical, emotional, sexual abuse, anything if you're constantly being berated, or, or told you are stupid, or you know slapped around if you do something bad or wrong, and not taught healthy ways of correcting your actions or healthy ways of experiencing things or our or even the fact to embrace your mistakes and the fact that you learn from them, but that you shouldn't be punished for them. That is dysfunction. If you feel isolated if your parents are completely and totally emotional, emotionally, not there. That could be that could be dysfunction. I mean, all these things change you, they change how you feel, they change how you react, they change what's going on in your head and your brain and your heart. I had a good example. Another good example is one of my clients. Her spouse passed away when her daughter was I think, 11. And the daughter came to me. And she said to me, you know, I just feel like, it wasn't my problem. It was my mom's problem. I mean, yes, I, I, I lost my dad. But I feel like I dealt with that, I think, feel like I got over that. And I was okay. And I moved on. So why am I having these problems? Now, we'll come to find out, her mom went into three years of complete and total depression and debilitating depression, where she didn't take her daughter to school, she didn't, you know, show up at function, she didn't buy her clothes, she didn't love her or support her, she literally wrapped herself in a cocoon, and isolated herself from her daughter. So her daughter was left to deal with all of this on her own for three years until their mothers finally started to come back around and start to function like a normal person.

So yes, my clients, she did have three years of complete and utter dysfunction. And that was, that's going to take some time, and we work through a lot of it. But that's a dysfunctional upbringing. The other thing that is really, really big, and let me let me tell me, if this resonates with you at all, is high levels of criticism or the need, your parents need to make you feel like you need to be perfect. If you never feel when you're a child, that anything is good enough, that is dysfunction, because what that does is that beats down on your self esteem, it beats down on your self esteem, like you would never never believe. So a perfect again, I have so many 1000s of examples. But the one I remember the most is I came home from school and I was going through a tough time. I mean, my parents were both abusive, and both alcoholics. And I decided that maybe if I could just work hard and buckle down and stick my head and you know, ignore all the bad stuff going around me. And good, get good grades, that everything would be better. Everything would be, you know, a little calmer, my parents would like me more, they wouldn't yell at me, they would think I was worthy, you know, all those good things. So I worked my ass off that year, I did everything I could to get straight A's, everything I could. And I finally did. And I came home with that report card, and I gave it to my mom. And I was like, Mom, look, I got straight A's. And she was like, I don't give a shit. Go, Go show your dad. So my dad who I absolutely adored, who was not abusive to me.

You know, physically or he didn't yell at me. He didn't do any of that stuff. I took it to him. And I thought, you know, I adore this man, if anybody could make me feel good about myself, it's my dad. And literally, he looked at the report card. And he said, It's about time you do something with that brain. I knew you had it in your head. Let's see how long it's going to last. So right there, I went from a 10 to a zero in one second, one second. So my need for perfectionism was huge. And even then I realized, even if I am perfect, it's still not enough. So yes, if you've gone through that, if you've gone through criticism, all of your life, being told you weren't good enough, or you didn't feel like you were worthy enough or couldn't do things, right. That that is dysfunction at its best. The other thing is one of the things that a lot of people come to me for is that they lived in such a controlling household, they weren't allowed to do anything sometimes, you know, sometimes their parents had their own issues going on. So their own fears and phobias. And they projected that out to their children. So you know, the rules restrict, they weren't allowed to stay up after eight o'clock, they weren't allowed to have a phone. They weren't allowed to do this or that. Or sometimes the belief systems were so strong. So you know, you had to go to church every day of the week. And you had to pray and you had to go to confession or you had to, you know, beg for forgiveness for every little thing you do for the things you look at for the things you talk about for the thing, your even your own thoughts, which you would think that a controlling parent would know. But somehow ironically, they they think they know those things. So there's these belief systems and these rigid rules that you're expected to cohere to. And that's dysfunction because you're not allowed to make your own decisions. You're not allowed to become your own person. You're not allowed to voice who you are and what you are. And eventually what that does, is it makes you lose Who You Are you all of a sudden don't even know who you are. When I moved out of my house and I actually moved out at about 17 And I went and I rented this apartment from this gentleman I lived on the third floor I was in high school still I think I was paying $80 A week rent when I was in high school, which is kind of funny to me. Seems cheap. now but back then and it was super expensive. But I went and all of a sudden it was like, Wow, I'm out of my house. And I don't have to go by all that, you know, I don't have all these restrictions. But I don't know who I don't know what I want to do. I don't know what I like, I don't know how I feel, because I've never been allowed to feel I really don't even know who I am.

So that's another big part of what we do when we work together is reestablishing a positive sense of identity. Reestablishing getting to know who you are getting to love who you are, again, because yes, that's dysfunction. And then one of the biggest Well, there's the family secrets, which there might be a small family secret, or a big family secret. If your parents, you know, there's a lot of shame. And there's a lot of value wrapped up in in money and job and status and stuff. So let's say that your parents have to declare bankruptcy when you're in high school, and you have to go to the food bank, let's say or you have to be on free lunches. All of that is, you know, it's those, it's those shame issues that you deal with over and over again. So depending on how people reach out and make you feel about them, or depending on, you know, what, how that's dealt with that in itself is dysfunction? Because yes, there's no shame in declaring bankruptcy. But there is shame in the fact that your parents are telling you, don't you ever tell anybody? That's our secret? Don't you ever mention this to anybody, you know, and carrying on this facade, and this, this outward appearance of being the perfect family with, you know, tons of money and everything else, where you're at home, and you're scraping together nickels to try to feed your family. And kids feel that they sense that and there's confusion, there's confusion. And there's, I mean, just, there's all kinds of feelings and thoughts associated with that. So that is another form of dysfunction. And the last one, and I can't kind of saved it for last, because it is so near and dear to my heart, is that when you are dealing with addiction and mental health disorders in the family, that without a doubt, 100% is going to cause you to grow up in a dysfunctional household. Because addiction in itself is is dysfunction. It's it's not the people that you're living with are not the people, you know, they're not the people they want to be and there's no there's very little control in the household. There's chaos, there's abuse, there's neglect. There's, I mean, I could go on and on and on and on, but I won't. But addiction and mental health disorders in general, I can almost I would, I would stake it my life on it when I say that 100% of the people that deal with addiction and mental health disorders are going to have dysfunction of some sort in their house. So yes, if any of this resonates with you, this is the place to be this is where we're going to go start talking about and unraveling some of this stuff stuff. But don't ever question whether or not you should be here. If you don't feel in your heart that things are right, or you just even have a couple experiences that really hit home with you. And you say, Wow, that really messed me up. You deserve to be here, you absolutely 100% deserve to be here. dysfunction manifests itself in so many different ways I can't even begin to talk about them. There's anxiety and low self esteem and personality disorders. And people have intimate intimacy relationship problems. I mean, just intimate intimacy in general. Sometimes if there's any kind of sexual dysfunction, or, you know, sexual abuse or physical abuse, you know, connections and relationships are very hard to establish. People that grew up with dysfunction have a lot of phobias and fears. They have codependency issues and trust issues. I'm just I mean, the list literally goes on and on and on.

I remember when I was 18, I went to I gone to college, I went kind of early, it was right before my 18th birthday. And I was down in North Carolina and I went to the doctor because I was spitting up blood. Right? And the doctor never said, You know what, what was going on in your house? Like what's, what is that? What's going on? Like what could cause these physical symptoms of throwing up blood? Come to find out I had three bleeding ulcers, and obviously stress really, you know, induced, obviously, from having grown up in complete and total chaos. But they didn't look at that. They didn't ask me. You know, what was your house like? They gave me Tums. And you know, when I said I was I did slip and tell them I thought I was depressed. And so they gave me Thompson, some antidepressant. I don't even I think it was I don't remember back then. And that was the answer. It was take some Tom's take some pro something that made the bleeding stop and take an antidepressant, but never never really explained to me that Hey, you know, this is 18 years of dysfunction that has caused these physical symptoms, you might be experiencing eating disorders, you might be experiencing unhealthy relationships with alcohol and drugs. I mean, addiction and mental health disorders, they, they stem from all of this, you might have a lot of tension in your muscles, I mean back pain and, and digestive digestive issues, and there's so many different physical and emotional things that come out of living in a dysfunctional house. I mean, there's no avoiding it, there really just isn't. So we want to deal with them one at a time, we want to learn tips and tricks and, and strategies to kind of overcome it. And we also want to feel that there's a community here, and a community that understands what you're going through. It took me many, many years to truly believe that people understood what I was going through. Yes, I had bleeding ulcers, and nobody said, Well, she has bleeding ulcers, because she lived with two alcoholic parents, you know, nobody said I have eating disorders because my mother called me fat and ugly my entire life. And I was 91 pounds when I graduated high school was 91 pounds. But there wasn't a day in my life where my mother didn't if I picked up a cookie was Why are you eating that fatty, MC fatty, those are just all different things. So you know, you might have one symptom, you might have seven symptoms, it doesn't matter. What matters is that you get rid of the symptoms, and you you get back to being your best version of yourself. And all of these things can be taken care of. All of these things can be taught through reframing and grounding and meditation, and there's just I don't even want to go into it. We're gonna go into that week after week after week. But there's situations and strategies and things to do for absolutely everything. Absolutely.

So I believe next week, we're going to talk about some coping strategies and what you do now to cope, and what you've done in the past, what serves you now what served you then what no longer serves you and how we can kind of deal with some of that stuff. So life is is complex, there is absolutely no doubt that life is complex. It's crazy. It's, it's just complex, that's the best way to put it. But you don't want to give that and so much space that you don't give yourself enough space to understand that if you're having all these issues, or you've been through all this stuff, that you are worthy of being held as a child of a dysfunctional family, because that is absolutely not the truth. So if you have any of this, if any of this hits home, I invite you to hit subscribe. Join us back next week and we're going to talk about some coping strategies and can't wait to see you have a great one and have a blessed week.